Sunday, June 28, 2009 - Update

I can't believe that it has been six years since Ryan and I said "I do." Of course, at that time, we had no idea what life had in store for us. We only knew that, whatever it was, we wanted to experience it together. Boy, what experiences we have had within the past six years! Sometimes it's nice not to know what life has in store for you. But, even if we had known, I have every confidence that we still would have pledged our lives to one another. Thank you, Ryan, for meaning every word that you said. . .even when we didn't know what "for better or worse" truly meant.

You have been committed to being my husband. . .even when faced with the prospect of never being a daddy. You went through everything that was asked of you during our struggle to have a baby. When I faltered. . .you never gave up. I still remember the joy of calling you at work to let you know that you were finally going to be a daddy. I remember the look on your face when the doctor told us that he saw three babies! It was a look of "Uh Oh," but still with a smile and a sparkle in your eye. You mourned with me when we lost Baby B. . .even when others said "thank goodness." You never missed a doctor's appointment with me and you never dismissed my feeling that something was wrong with my pregnancy.

You were there with me at the hospital when they told us that labor couldn't be stopped. I had never seen you cry like that. Your tears conveyed the deep love that you already had for our children. You held my hand when they told me to push. I still remember your words in the silence of the room after Olivia was born. . ."She's moving and she's beautiful." I remember not wanting to leave your side when they whisked me off to deliver Logan by c-section. I remember waking up to your reassuring words that my babies were being taken care of.

You called every morning and every night to check on Olivia and Logan in the NICU. You went to the hospital with me every single day to visit them. I remember how you held our son the night he passed away. Somehow, you were still my rock even though I knew it was just as tough on you. Your love for your daughter is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. You and I are the only ones that truly understand everything that our family has been through. You are such a good daddy and I know that you will be there for Olivia throughout her life. . .just as you are for me. Thank you for always "holding the ceiling up" when the weight has been too much for me to bear.

Of course, we have had less stressful times together as well. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon, had wonderful vacations in Florida, watched as our house became our home, spent our weekends shopping, dining, going to movies, etc. Through good times and bad, I don't feel that your love has ever wavered. I love you even more than that day six years ago when we said "I do." You are my husband and my best friend in the whole world and I love you so much. Happy Anniversary!

Friday, June 26, 2009 - Update

Happy Birthday, Alex!

My nephew's birthday is June 27th, so we wanted to say Happy Birthday! Alex, we hope you enjoy it. . .it's the last year that your age will be in the single digits!!

Olivia is feeling better each day. She still has a rash and has been a bit cranky. She did sleep all night last night, so that's a good sign. Of course, I didn't sleep at all. I have a problem sometimes with restless legs syndrome. It's hard to explain, but for those who have experienced it. . .you know how awful it is. That was actually the third night in a row that it has kept me up and it's driving me crazy. Sleeping pills only make it worse, so I'm hoping and praying and hoping that I get some sleep tonight. Please oh please oh please!!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009 - Update

Riding "Frank" at grandma and grandpa's house

Yesterday, Olivia was doing a lot better. . .her fever was gone, but then last night she developed a rash. We're suspecting that it is roseola since it is usually diagnosed by a few days of a high fever followed by a rash. Yesterday, she was back to her normal, happy self, but today she is extremely cranky. I'm not sure if it is from her illness or her teeth. I don't know how many she is getting all at once, but her mouth looks like a war zone. Poor thing. All in all. . .it's been a rough week between her being sick, Ryan's back, my lack of sleep, this unrelenting heat, etc. I'm ready for the weekend.

As many of you know, I began going to a therapist a few weeks ago. She is starting something with me called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I guess that traumatic memories are stored differently and in a different part of the brain than other memories. They are sort of like an undigested clump of memories. This type of therapy helps to "digest" and process them more like other memories so that they are not so difficult to relive. I have an extremely difficult time with Logan's death. I also have a lot of trouble with the day that Logan and Olivia were born. Actually, I think the anniversary of Logan's death is easier on me than the day that they were born. The anniversary of his death is just sort of a day of mourning for our family and we allow ourselves to be sad on that day. The day of their birth is, well, Olivia's birthday. It's a happy day and I don't want her to grow up thinking of it as any other type of day. Hopefully, this will help me move forward with the memories of what we've been through. . .but, without the pain.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 - Update

Guess what I learned to do?

Hmm. . .what's in here?

Last night had to go down in the record books for the most sleepless night of all time. It was awful. Olivia is a fantastic sleeper. I usually put her to bed around 9 pm and I don't hear a peep out of her until morning. A few months ago, she started getting into the habit of waking up multiple times, so we had to nip that in the bud. It only took three nights of continuously laying her back down before she was sleeping like a champ again. Since she has been sick, it has been difficult for her to sleep and I just don't have it in me to let her cry in her room by herself. So, I have been sleeping in a recliner with her. Last night, Olivia and I were really restless and could not fall asleep. It was funny, though, around 1 pm. . .she looked at me, smiled and said, "Woof, woof." I barked back and we continued barking and laughing at each other for some time. Finally, when sleep just kept eluding us. . .we crawled into bed with daddy. I don't know how people sleep with their children or how a 19 lb child can somehow take up the entire bed. I hardly slept at all on my 2 inches of bed space. If it wasn't for the few dreams that I had, I would swear that I didn't sleep at all.

Anyway, Olivia's temp seems to be gone today. She must have heard me talking about taking her to the doctor. She is doing much better than she's done all week, so hopefully we're on the mend. In fact, she's learning all kinds of new things today like how to open cabinet doors and if she holds the phone up to her ear, she looks just like mama. I just hope that we can both take a nice, long nap this afternoon.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 - Update

This morning, Olivia's temp shot up to 103.4. She was miserable, but once her temp came down, she started playing again. I don't understand it. If she's still running a temp tomorrow, I'll probably take her into the doctor. Her cousin had the same thing (with a higher temp) and was told it was viral. Other than a temperature, she's acting pretty normal.

I'm frustrated with myself for being so tired and know that I need to step it up. My daughter is sick, my husband is still having problems with his back. . .there really isn't any time for me to be tired. I still can't shake this fatigue that's been going on for over a year now. It's awful and I'm done with it. It doesn't help that it's so incredibly hot outside that I feel trapped inside the house just like I did all winter. Olivia doesn't understand why she can't go outside and I forgot how much I despise hot weather.

Monday, June 22, 2009 - Update

This is what a rough night looks like in the morning (although I'm never that happy.)

Thanks, honey, for the lovely pictures that I discovered on my camera this morning. Olivia has been feeling okay. We're still trying to keep her temperature down with Tylenol. For most of the day, she was her normal self and she has continued eating just fine. I'm still hoping this illness passes quickly.

A Not So Happy Father's Day

I'm not feeling well. . .

not well at all.

But, I'll still manage a smile for the camera.


and let my daddy know how much I love him!

Olivia surprised us today with a 102 temp. She surprised us again by eating all of her lunch even though she wasn't feeling well. Yet another surprise was in store when she threw it all up. Poor thing is not feeling well today. We have been able to get her temp down to around 100 and she is starting to play again. I'm sure that missing a cookout, throwing out his back, having a sick daughter, cleaning up vomit and mowing was not on Ryan's Father's Day wish list. Can we have a do-over? Please pray that Olivia is back to herself soon and that this illness doesn't last long. I'd better go and snuggle with my daughter. She needs a lot of extra snuggles today and I'm ready and willing.