Saturday, June 6, 2009 - Update

My first trip to Olive Garden

Yum!

Playing ponies with my cousins.

This weekend has been one of firsts. We took Olivia to Olive Garden for lunch. She's been to restaurants, but not since she was a baby in her carseat. This was the first time she sat in the big girl high chair (heavily sanitized beforehand.) She did pretty well until the end when she decided she was ready to leave. We were pretty proud of her considering it was such a new experience.

It seems all week long, I am looking for things to do and then I cram them all in on the weekend. That is when I go to the grocery store and run other errands by myself. I had been contemplating taking Olivia to the grocery store during the week. Of course, I take her to places all of the time, but she stays in her stroller and doesn't sit in a grocery cart. Well, today she sat in a grocery cart for the first time (heavily sanitized beforehand, of course) when Ryan and I took her to the grocery store. She did not do so well at the grocery store. Olivia didn't appreciate all of the stops and really didn't want to sit still for checkout. So, Ryan and I will probably take her together for a few more times before I take her by myself. She just needs to become a bit more accustomed to the experience. . .then, she'll be fine. hdcdgtbg nbh bbbbcvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvbyf (Thanks Olivia for those words of wisdom.)

And, last night her cousins, Julia and Rebekah, came over for a bit and Olivia played ponies with them. Julia and Rebekah are such a joy to have over. We ended the evening watching the Disney channel in bed. . .yep, we're a pretty boring aunt and uncle.

Friday, June 5, 2009 - Update

Well, I'm feeling a bit better than I was yesterday. I apologize for rambling on and on. I find it really hard to "fake" how I'm feeling on here and write an upbeat post if I'm not feeling so upbeat. Thanks for all of your comments. In response to one of them, I have been to multiple doctors and sadly, none of them can seem to help me. Isn't that scary? You'd think that if things got bad enough, someone would be able to help you. Whether it's depression or adrenal fatigue or both. . .I haven't found much success with anything. I've spent probably thousands of dollars in supplements, vitamins and medications with not much to show for. I've been reading a lot of books and one in particular called The UltraMind Solution is very good. I'm just too tired and too defeated to figure all of this stuff out on my own. The last thing to try is an overhaul with my diet to address any hidden food allergies, but they recommend going 6 weeks without: gluten or any bread, yeast, dairy, sugar, processed food (or anything in a box or package) caffeine and high fructose corn syrup (that's in everything.) Basically, I could eat veggies, nuts, seeds and berries. Hmmm. . .if I was a bird that might work. Who knows. . .I might try it if I get desperate enough. :) Every day, I try to be thankful for all that I do have (which is a lot) and Olivia's smile always gets me through. By the way, she says "mama" now and has started saying "daddy" instead of "dada." She says it with such joy and affection. . .it just melts my heart every time.

Olivia and Grandma Mary

This picture sure brightened my night. . .thanks Kim. This is Olivia with her grandma on her first boat ride at the zoo. Look at that sweet smile! This picture needs to be on a boat ride brochure or something. More pics to come tomorrow.

Pardon My Solemnity

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to be a mother of a former micro-preemie. I don't know how to stop worrying about her. I don't know how to tell myself that it's okay to let my guard down. I worry about her every second of every day. . .whether it's getting hurt or getting sick. Do other micro-preemie moms feel this way? I don't know whether it stems more from losing Logan or from almost losing Olivia. I know to some people I might seem ridiculous or overly-protective, but until you've walked in my shoes. . .I don't think you could predict how you'd react. Would you believe that I previously never even owned hand sanitizer? I washed my hands the same amount of times each day as many of you. I never even knew what RSV was or the viable gestational age of a baby. I didn't know what a PIP or a PEEP was or what strabismus was or what GGT stood for or exactly what your hematocrit was. I used to be a normal person. . .well, a somewhat normal person who maybe worried a bit more than some. Now I'm this overly-anxious mother who cries for no reason and some mornings can still barely get out of bed. Of course, I put on my smiling face like I always have. . .sometimes it's real and sometimes it's very forced. The hardest part is knowing that no matter what I do, I'm pretty powerless. I was powerless to stop Logan and Olivia from being born so early. I was powerless to prevent their suffering. I was powerless to save Logan's life. I know what you are all thinking. . .that's where faith comes in. That's when you give it all to God and I know that. . . I do. But, why didn't God know how much I needed Logan here on earth? And, if he knew. . .why didn't He let Logan stay here and grow up with his sister? Didn't God know what all of this would do to me? Some days (like today) I don't feel strong enough. I need to know that Olivia will always be safe with me here on earth, but I realize that's a guarantee that none of us can be given. I know that it's nothing short of a miracle that Olivia bears very few signs of her prematurity and I couldn't be more thankful. I, however, bear so many of the signs, lingering effects and anxieties. I just want to be carefree and able to laugh and play and enjoy my amazing daughter.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I know I probably shouldn't be due to the mood that I'm in tonight. We all get into moods like this, right? I just need to be reminded that God does love me and He is in control of my life. . .

Happy Birthday

H stands for Happy Birthday Aunt Kimmy! We hope you have a great day!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 - Update

Olivia and her favorite book

Some days, Olivia and I just get really bored. I try to think of things that we can do that don't cost money, like. . .going for walks, swinging, going to the zoo (we have a membership), reading books, watching Baby Signing Time, but some days I run out of ideas. Then, we end up going to Target and I really need to avoid that place. :) So, what are some ideas that you have? What fun activities do you do with your kids that are Olivia's age. Of course, she doesn't yet pretend play and doesn't like to sit still, so that makes it hard. I could, however, use a different perspective.

Last night I weighed Olivia and sadly. . .we're back down to 18.5 lbs. I was really rooting for the 4 people who predicted that she would weigh 20 lbs by June 1st. No matter what I do, it seems I can't get Olivia to gain weight. Her doctor isn't going to be pleased.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009 - Update

How adorable are these pictures? I tell ya, I have the cutest daughter ever!!

I still may be severely lacking in energy, but I have solved my insomnia problem. A friend recommended this awhile ago and my pharmacist suggested it as well. . .magnesium glycinate. Take it right before you go to sleep. It works better than any sleeping pill and many people are magnesium deficient. It wasn't working for me at first because I was taking it too early. I have to take it right when I lay down and close my eyes. I've never slept better, although I'm still tired in the morning like I didn't sleep at all. It just doesn't make sense.

Oh, and Olivia did just fine with me gone last night. She went to bed like an angel for daddy. I don't think she even missed me. . .sniff. .sniff. She is such a big girl.

Monday, June 1, 2009 - Update

This post is brought to you by the letter H.

She loves her letter H. It's crazy. She has to go to the refrigerator every morning to get it and she carries it around for most of the day. I don't understand what is so appealing about it, but. . .she knows what sound it makes along with the letters D (B and T sort of sound like D), F, M, O, S and W. She knows a few others, although not as consistently. Olivia is crazy about her letters.

Tonight, I'm looking forward to going to a movie. It's the first time that I'll be gone for Olivia's bedtime. She used to be very adamant about only letting me put her to sleep. I think she has sort of outgrown that. . .at least I hope so because daddy will be putting her to sleep tonight. I'm looking forward to a night out.

Sunday, May 31, 2009 - Update

Can you tell that I didn't like my kiddie pool? The water was too cold!
So, I crawled right out.

There. Much better.

This is what I wanted to do! Walk around outside with daddy!

I'm too much of an explorer to stay in one place anyway. . .