I Wonder. . .

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have another baby.  What would it be like to carry a baby to term?  What would it be like to take my baby home just days after birth?  What would it be like for Olivia to be a big sister?  How in the world would I ever survive another NICU stay or the loss of another child?  Would it even be possible to get pregnant again after my struggles?  And now with PCOS, diabetes, fatigue, an incompetent cervix and a classical  (vertical) c-section scar. . would I even dare try?  Would it be irresponsible to do so?  Or, would I always regret it if I didn’t?  These questions weigh heavy on my heart.  Almost everyone I know who has given birth prematurely, has gone on to have more children.  Some of the these people faced the same obstacles that stand before me.  Some prevailed. . .some were met with additional heartache.  I thought the pain of infertility was gone, but I’m realizing it never goes away.  Everyone has their own dream of what they want their family to look like.  Infertility robs you of those choices.  Premature birth threatens your dreams.  Losing a child takes away a piece of your heart that you will never get back.  All three of them have made me a person that I don’t want to be.  This is not something that I talk about often.  I hide behind the pretense of not wanting any additional children.  Most of the time, I am just fine.  Olivia is more than I ever dreamed I would have.  I realize what a complete and absolute miracle she is.  And, if I never have any more children, I will be just fine.  With Logan gone. . .even if I had another child. . .my life would still not be complete.  But, maybe some of the feelings of inadequacy or jealousy or hopelessness would ease up.   Please pray for me.  Please ask God to bring me a peace about it all. . .that whatever the future holds. . .I will be more than okay with.  I want to feel a happiness and a fulfillment that only He can provide.  A happiness and fulfillment that infertility, premature birth and infant loss cannot take from me.  Please let this be your prayer for me and my family and watch God work in my life.  Thank you.

Friday, February 11, 2011

 

Are you as ready for spring as we are?

We have had so much snow lately. . .it’s getting a little old.  I can’t wait for warmer weather.  I don’t remember a time when schools have been closed so often for snow days.  A few months ago, I saw a snowsuit on clearance at Target and just about bought it.  But, I thought, “How often would she wear it?  Maybe once?”  Too bad I didn’t get it.  She could have worn it once. . . .a week!  This next week brings 60 degree weather and I’m so excited.  Olivia, however, might actually prefer the snow.

Snow Day!

Olivia and I took advantage of all this snow and went outside to play in it.  We walked out the front steps and the snow was almost up to Olivia’s waist!  We got a lot of snow. . .over a foot in some places!  Olivia had a blast, even though she wanted to play in it a lot longer. 

Afterwards, she took a nice, hot bath.  Now, we just need to make some hot chocolate!  Hmm. . I wonder if I have any. . .

March for Babies

The March for Babies is fast approaching.  I just wanted to thank all of you for your continued support of our family and ask if you would consider donating to the Olivia and Logan Team.  To do so, just click on the March of Dimes banner to your right.  You can also send your donations directly to me if you wish to pay with cash or check.  Email me at jsail63@hotmail.com for my address.  You can also sign up to walk on our team by clicking the banner as well.  Whether you’ve walked in previous years or if you never have. . .we’d LOVE to have you! 

Saturday, April 16th at 9:00 am

300 N. McLean Blvd  Wichita, KS  67203

If you haven’t already, please let me know by March 1st if you would like a team t shirt this year!  They will be available for $10 for those who would like them. . .with a special promotion for those who purchased t shirts two years ago and plan to walk with us again.  We really hope to see some of you there!  Thanks again for helping!

Rejection

Sometimes it’s a good thing. . .especially when it means you won’t have to serve on a jury for a case that was slated to last longer than a week.  Now, don’t get me wrong. .I feel that being a juror is a great responsibility and is immensely important.  At this point in my life, however, it is not something that I wanted to do.  After spending ALL day in a courtroom, I was beyond thrilled to learn that I was not chosen to be on the jury.  Over 17 years ago, I was robbed at gunpoint and I think I have that experience to thank.  Who knew it would someday come in handy?  Now, I can go back to my normal life spending time with my sweet little girl.  Whew!

Reunion

An old friend of mine is in town this week, so a bunch of us from high school held a mini-reunion on Saturday night.  It had been over 15 years since I’d seen some of my old friends, which is really silly since most of us still live in town.  I forgot how much I missed some of my old friends.  It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed introducing Ryan to everyone.  We are definitely going to need to get together more often. . .or at least before another 15 years passes.