Saturday, March 12, 2011

I had a fabulous day today.  As some of you know, I’m not the only one who has struggled with depression.  My husband has had his fair share of struggles as well over the past few years.  He has finally found a regimen that has lifted his spirits and has been doing quite a bit better.  We had such a great day today. . .just the two of us.  We went shopping and Ryan actually let me pick out some of his clothes!  I got him some of those cute plaid shorts. . .I’m sure he’ll appreciate me calling them “cute.” We even got new iPhone 4’s.  For the first time in years, it felt like we were out on a date.  It was wonderful!  Olivia has been an angel this weekend and has continued to delight us by singing almost all the words to her Veggie Tale songs.  Someday, I’ll have to get her singing on video.  Hopefully, our amazing weekend continues tomorrow and we can always remember how great it feels to be happy again. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Some days I am just overwhelmed with gratefulness.  Olivia continues to amaze me and I’m reminded what a miracle she is.  Thank you, God, for constantly reminding me of the blessings in my life and allowing me to “see the stars” instead of the mud.   

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Olivia and I got haircuts today.  She does fabulous now with getting her hair trimmed.   I’m so proud of the big girl she is becoming.  And, she looks adorable with her new short style. 

Monday, March 8, 2011

Olivia has always had trouble with getting her hands messy.  She usually asks for her hands to be wiped after 10 seconds or so.  This is something we have been working on for some time.  Well, today we finger painted for a long time and she had NO problem getting her hands messy.

[Caught red handed.]

Nor did she have any problem getting her arms messy. . .

or her face messy. . .

or her neck or her hair, etc.

We made such a mess, in fact, that we went straight to the bathtub.

Olivia got such a kick out of the fact that the water turned pink.  LOL.  We had a great afternoon!

Monday, March 7, 2011

I got 70 pages into  my book and I had to stop.  I realized that I can’t continue it. . .at least not right now.  Some days I am no more over my grief than I was three years ago.  I have no revelations to share nor anything to make myself or others feel better.  Losing a child leaves you with a sense of uneasiness that makes complete trust in God difficult sometimes.  It makes you question everything that you ever believed.  A trust in God does not mean trusting that everything will turn out the way you pray for it to.  It means trusting that His plan is what is best. . .even if that means losing your child.  That is hard to do.  So, I walk around every day with huge burdens on my shoulders and completely filled with anxiety.  I worry about Olivia all the time. . .I look for the worst possible scenario in every situation.  I think it’s my futile attempt at protecting myself and my daughter.  I know that I am to cast all of my cares upon the Lord, but every time I attempt to do so. . .it’s as if I say, “But please don’t take away anyone else that I love.”   I’m really struggling with this right now.  But, I’m searching and praying and reading and praying some more in hopes to find peace about it all.

Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw the stars."  -Frederick Langbridge

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of mud.  I’m reading a book called Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment by Linda Dillow.  I want to be content.  I want to come to terms with the fact that I gave birth at 23 weeks.  I want to be okay with the fact that my body can’t become pregnant easily or stay pregnant.   I lost my son and my daughter was robbed of her time in the womb and I want to be content just the same.  Regardless of my circumstances. . .I want to feel God’s peace.  I’m learning that contentment has nothing to do with your circumstances, but with your way of thinking. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

So, that is what I’m trying hard to do.  It’s difficult to write posts such as these. . .it makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable.  I know, however, that some of the blogs I appreciate the most are the ones that exude honesty and vulnerability.  And, this is what my life is like. . .at least for now.