Saturday, January 19, 2008

March of Dimes - March for Babies

March for Babies on the Olivia and Logan Team
April 26, 2008 - 10:00 am
Sedgwick County Park
6300 W 13th Wichita, KS

Help me raise money to help give babies like myself and my twin brother, Logan, 9 full months in the womb. You can donate money OR sign up for the Olivia and Logan team and walk with me and my family on April 26th! - Olivia

Saturday, January 19, 2008 - Update

Daddy's Little Wildcat
Mommy's Little Princess
After some very deep soul-searching, I've decided to quit pumping. Nursing went well for awhile, but Olivia has a really hard time transitioning from bottle to breast. I tried a nipple shield that makes it more like a bottle, but she just likes to pull it off. At this time, we have to give Olivia her phenobarb mixed in a bottle, so we can't give up her bottles yet. It's just too difficult to keep feeding her and then pump afterwards when she just wants to be held. I need to get rid of some stress and this seems to be one way to alleviate some. I think Olivia would prefer a relaxed mommy over mommy's milk. It's difficult because I really feel that my milk helped save her life as 23 weekers' digestive systems are not ready to handle formula. It also gave her some antibodies that she didn't get in the last trimester. I always want to do what's best for her and I feel proud that I could pump for almost 5 months. We have a freezer and deep freeze full of frozen milk that she'll still get for some time. But, I tell ya. . . .I'm ready to put my pump away and never see it again for as long as I live.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Tummy Time

Olivia's Cousins - Part One

Isabelle Ann Sailing, 5 months

Favorite Color: My mom tells me it's pink
Hobbies: Laying on belly, spitting up, drooling, checking in on Olivia and looking at her pictures, shaking my rattle, drinking baba and eating peas.
Favorite Toy(s): Baby Einstein Gym and Sing-A-Long Stage
Name one thing you want to teach Olivia: Anything. . .I just can't wait to play with her.

Friday, January 18, 2008 - My dream

The other night I had a dream about Logan. He was crawling around the dining room table pushing a little truck. Then, he climbed up on me and kept saying "mamamama." I remember it so vividly. . .it was so real. In my dream, I got him videotaped and when I woke up I had the urge to check the video camera. I just remember wondering why he was older than Olivia. When I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I wasn't upset. I was actually very comforted and felt grateful to see him. Now that I think about it. . .he did look a lot like Lincoln.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I love you Lambie

Olivia must have her lamb with her whenever it's playtime. She loves to watch it sway to the music.

You've gotta love her facial expressions!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wednesday, January 15, 2008 - Update

Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and suggestions. The last two days have been a little better. I think it is just a combination of many things getting me down and I'm working on ways to make things better. Does the worry ever go away with a micropreemie? I mean, after RSV season is over, I can't see myself just passing her around to people. Are their immune systems ever similar to full term babies? Is it normal to fear the loss of other people in your life after you've lost someone very special to you? I can't imagine my fears being unfounded, but at the same time. . .I can't live in fear forever.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 Update

Sorry that I haven't gotten a post written until now. I always try to be honest in my posts without delving too far into my personal life. I have just been struggling a bit lately. I am still having problems over Logan's death. I have a fear of losing Olivia and others who mean a lot to me. I am going a little stir crazy because of being cooped up in the house. I haven't really been outside much in months because when Olivia was in the hospital, I went from my garage to the hospital parking garage. I can't get out because public places terrify me. I am afraid of bringing home an illness to Olivia. Plus, I can't hardly bear to be apart from her. I can't spend too much time outside because it's cold and I can't get Olivia out in it. Lack of sleep makes everything a lot worse. Because of all that, I have been struggling and frustrated by not knowing what is wrong. I think everything is catching up to me and I haven't had a chance to really deal with all of it yet. I have decided to get dressed and ready each day even if I don't go anywhere to see if that helps a bit.

Anyway, Rainbows is coming tomorrow afternoon. I believe that it is just to fill out paperwork and then her first evaluation is Feb 6th. I pray that she is developing as she should. I am sure proud of how she's doing. Thanks for listening and your continued prayers.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sunday, January 13, 2008 - Counting Your Blessings ...

Olivia had fun today impersonating various rock legends.
Elvis. . thank you, thank you very much

Gene Simmons from KISS

Storytime with Mommy

I feel like I have been given the opportunity to raise awareness of not only prematurity, but of infant loss and infertility. Do people understand the intense pain of losing a child? Do people truly understand the pain of infertility? For a second, please think of all of the joys that your children have given you. Those people who suffer with infertility and infant loss are robbed of those joys. I was always taught that I could become anything I wanted to be and found that is not always true if what you wanted to become was a mother. No matter how hard I tried or how much I prayed, it seemed impossible. It didn’t matter that I knew more about the human reproductive system than some medical professionals. As I look ahead, I realize that this is probably my one shot at motherhood and it saddens me that Olivia may not have any siblings . . .at least here on earth. I’m in no way discounting what is possible with God, but I just know how difficult it was for me. I mean, my husband had to give me shots in the stomach. I had weekly doctor visits and had to take progesterone three times a day for the first 13 weeks. I was still only able to carry them until 23 weeks. Not only do I have trouble getting pregnant, but I apparently have difficulty staying pregnant as well. Olivia is truly my dream come true. I still know so many people struggling with their journey to motherhood and I’ll never forget how hard that lonely journey is. A simple baby shower or another baby blessed to someone else was enough to send me into a depression. I think it’s so important to take time in our lives to appreciate the joys that we have, but to also acknowledge those people who struggle to have those same joys. . .whatever they may be. Open your arms and your hearts to them as you have done the past few months to me. I couldn’t have made it through myself without God and the kindness of people like all of you.

Sunday, January 13, 2008 - RSV

I know I talk a lot about RSV, so I thought I would provide some additional information. This year, the Wichita area is one of the hardest hit in the nation. (Of all years and of all places.)