Saturday, April 6, 2008 - Update

Lately I've been particularly down and I'm not quite sure why. This morning I think I realized a few things. All relationships and friendships are built on giving and taking and lately I've felt that I've only been taking. I'll never be able to repay everyone who has been so supportive over the last several months. I'm still not caught up on my thank you notes. Sometimes I barely find it in me just to get through the day. I still struggle from time to time from bouts of depression. For months, I spent every day at the hospital and the past few months in isolation at home. I can't go many places and it's still a little nerve-wracking to have a lot of people over. So, I sit here at my computer and I have no idea how to tell my friends and family how much they mean to me. I don't know how long it will take me to recover from the last 7 months. . .it's been quite exhausting to me physically, mentally and emotionally. I just feel that I'm in a rather hard place. As we near the end of RSV season, I'm not sure how much to expose Olivia to. Where is the line between being careless and being over-protective? I don't want Olivia to be 2 years old with no immunities built up, however, I want to do everything in my power to keep her safe. I don't know where or how to find the answers. Please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers and know that you are all in mine.

Friday, April 4, 2008 - Update

The beginning of a great friendship.

Thumbs are better than pacifiers!

Shelley, Donnie and Izzy came over today to pick up some of my old clothes for their garage sale. I was excited about Olivia and Izzy seeing each other for the first time (although not touching or anything like that.) It didn't go so well. Izzy wasn't too interested in Olivia and Olivia cried the whole time. What a pair! My brother got a picture but, it is such an awful picture of me, I couldn't post it. Shelley later emailed me the above picture and I was glad that one of the pictures turned out cute. We'll try again later. It was good, however, to see them and I enjoyed their visit.

Thursday, April 3, 2008 - Update

Sometimes it's important to be reminded of how far we've come. . .
and of the miracles in our lives.

(These pictures were taken when Olivia was just a few days old.)

Hey, there's my Lil' Kinz!

I am still amazed at the number of people who come by to check on my daughter. We have had over 37,000 visits since Stacie put the sitemeter on in October. Many of you are my close family and friends and many of you I have never met. Sometimes I feel that you have all cried with me and laughed with me even though we're miles apart. Thank you so much for finding the time in your day and the place in your heart for my family.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008 - Update

Did you hear that I am over 11 lbs?
I'm a big girl!

Since there are others dealing with problems such as reflux and vomiting, I thought I would share what seems to work for us. We have seen a slight decrease with the Prevacid and the Enfamil AR, but we finally found something that works for her. It has been suggested many times to feed her smaller meals more frequently. The trick was finding the right amount and frequency. Since she has most of her problems at night, we didn't make any adjustments to her daily routine. She still takes as much as she wants about every 3 hours during the day. After 5 pm, however, we only feed her about 80 ccs (about 2.5 oz) every 1.5 hours. Sorry, we measure her formula intake in ccs or mL. . . .old NICU habit, I guess. So, instead of waiting three hours and trying to feed her 160 ccs only to have her throw up half of it, we feed her 80 ccs, wait an hour and a half and feed her the rest. It works beautifully. Her stomach just can't take that much all at one time . . .even when she seems to want more. She does best when her stomach doesn't get too full or too empty. Plus, we've been able to get her to take 20-21 oz per day this past week. We are supposed to start her on cereal this month. Now that we finally have everything under control, I'm a little hesitant to throw something new into the mix. Keep your fingers crossed.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 - Update

Whenever we have trouble getting Olivia to sleep, Ryan sits her down and teaches her all about computers. . .

It works every time.

Olivia had a doctor's appt today for her last Synagis shot of the season. She handled it like a pro, as usual, and we're proud to say that her weight is up to 11 lbs 3 oz. This is fantastic considering her problems with vomiting and the fact that she started out at 1 lb 1.5 oz. Speaking of which, she hadn't had a major vomiting episode for over a week. . .until today, but I take full responsibility for that one. I should know better than to give her the Prevacid AFTER her bottle. Anyway, I think we finally found something that works. I want to give her a little more time before I start bragging about it, but the absence of vomiting has made our day to day life much easier.

I was going to do this big April Fools joke on all of you, but it has gotten to be so late in the day I was afraid that some of you wouldn't read it until tomorrow. Oh well. . .maybe next year. . .

Monday, March 31, 2008 - Update

It was on March 31, 2007 that Olivia, Logan and Baby B were conceived by our 8th IUI. I don't remember a whole lot about that day. It was a Saturday so Ryan and I were able to go to the clinic together. Normally, he would go a few hours before me. At least I can say that we were together when they were conceived.

My favorite nurse, Mary, did the procedure. She was telling us about how great her success rate had been lately. Everyone there would laugh because every pregnancy test that came back positive had Mary's name on it. Because it was a Saturday, I didn't have to go back to work. I just went home and stayed in bed the rest of the day. . .and prayed. Finally, my prayers were answered. Well, not exactly. You see, I had heard stories of miscarriages, stillborns and infant loss and I distinctly remember praying that if something like that would happen to me. . .I'd rather not get pregnant at all. I didn't feel I was strong enough to handle something like that. I'm now thankful for unanswered prayers. I went on to miscarry Baby B, give birth 17 weeks too soon and lose my precious Logan. But, if God had chosen to protect me from those losses. . .I wouldn't have my Olivia. Every day I am so thankful for her.

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Well worth the wait. . .

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate
. . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine
. . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

My mom reminded me of this poem yesterday. I love this poem. It provided me with a sense of peace when I was waiting for my child. It applies to me now more than ever. I believe it could apply to all of us as we wait for our hearts desires and learn to trust God's timing in place of our own.