Friday, November 2, 2007 - Update and Pictures

Olivia is an absolute beauty! She looked wonderful today. Ryan and I have both been able to calm her when she’s crying which makes us feel good. It’s amazing to actually feel like a mom and dad. Not too much new to report today. Her EEG did show some abnormal brain function and focal seizures. From what we’ve always heard, seizures are very, very normal in premature babies. Most babies will get to a point where they will outgrow them. We think she just hasn’t gotten to that point yet, so they will have to continue her on the Phenobarbital. We have not been able to talk with the doctor about it yet.

This weekend she should reach another weight milestone. . .1500 grams. At that point, I get to start dressing her and she will work on being able to maintain her own body temperature. I’m so excited for that. Don’t worry, we’ll take lots of pictures. Speaking of pictures, we broke the 1000 mark tonight. I don’t know many people who have that many baby pictures. We were so grateful that we took so many pictures of Logan. It means so much to have them. Olivia’s PEEP remains at 5 and she’s still doing pretty darn good on CPAP. Seeing her tonight and looking into her beautiful eyes warmed my heart like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Don’t forget about her when you say your prayers tonight and tomorrow and the next day and the next. . .

Thursday, November 1, 2007 - Update

Olivia is doing fantastic, but do you expect anything less from my little over-achiever? She now weighs 3 lbs 2 oz. They lowered her PEEP down to 5 today and I believe they will lower it again if her blood gas comes back good tomorrow. She is only having her blood gases checked every other day now, which I’m so thankful for. Every time they do it, they have to take blood from her heel. Can you imagine waking up to that every morning? Poor girl has had to endure so much. She was seen by the physical therapists (PTs) today and they still believe that she seems to be developing appropriately. I’m meeting with them on Monday to discuss it with them further and learn some exercises that I can be doing with her. I don’t believe I mentioned this before, but with the CPAP she also has an OG tube that goes down her throat to help get rid of excess gas in her tummy. It didn’t take her long to yank that out and have to have it put back in. Boy, she is one feisty little girl! And when she gets mad she lets everyone know. She had an EEG tonight before we got there and I guess she was not happy with that at all! We should find out the results of that tomorrow. Olivia wasn’t completely calmed down when we got there. Ryan cuddled her with his hands and she calmed right down. She is going to be such the daddy’s girl! It was so cute because Ryan said, “I’m covering her with a warm blanket of love.” I don’t know that we could feel any more love for her and yet I’ll love her more tomorrow than I do today.

I did get her out to do skin to skin, but I had to put her back in her isolette after about 30 minutes. I don’t really know why because she was very calm and snuggly up next to me and yet her saturations kept dropping. We’ve heard, however, that sometimes they can get too relaxed and forget to breathe. That just breaks your heart because if she enjoys it so much it’s hard to discontinue it. I think everyone is amazed with how well she is doing. I know things can change in an instant, but I’m so very grateful that she is doing so well. She warms my heart more than you can even imagine. I constantly dream of the day that I get to bring her home.

Thursday, November 1, 2007 - The Number 22

Many years ago, I was in the Perfect Peace Christian bookstore. As I was checking out, my total came to $22.22. I went to write out my check and realized that the date was May 22, 2000. The clerk then asked that my phone number be written on the check. At that time, the last four digits were 2238. The clerk quickly caught on and we had a good laugh. I remember that he looked at me jokingly and asked, “And what age do you happen to be?” I was 22 years old (great, I just gave my age away.) I can’t describe it, but it was a really weird experience and over the years the number 22 has come up multiple times whether it was my table number at a restaurant or my total at other stores.

I started showing signs of preterm labor at 22 weeks. I remember being determined not to go into labor at 22 weeks. This couldn’t be what the significance of the number 22 meant! Because of this determination, I was pretty cautious during that week when I was on bed rest. This may have given Logan and Olivia that extra, crucial week. I am not a superstitious person, but I had never been more relieved to make it to 23 weeks. Of course, I wish I would have made it a lot further.

At the time I didn’t notice that when I arrived at the hospital on August 27th, I was taken to room 22. This is where I gave birth to Olivia. . .my perfect peace.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - Pictures

Daddy, Mommy, and Olivia. Mommy made this sign for Olivia's first Halloween!
Our nieces, Julia and Rebekah, came over to show us their Halloween costumes. What beautiful girls inside and out!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - Evening Update

I have so much good news to share tonight. Olivia has had no apneas or bradycardias for 24 hours. The physical therapist came to evaluate Olivia today. They are going to be spending about a week with her before they give us their evaluation. So far as we know, they don’t see any obvious signs of cerebral palsy and they seem to think that she is where she should be for her age. They went up on Olivia’s feeding today to 29cc, so she is taking over an ounce every feeding and tolerating it very well.

When we arrived at the hospital tonight, Olivia was so mad. She is getting a little more force and a little more sound behind her cries. Nothing seemed to calm her down until daddy laid his hands on her. Later, she was upset again and I laid my hands on her. We also gave her a pacifier. At first, she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, but then she started going to town sucking on it. It really seemed to soothe her and she finally went to sleep. It is good to know that she has a fairly strong sucking reflex, which some premature babies struggle with. We’ve learned to take each day as it comes. . .to rejoice in the good days and realize there may also be some days that aren’t as good. What a Happy Halloween it was for us today! As I mentioned previously, Ryan loves Halloween. He has spent years creating pneumatic props that have motion sensors and everything. This year he mentioned it was like Christmas without a Christmas tree, but there was nowhere he would rather have been than with his daughter. She brings so much joy to our life and we are so proud of her. Please pray for her continued success on CPAP and that she has many more wonderful days like today.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - Update and Brag!

Happy Halloween! I just had to write and brag about my little girl. As of noon today, she had not had any apneas or bradycardias since 8:00 pm last night. Her blood gas this morning was better than it’s been in weeks (which has to do with how well the body is being oxygenated.) She also passed the 3 lb mark yesterday and now weighs 3 lbs 1 oz. Olivia was switched to a new doctor today. Her previous doctor has been out of town with his father who is ill. Her new doctor is Dr. Dorn and he seems very pleased with her progress. This week she will be having her first EEG to check for seizure activity. Dr. Dorn also mentioned that they will talk to us about ways to stimulate her such as starting to read to her, etc. We said, “Um. . .we’ve been doing that every day since before she was born.” Olivia will also be seen by a physical therapist this week who will be doing some stretches with her and will evaluate her likelihood of developing cerebral palsy.

I’m just so proud of her. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met and I’m so proud that she’s my daughter!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 - Pictures!

Look Mama! No tube!

C Pappa, I'm on CPAP!

She’s wearing the biliband due to her eye exam/dilation today.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 - Update

Well. . .what a day! I’ll start with the bad news. Olivia had another eye exam today and they found that she does have stage 1 ROP in zone 2. I have attached a link explaining that in greater detail. It could resolve on its own or progress to one of the other stages. I just keep praying that God takes care of her eyes and protects her precious eyesight.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retinopathy_of_prematurity

Now for the good news. . .she was put on CPAP today around noon. Ryan called me after talking to the doctor and he was taking off work in the afternoon to be with her on her first day on CPAP. I wanted to go with him so I rushed around to get ready and we were going to meet for lunch before heading up there. As I got into my car, I checked to make sure I had everything I needed. Bag? Check. Door locked? Check. Bottles to pump with at the hospital? Check. Buttoned down shirt to change into if I held her? Check. Camera? Check. Cell phone? Check. Keys. . .keys. . . .keys??? Yeah, so I locked myself out of the house. I called Ryan to tell him to go ahead without me and I would figure out a way to get up there. Well, he decides (although quite grumpily) to drive the 30 minutes across town to come get me. Anyway, we finally got up there and she was doing fabulous on CPAP. She loves turning her head from side to side without the restrictions of the vent tube. We left for a little while to meet Ryan’s co-workers at BG Bolton’s and after returning, we learned she had an apnea/bradycardia (where she forgets to breathe and drops her heart rate) While on the ventilator, it wasn’t that big of a deal because it was doing some of the breathing for her. Now, they have to get in and stimulate her to get her to start breathing again. It is very frightening and she had two more while we were there. We do understand that many babies must go back on the ventilator a couple of times after starting on CPAP. This is pretty common. It is also pretty common for babies to have more frequent periods of apnea/bradycardias when on CPAP. We are also expecting her to reach the 3 lb mark tonight as she is 2 lbs 15.5 oz.

Tomorrow, as you know, is Halloween and one of Ryan’s favorite times of year. He actually proposed to me six years ago on Halloween by dressing up as a trick-or-treater down on his knees. I gave him some candy. He gave me a ring. As all of you probably suspected, we will not be putting out our Halloween display this year. We will actually not even be home as we will be spending the evening with Olivia. It is her first Halloween, after all. She is going as a “big girl.” Last year we had over 100 trick-or-treaters visit our house, so I’m sure there will be some disappointed children. Don’t worry. . .we’ll be back next year.

Monday, October 29, 2007 - Pictures

Monday, October 29, 2007 - Update

Today I spent the afternoon with my sister-in-law, Shelley and my niece, Isabelle. Isabelle was supposed to be 4 months older than her cousins, but because Logan and Olivia came so early they are only 1 week apart. I feel like I haven’t gotten a chance to get to know Isabelle because of everything that has happened over the past two months. At the same time I felt guilty about holding a baby who wasn’t Olivia. I know. . .that’s really strange. I then met some friends for dinner. It was nice and they brought me all kinds of things. They made me a mother’s bracelet and I got a onesie that says ‘little angel,’ a stuffed giraffe and a home cooked dinner complete with brownies! It was nice spending time with everyone today.

Okay, on to my baby girl. I got to hold her last night and when I arrived at the hospital tonight, Olivia was cuddled up with dad. She also gained another 40 grams last night and now weighs 1300 grams or 2 lbs 14 oz!! She did not get extubated today, but her vent settings were turned down once more to 16/5 with a rate of 13. I think tomorrow is the big day! If she does well through the night and has a good blood gas in the morning. . .CPAP here we come! I believe she also has another eye exam tomorrow, so please pray for her throughout the day.

Sunday, October 28, 2007 - Update

Olivia is out of isolation today which means her cultures have come back negative and we’re probably going to get to hold her tonight! I’m assuming that she will remain on the medication for her eyes. She gained another 20 grams last night, so she is now up to 2 lbs 12.5 oz! They have also increased her feedings to 27cc. She is very close to taking a full ounce. It’s amazing how much we’ve missed not being able to hold her these past two days. I’m sure she’ll miss the peacefulness of the isolation room, but hopefully will enjoy being held again. When we were back in the isolation room yesterday, Ryan and I realized that this is how it will be at home. . .just the three of us as a family. . .together. . .in peace and quiet. I can’t even begin to describe my anticipation for that day.

I have been amazed that so many people have staked their claim of Olivia. “She’s my friend’s cousin, my cousin, my neighbor, etc.” There are people that have never met us, but continue to pray for Olivia’s progress. So many of these people are children themselves and I only hope that Olivia grows up with that much concern about the plight of other people. I have worked since I was 16 years old (well, earlier than that if you consider my babysitting career) and now I look ahead to the toughest job of all. It’s a job that I didn’t think I would ever get to have and that is to raise my precious Olivia. It will be hard work, but nothing is as hard as never getting the chance. I know so many people still struggling to have a family and I ask that you always keep them in your prayers. I remember month after month mourning the loss of a dream and the child I never got to have. I’m so grateful for my beautiful Olivia and please continuing praying for the day that we get to bring her home!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007 - Happy Birthday Little One

We only spent about 30 minutes up at the hospital with Olivia today. When we arrived, she was sleeping so peacefully and she was saturating very nicely at 21% (room air.) This was after they turned her vent settings down to 17/5 with a rate of 13. It seems that she loves it in isolation. She needs the rest and we didn’t want to bother her. Of course, we wanted to wake her up and talk to her and see her, but that’s not what is best for her. We did whisper a little happy birthday song to her before we left. It breaks my heart because I don’t want her to think that we didn’t come to see her. It’s been so hard not getting to hold her. Ryan and I both miss it so much. She even gained another 40 grams last night which puts her very close to 2 lbs 12 oz. Like we’ve said before, we believe the isolation is just a precaution. All of her cultures have come back negative thus far and we’re hoping that she is moved out by Monday. She’ll be rested and ready for CPAP!! Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

You know, people take about having a weight on your shoulders. I’ve been physically feeling this weight and have a huge knot in my shoulders that I’m having a hard time getting rid of. Last night, it caused me to have the worst headache. I received a daily devotional yesterday from Mary and Ed and it illustrated my point so nicely. I will post a portion of that:

If I recall correctly, Ian Thomas illustrates this point by telling the story of a man walking down a dusty rural road on a hot, humid day. The man is loaded down with a heavy backpack and carries a duffle bag in each hand. A pick-up truck comes along, and the driver offers the walking man a ride, telling him to hop in the back. The driver heads down the road, but when he looks in the rear-view mirror he sees that his new passenger is standing in the bed of the truck – still holding both duffle bags, still wearing the over-packed backpack on his back. The thing is: We stand in the truck of faith, still carrying our burdens, thinking they are independent of the ride we’re taking. Perhaps we think God can carry us, but not our burdens, that we have to keep bearing them ourselves.

I am guilty sometimes of accepting the ride, but standing in the bed of the truck while still holding on to my burdens. Lately my burdens have been too much for me and I’ve been praying for the ability to give them completely to God. One of my favorite songs (from my records I listened to so long ago) is:

I cast all my cares upon you
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.
And anytime I don’t know what to do.
I will cast all my cares upon you.

Friday, October 26, 2007 - Update

I wish I had more good news to report today. When I went to visit Olivia today, I found that she wasn’t there. She had been moved to the isolation room. They found that Olivia had a blister on her shoulder and they don’t know what caused it. It could have been caused by something that rubbed up against her. They have started her on antibiotics in case the culture from it comes back showing a virus, etc. For the time being, she must be in isolation. This means that we have to wear the full gown and gloves when we go in to see her and we cannot do skin to skin. We can’t even bring in her book to read to her. The culture from her eye did show some growth today, so she did have a slight infection. She is already on a topical antibiotic and the antibiotics that she is now on should take care of it. On top of all this, she had to have her 2 month vaccinations today. Four shots in her little thighs. . .she has just had a rough day. Then, she didn’t even get to be held mom and dad. All we could do is really look at her tonight, but she had her eyes open and she kept smiling at us. She is just so precious. Her stomach is also looking a tad bit distended, so they are keeping an eye on that. I realize that we can’t expect every day to be great while in the NICU, but after all we’ve been through (with infertility, Logan) I don’t know how much I can take. Please just pray for Olivia. We hope all of this is simply a precaution and that she’ll get moved out of isolation by Monday so that we can hold her again.

I went out to Logan’s grave today and brought him a little pumpkin and a scarecrow. It looks really nice for him. I’ve felt awful because I haven’t been able to get out there much. We just haven’t had time because we’re at the hospital with Olivia. I sometimes don’t feel that I’ve had the chance to mourn for him because we have Olivia to think about. In a sense that’s probably a good thing because she keeps our mind on the things to come instead of dwelling on the past. Why is it that when you have a little girl, you become obsessed with the color pink? I see anything pink and I think, “Oh, I have to get that for Olivia!”

Please pray that we get through this little bump in the road and that the isolation room just provides Olivia with a little peace and quiet. Don’t forget that she’ll be 2 months old tomorrow!!!

"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

Thursday, October 25, 2007 - Update

I’m the proud mother of a 2 lb 10oz little girl! She gained over 40 grams last night and we were so excited. Her eye cultures have come back negative for any type of infection. Not a whole lot more to report on her. . .she’s just getting stronger (she’s starting to develop quite a bit of muscle tone) and bigger. We couldn’t be happier about that. Please always think of my Olivia and pray for her every day.

I’ve noticed that some days I do a lot better than others. Some days I feel so angry and bitter and I hope that doesn’t reflect too much in my writing because that’s not the kind of person that I am. It’s hard not to feel those emotions, however, when I feel like I’ve had to fight so very hard for my children. It’s hard not to constantly ask, “Why me?” When I feel like that, I’m just reminded of all the things that I have to be thankful for. I’m then reminded that God is a merciful God. I was by myself at home in the morning on the day that Logan and Olivia were born. What would have happened if I’d given birth to them alone at home? God made sure I was at the hospital with my family so that Logan and Olivia could get the proper medical treatment immediately. For reasons I will never understand, God had to take my Logan from me. But, he also gave me my beautiful daughter. God gave me a husband who loves me no matter what and who will always love his children unconditionally regardless of any obstacle that they face. God gave Ryan and I parents who showed us what it means to be wonderful parents. I have the most amazing family and friends and neighbors. If anyone needs a good chiropractor, I can’t say enough wonderful things about Dopps Chiropractic (Dr. Ian and Dr. Kamra Dopps) in Maize, KS. They have gone above and beyond in supporting us throughout this whole ordeal. Stress does not do nice things to your body. Neither does eating dinner at 11:00 pm, however, I think we’ll be eating by 9:30 pm tonight. Anyway, I just hope that everybody tries to look for the good in their life. It’s there even when it seems there is only heartache. It’s a peace that only exists when you accept Jesus as your personal savior. It’s a peace that I hope all of you have.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - Pictures

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - Update

We had a good visit with Olivia tonight. Daddy got to hold her. She was a little cold in her isolette and sometimes they don’t let you do skin to skin if their body temp isn’t warm enough. But, we always warm her up very well and daddy brought it up one whole degree! She was very relaxed and snuggly tonight. We’ve learned how to tell when she is assisting the ventilator and when she’s just letting it do the work for her. Ryan was able to take deeper, more frequent breaths to encourage her to take more breaths of her own. It was pretty amazing!

She did have to have another transfusion today. I guess the last transfusion didn’t quite bring her numbers up to where they wanted them to be. Hopefully, she won’t have many more. She also has had some discharge from her eyes that they cultured to make sure she doesn’t have an infection. It is probably just a clogged tear duct. We’re hoping that it’s nothing big. Poor thing tries to open her eyes and she can’t because her eyelids are stuck together. Olivia has continued to gain weight the last two nights, so we hope that continues. There is still the possibility that she’ll be home by Christmas. I found out tonight that she has a Christmas dress that matches her older cousins. Olivia continues to amaze and inspire us. To be born 17 weeks early and doing so well. . .it’s just a miracle. She’s our little miracle and we thank God for her every day.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - A Poem For Logan

I wrote a poem for Logan last night. I’ve been writing poetry since junior high. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t write it very often. I also don’t share it very much. But, I’ve shared everything else on here, so why not? Anyway, here is my poem. . . .dedicated to my wonderful son, Logan William.


Playing in Heaven Instead
By Jodi Glunt

You were the perfect little boy
Of whom we always dreamed.
Did you know we had your name picked out?
All along or so it seemed.

You even had your daddy’s hands
So miniature in size.
In life we never got to hold you
Or even see your opened eyes.

We had so many plans for you.
Did you know you are a twin?
I wanted you to grow up together.
What a pair you would have been!

I wanted to take you to the park
And push you on the swing.
I wanted to teach you how to walk,
And read and write and sing.

I wanted to show you a fire truck
And let you ride upon a horse.
I wanted to take you to the zoo
To see the giraffes, of course.

I wanted you to watch cartoons
And play video games with dad.
And you and I would take a nap
Oh, the times we would have had.

But, your mommy’s plans were not to be.
“I have other plans,” God said.
“Instead of playing in life’s playground
You’ll be playing in heaven instead.”

And someday when I see you again
I’ll walk down a road paved in gold.
I’ll run to be right by your side
And in my arms I’ll finally hold!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - Mommy and Olivia

Mommy holding Olivia.
Olivia is wrapped up in her pretty giraffe blanket.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - Update

Well, kind of a mixed bag today. I’ll start with the good news. Olivia had her eye exam and they don’t see any signs of ROP! Her eyes were just a bit hazy, which I hear is pretty common for babies her age. Now, I don’t know the chances of her still developing ROP. I hear that her chances are low since she showed no signs this time. . .maybe some other preemie moms can help me out with that? So, before I get too excited I would like to learn some additional information about it. They did have to turn her vent settings up to 18/5 with a rate of 16 and that was a little surprising because she had been doing so well. Olivia also gained a little bit of weight last night and she now weighs about 2 lbs 7.5 oz. We hope that weight gain continues as she hasn’t been able to get over 2 lbs 9 oz. Overall, she is doing well. . .I think Ryan and I just weren’t in the best of moods today. I wish that the NICU parents didn’t take the same elevators as the parents taking their babies home. It’s hard sometimes to go up to see Olivia and watch people with balloons and flowers and their babies leaving to go home. I’m not saying that they don’t deserve to take them home. . everybody does. But, I’ll never get to take Logan home and it will still be a long time before I get to come home with my precious Olivia. I’m also a little apprehensive today because one of the visitors in the NICU had a bad cough. I’m just concerned about Olivia and all of the other babies in the NICU. That’s the last thing any baby needs when they are dealing with so many other problems.

Anyway, Ryan and I made an appointment at our doctor’s office today. We both got our flu shots. Neither one of us has ever had a flu shot before, but because of Olivia we decided that it would be a good idea. We’re just trying to remain healthy so that we can be there for our little girl.

I am so thankful that Olivia’s eye exam went well. Like I mentioned before, if anybody has any input about ROP, please let us know. Should we be ecstatic about this or just cautiously optimistic? Please continue praying for Olivia. . .she is one tough girl!!

Monday, October 22, 2007 - Update

Ryan was able to speak with one of the doctors this morning. They are starting Olivia on a fortifier to increase her weight gain. Because this can sometimes cause extra gas in the tummy, they are holding off on CPAP (it too can cause gas in the tummy.) Now, this is as long as she doesn’t pull the ventilator tube out herself. She extubated herself last time (when she had the bigger tube put in) and she’s coming close to doing it again. That girl is more tenacious and stubborn than her daddy! Olivia’s eye exam is tomorrow, not today. Her chart had down 10-22-07, but I guess it just meant the week of the 22nd and they usually do the exams on Tuesday. That was an interesting comment about weather changes/barometric pressure. We sure did have a cold front blow in yesterday.

I’m having a rougher day again today. I’m not sure why. I went to the grocery store and everybody there just seemed to be going about their merry way. I wanted to say, “Don’t you know that the world is missing someone very special? Don’t you know that my daughter is in the NICU?” Olivia is 8 weeks today!! I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for 8 weeks. . .and we’re not even halfway on our journey to bring her home. Some may think that Ryan and I are being overly protective as we are very strict about who can see Olivia and when they can, etc. Please understand that this is just our way of protecting her. I need to do this as I feel I was unable to protect them before. I was unable to keep them safe and warm as a mother is supposed to do and they came into this world too early. I can’t help but think. . what if? What if I would have quit work sooner, what if I would have gone on bedrest sooner? One thing I’ve always struggled with is that I’m not assertive enough. I knew that something was wrong and yet I let them send me home from the hospital when I initially went in (one week before their birth.) As Ryan has pointed out before, if they had admitted me into the hospital, I would have been very stressed. I was not as stressed at home on bedrest and maybe that helped us gain that extra week. The drugs that they were going to start me on to prevent labor can also be very hard on the mother. I don’t know. . .I’ll always wonder. I just need to know that I’m doing everything that I possibly can to help my daughter have the best chance in life. That’s why I’m still providing breastmilk, that’s why we read to her, that’s why we sing her songs and why we hold her every night. Please don’t ever go a day without saying a prayer for Olivia. She is a wonderful little girl!!

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Philippians 4:6 NLT