It's a Girl!

For weeks I have been wanting to share the news and Stacie has now given me permission. Stacie and her husband are adopting a baby who is due around Halloween. They found out yesterday that it is a. . . . .precious little girl. Stacie and I have always dreamed of being mothers together. Our long and winding road to motherhood has definitely been the road less traveled, but it has led us to our daughters nonetheless. I truly believe that adoption is another way that God creates families and what a beautiful choice it is. Please pray for the health of the baby and the birthmother and for Jason and Stacie as they prepare for their new arrival. What a blessing this little girl will be!

* Sorry everyone when I was on the backside of the blog this afternoon I accidentially deleted this post Jodi put up on Friday. *

Saturday, May 31, 2008 - Update

Steady bouncin' in Jeeps on the neighborhood streets. . .

Sorry, we sing that song every time she rides in her Jeep stroller (from the Jeep commercials. . .have I lost ya?) Her umbrella stroller is still a little too big for her as it doesn't recline as much as she'd like. But, it's an adorable stroller.

Thank you to my husband for putting up with me today. I've been really crabby and tired and yet he went to go get me La Galette for lunch and let me take a nap. Thanks honey.

Many of you do not know that Ryan gave his notice at work this past week. After putting out his resume, he received many offers and found a job that he feels will fit him well. Changing jobs is always scary, but I understand his reasons and I am behind him 100%. We will be forever thankful, however, for the support that his current employer has provided us throughout the past months. Please pray for us as we make this transition.

Trust Me With Your Isaac

I came across this poem on a fellow preemie site and knew I had to post it. (Be sure to check in on Ryan.)


Trust Me With Your Isaac by Beth Moore

For every Abraham who dares
to kiss the foreign field
where glory for a moment grasped
is for a lifetime tilled…

The voice of God
Speaks not but once
But ‘til the traveler hears
“Abraham! Abraham! Bring your
Isaac here!”

“I hear the tearing of your heart
torn between two loves,
the one your vision can behold
the Other hid above.”

“Do you trust me, Abraham
with your gravest fear?
Will you pry your fingers loose
and bring your Isaac here?”

“Have I not made you promises?
Hold them tight instead!
I am the Lover of your soul—
the Lifter of your head.”

“Believe me, O my Abraham
when blinded by the cost.
Arrange the wooded altar
And count your gains but loss.”

“Let the tears wash clean your blinded eyes
until unveiled you see—
the ram caught in the thicket there
to set your Isaac free.”

“Perhaps I’ll send him down the mount
to walk right by your side.
No longer in your iron grasp
But safer still in mine.”

“Or I may wrap him in the wind
and sweep him from your sight
to better things beyond your reach—
believe with all your might!”

“Look up, beloved Abraham.
Can you count the stars?
Multitudes will stand to reap
From one dear friend of God.”

“Pass the test, my faithful one;
bow to me as Lord.
Trust me with your Isaac—
see,
I am your great Reward.”

Thursday, May 29, 2008 - Update

Umm. . mom? Why am I in here?

This morning, Oliva had her Rainbows evaluation with her teacher and nutritionist. They were very impressed with her and feel that she's developing great even though she can't yet roll over. She's too busy communicating as that is one of her strong points. She's also a little bit timid and rolling over is sort of a bold thing to do when you think about it. We're going to work on a few things with her such as developing her sense of space and spatial awareness. One of the activities to help her was to put her in a small box. I thought her pink crate would be better. She actually enjoyed it as it helped her to sit up very well too. Rainbows also gave me a workbook to use to monitor all aspects of her development. Olivia's teacher knew that would be exactly something that I would like to have (the teacher in me, I guess.) Overall, it was a great visit.

A few months back, I mentioned that Ryan's uncle had a stroke. His recovery has been amazing. He was in town for a follow-up visit, and we went over to Ryan's parents' house to see everybody. While over there, I got to see my nieces and nephews that I don't get to see very often. I absolutely adore all of my nieces and nephews and I enjoyed spending time with them. To be honest, I have been worried that my nephew Aidan wouldn't remember me. He was not quite 2 years old when I had Logan and Olivia and I haven't really been around since. It warmed my heart to have him say my name, give me hugs and tell me all about Cars. Of course, I know all about Cars because it's also my dad's favorite movie. :-) They have all just grown up so much over the past 9 months. . .I feel like I've missed out on a lot. Hopefully, we can catch up this summer.

Oh, and Olivia's new favorite thing is sticking her fingers in her mouth so far that she gags. She does this all of the time. On the way home tonight, she actually made herself puke. . .all over herself in her carseat. We finally get her vomiting under control and then she causes herself to do it. Go figure. . . .

You're cute. . .who are you? Oh, we're related?

Can't you just feel the love?

Ryan got some love too. . .

Olivia and Uncle Kris

Ryan's uncle Donnie and best buddy, Aidan.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 - Update

March of Dimes Team Picture

Me and Marilee

Today, Olivia was able to spend some time getting to know my friend, Marilee. She is a school librarian and I think this is the first summer that she hasn't worked latchkey, so. . .I envision that we'll spend more time together in the coming months. She has been so supportive throughout everything and has patiently watched Olivia from afar. I was glad to finally give her the chance to hold my daughter. Like I've said before. . .I miss my friends and it was so good to spend some time with Marilee today.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 - Update

Okay, Daddy, this isn't exactly what I meant when I said I wanted a pony.

Olivia has recently really found her voice and loves to scream and squeal just for grins and giggles. She decided to do this today in the waiting room at the eye doctors.' It soon turned into wailing and crying as she was not happy to be there today. Her poor doctor was trying to explain things to me and I was bouncing her around trying to soothe her. The good news is she is happier tonight and. . .she doesn't have to wear her patch for the next 2 weeks! At that time, I am actually switching to another pediatric ophthalmologist (there is only one other doctor in town) as her current one is leaving at the end of the summer. Hopefully, I'll like him just as much. His office happens to be a lot closer to us.

This fatigue that I have. . .I need to do something about it. I've always told people, "Someday they are going to find a reason for my constant tiredness" as I've had it for many years. It has just gotten worse lately and I'm sure emotional fatigue has something to do with it as well. It doesn't matter if I wake up at 7 am, 10 am or noon. . .I never feel rested. I'm about ready to start drinking coffee. Luckily, this fatigue hasn't affected my reflexes. On the way home from Olivia's appointment, a truck. . . directly in front of me. . . blew a tire, spun out of control and scared me half to death. I am, however, a cautious driver (especially when Olivia is with me) and I was far enough behind to stop. And, everyone behind me stopped. Not something, however, that I want to relive anytime soon. . .

Happy 9 month birthday to my precious Olivia!! I love you more and more each day!

Dear Mother Nature,

Seriously? Three nights in a row? Do we have to have hail three nights in a row? Do we have to have it twice tonight? You are scaring my daughter and pummeling my flowers. Please stop.

Thanks

P.S I am thankful that I no longer work in the insurance industry. Thinking of you Pam, Charlene and Heather. :-)

Monday, May 26, 2008 - Update

Sailing family get-together

Hey cuz!

We showed up in the same outfits. . .how embarrassing.

Game of chicken anyone?

It's tradition to have a cook-out at my parents' every Memorial Day and this year was no exception. Olivia and Izzy were able to spend some time together and it was good to see everyone. Thanks for a great afternoon.

Remembering Logan William

My very loved little boy

Please take a moment today and remember my sweet, little boy. I miss him so much. Every single day I want him here to grow up with his sister. Everyone always talks about how strong I am. Sometimes I don't know what that means. . .am I strong because I survived the loss of my son? Yes, I survived, but. . . sometimes my heart feels so broken that I don't know if it will continue beating, my lungs burn so bad that I can't catch a breath. . . .I keep putting one foot in front of the other because my husband deserves that and Olivia deserves that and I love them just as I loved Logan. But, I will miss him every day of my life.

I thought I would share the poem that I wrote and posted a few months ago as I remember my son, Logan William.

Playing in Heaven Instead

Sunday, May 25, 2008 - Update

I wasn't really scared. . .

Well, last night Olivia woke up. . .afraid. . . for the first time during a thunderstorm. In the past, she has slept right through them. I don't blame her. With the lightning, thunder, and hail pounding at her window, I would have been afraid to. So, I was up with her for awhile early this morning. This weather that we've been having has not been very fun. Between the humidity, wind, rain, storms. . .I have missed our walks around the neighborhood.

Saturday, May 24, 2008 - Update

Look at what my mom and dad got me!
It's only the most fun EVER!

While Ryan and I were out shopping today, we picked up the Rainforest Jumperoo for Olivia. I went against most physical therapists who do not recommend them for these various reasons.

They believe it's bad for their hip and back development and can predispose them to walk on their toes. I would think this would be especially worrisome for preemies as problems with muscle tone are a big concern. Is it sometimes possible to do too much research and know too much? Anyway, so why did I get it for her, you ask? It just looks like so much fun! I knew that Olivia would love something like this as she loves to stand! I can't help but believe that it's one of those things that are fine in moderation. I'm not going to leave her in it for hours at a time. I don't see why 15-20 minutes a day would be harmful. . .

Friday, May 23, 2008 - Update

Olivia and Stacie

Some days a girl just needs her best friend and luckily that was what I got today. Stacie came over and Olivia and I probably bored her to death, but it was really nice to see her. Lately, I've been getting cabin fever. . .I don't know why it's hitting me now after spending most of the winter in my house. I am actually able to get out a bit now. Tomorrow, Ryan and I are going to go to lunch just the two of us and do some shopping. I'm looking forward to that. I meant to write the update sooner (when the mood struck me) but, our Internet was down most of the afternoon.

You know, Memorial Day weekend always meant fun times, cook-outs, three day weekends. . .it takes on a whole new meaning this year as I remember my son. I'm going to try to go out and visit him every day. Hopefully, Ryan and I will make it out there together on Saturday. Memorial Day will forever mean something else entirely to me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008 - Update

I have no idea how Olivia knew that David Cook would win from the beginning. Kinda weird. Future talent scout, maybe?

Anyway, my soap opera is doing a premature birth story line. Part of me is thankful for that as a way to spread awareness. I can't help but find all of the things that they are doing wrong, however. They haven't disclosed how premature the little boy was, and that makes a huge difference. The doctor said, "I've delivered babies as early as 24 weeks. . " so he's no 23-weeker like Olivia. Despite the inconsistencies with the storyline, I still cried when Kayla was giving birth. It was very difficult to be told to push when you know that you are thrusting your baby into a world that they are not ready for. Thoughts of that will always bring tears to my eyes as will the fact that I'll never be 100% sure of what caused my premature labor. They are pretty sure that it was due to an incompetent cervix, but I've talked to other people who were told that as well. It's after having a cerclage put in and delivering prematurely again. . .that they realize it was in fact caused by something else entirely. On top of that, other people who have had vertical c-sections have been advised not to have any more children. I have a wonderful family, however, and Olivia is everything I could ask for in a daughter. The three of us have this amazingly strong bond. We've been through so much. . .the three of us. We couldn't have gotten through everything without each other.

Oh, and ladies. . .I had a great time at Kobe's last night. It was nice to get out for a girl's night. Thank you.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 - Update

Olivia's first crush. . .

I don't know how many of you watch American Idol, but Ryan and I have watched most of the past 7 seasons. Since the beginning of this season, the three of us have tried to watch it in the evenings. A few months ago (when it was still the top 24) Olivia didn't care anything about it. She didn't even pay attention to the television. . . .except when David Cook was on. Every week, she made a point to watch David Cook and smile at him on t.v. He wasn't even one of my favorites, but Olivia sure sees something in him. Does that mean she's going to like the rocker type? David Cook made it into the top 2 and the finale is tonight. Ryan and I haven't voted all season, but last night I had to cast a vote in favor of David Cook because I know he gets Olivia's vote. I'm, however, kind of rooting for David Archuleta. (But, don't tell Olivia that.)

Prayer Request

Many of you know my sister-in-law, Laura. (She is married to Ryan's brother.) She just found out today that her brother, Steve, has Stage III colon cancer. He meets with his oncologist this Friday for a plan of attack and at least 6 months of chemo. Please say a prayer for him and his family.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but Ryan's aunt Peggy has also been having a tough fight with cancer. Please pray for Peggy and her family as well.

I get a lot of prayer requests and I know that I don't have the chance to post all of them. Sometimes I feel that I don't have all of the information. Please know that I have appreciated all of your continued prayers for me and my family and I would be more than willing to say a prayer for yours.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 - Update

Here I am with Kerry at the zoo!

Look at all of those giraffes!

I enjoyed my trip to the zoo.

I got to see my cousin, Izzy. . .

and my aunt Shelley!

Silly cousins!

Shelley and Izzy

Kerry, me and mommy

**Be sure to check out Kerry's blog for more zoo pictures. The hippo came right up to us and opened his mouth. Izzy loved the hippos and didn't want to leave.

Monday, May 19, 2008 - Update

My week didn't get off to a very good start as it began with an emergency trip to the vet. My rat (Olivia the rat) was bleeding. . .profusely from her "lady parts," as my husband said. Of course, she was happily slurping up her strawberry Ensure as she was bleeding all over the place. Thank goodness we have a "back up" vet because our primary one wasn't in and his partner doesn't know anything about rats or guinea pigs. It is believed that Olivia the rat had a uterine tumor that ruptured. All signs point towards possible cancer somewhere in the reproductive system. Invasive surgery for a 2 year old rat would be very hard on her. I just want to make her as comfortable and happy as I can for as long as she's here with me. I worry about losing one rat before the other. . .they are inseparable. . .more so than any of the guinea pigs. They sleep together, groom each other, play with each other, fight with each other, etc. Our back up vet doesn't know anything about what has happened in our lives over the past year and I didn't mention anything. When she told me that my sweet rat most likely had cancer, I think she was expecting me to break down. I felt like saying. . ."You have no idea what I've had to endure. Some things just don't phase me as much anymore." Don't get me wrong, I'm still heart broken over the fact that my rat probably won't be with me that much longer. . .things are just different.

Sometimes I wonder if there is still any resemblance to the person that I used to be. . .before I gave birth at 23 weeks. . .before I watched my babies fighting for their lives. . .before I lost my son. . .before I waited 105 days to take my daughter home. . .before I lived in constant fear of the repercussions of such an early birth. Truth is, I'm not the same person. I don't know if I'm better or worse. I'm a bit more bitter, solemn, angry and sad some days. Some days I'm so grateful for witnessing one of God's great miracles. Yet, I question why I couldn't have witnessed two miracles. Some days I just don't know how I feel.

Sunday, May 18, 2008 - Update

Our little sunshine

Olivia had a really good day today. She was able to visit both sets of grandparents. How many children get to do that when it's not even their birthday? She acted just like an angel and looked like one too.

Saturday, May 17, 2008 - Update

Oh, hey mom! Whatcha doing?
I am just planning our next trip to the zoo. . .

Elephants, rhinos, zebras, giraffes. . .

Then maybe we can swing by and see the penguins. . .

I am so grateful to have my husband home. He was out of town on business all week. He wouldn't let me mention anything on the blog. . .something about telling the whole world that his wife and daughter were home alone. That was probably smart, although, we weren't alone. . .my mom stayed with us. I appreciate all that my mom helped me do while he was gone. I felt bad having my mom take a vacation from work only to make her work. But, thank you mom!

Olivia now weighs 13 lbs! She is doing really well on her cereal, loves her sweet potatoes and sitting in her highchair. She doesn't, however, enjoy her patch and if there is a tiny section that's not stuck, she will attempt to pull the whole thing off.

Unbridled Excitement

I have talked before about how Olivia loves her mobile. Words can't quite describe it, so I thought I'd show you. We're basically going to have those animals attached to her bed until she's twelve. She LOVES them!