Thursday, June 4, 2009

Pardon My Solemnity

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to be a mother of a former micro-preemie. I don't know how to stop worrying about her. I don't know how to tell myself that it's okay to let my guard down. I worry about her every second of every day. . .whether it's getting hurt or getting sick. Do other micro-preemie moms feel this way? I don't know whether it stems more from losing Logan or from almost losing Olivia. I know to some people I might seem ridiculous or overly-protective, but until you've walked in my shoes. . .I don't think you could predict how you'd react. Would you believe that I previously never even owned hand sanitizer? I washed my hands the same amount of times each day as many of you. I never even knew what RSV was or the viable gestational age of a baby. I didn't know what a PIP or a PEEP was or what strabismus was or what GGT stood for or exactly what your hematocrit was. I used to be a normal person. . .well, a somewhat normal person who maybe worried a bit more than some. Now I'm this overly-anxious mother who cries for no reason and some mornings can still barely get out of bed. Of course, I put on my smiling face like I always have. . .sometimes it's real and sometimes it's very forced. The hardest part is knowing that no matter what I do, I'm pretty powerless. I was powerless to stop Logan and Olivia from being born so early. I was powerless to prevent their suffering. I was powerless to save Logan's life. I know what you are all thinking. . .that's where faith comes in. That's when you give it all to God and I know that. . . I do. But, why didn't God know how much I needed Logan here on earth? And, if he knew. . .why didn't He let Logan stay here and grow up with his sister? Didn't God know what all of this would do to me? Some days (like today) I don't feel strong enough. I need to know that Olivia will always be safe with me here on earth, but I realize that's a guarantee that none of us can be given. I know that it's nothing short of a miracle that Olivia bears very few signs of her prematurity and I couldn't be more thankful. I, however, bear so many of the signs, lingering effects and anxieties. I just want to be carefree and able to laugh and play and enjoy my amazing daughter.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I know I probably shouldn't be due to the mood that I'm in tonight. We all get into moods like this, right? I just need to be reminded that God does love me and He is in control of my life. . .

7 comments:

Julia said...

I am just going to lovingly remind you that God loves you and is in control of your life. And while I am reminding you, I am going to remind myself. God loves you and so do I. We can trust Him. He knows more than we do and He actually has the power to effect change. If you would like to hear it, I read a great magnolia story this morning.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand some of your questions and feelings. I am overly protective of my second child, Isaac (a happy 37-weeker), because we laost his sister 2 days after her birth at 26 wks. My husband and I very protective of him more so than other parents that we know and I think it boils down to the fact that we understand the loss of a child and we never want to be there again.

Tara

Anonymous said...

Just want you to know you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. I think preemie parents and parents who have lost a child will always have a different outlook on life. Have you considered finding a support group with other parents in similar situations?
Neva

Tina said...

Jodi,
I cry often for you and all parents who have lost a child. It's hard to understand why He takes children. Take comfort in remembering that in Logan's short time here, he brought many people closer to God. Praise the Lord!

Anonymous said...

Hi Jodi-
I believe you are a completely normal mom. When my daughter went to kindergarten I used to worry about her school bus driving into the river and it was all I could do to not follow it to school every day. I am worried about the not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and wonder if you have seen your doctor?

Anonymous said...

"Rejoice on our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying". Romans 12:12

abby said...

Jodi,

I wish I had answers. I know what you're going through and I wish I could tell you that I had an amazing strategy that worked without fail every time. I don't. I still get depressed (though having to take care of the kids forces me out of bed) and even more often I get angry (usually at insensitive people who are dismissive and don't care and also at the whole system that we have to negotiate).

But one important thing you are doing is letting us know that you need our support. And another important thing that you are doing is that you are getting help with what you are going through---medical, familial, spiritual help etc.

Please know that we know where you are coming from and that we are here for you. Having micropreemies (today marks the third anniversary of our showing up in L&D at 23 weeks 0 days with very little hope of staving off the birth of our girls) and losing one of them (that anniversary is just around the corner) and then dealing with the fear and anxiety that having a micropreemie brings upon a family is something we know all too well.