One Boy, One Girl

Olivia

Logan

Last year on August 9th I had my 20 week ultrasound and was able to find out the sexes of my twins. It was one of the best days of my life. Baby A was measured first and we were thrilled to learn that we were having a girl. The ultrasound tech moved on to Baby B and when she announced it was a boy. . . .wow, a boy and a girl. It was perfect. I had never felt so blessed in my life. All of the pain, disapointments month after month, shots, doctor visits. . .it was all worth it. At that time, I had no idea of the pain and heartbreak that was to come. I had only experienced the tip of the iceberg.

I go back to that day and wonder why they didn't see any red flags. How could they think everything was fine when I gave birth 3 short weeks later? If I had simply uttered, "Check my cervix," would that have changed anything? I just didn't know. . .I didn't know. I trusted them to know what to check for. If they had learned of my impending premature labor, I realize that I still probably wouldn't have made it close to term. But, if I could have made it a few more weeks or even days. . .maybe Logan would still be here. I feel like I'm always looking for somewhere to place the blame and in the end it falls back on me. I'm the mom and needed to take care of my babies. I feel like I need to know more about everything because apparently you can't place your trust in other people. That's a huge weight for my shoulders. . .no wonder I'm always tired.

As time goes on, I don't expect to have my two babies with me. We no longer have the two cribs or the double stroller. Logan's clothes are packed away with the clothes that Olivia has outgrown. For the longest time, we still referred to Olivia as "them or they."

"Are you ready to go up to the hospital to see them?"

"Have you called to learn how they are doing?"

"When they come home. . ."

We rarely do that anymore, but there are still moments. For instance, I had purchased blue hangers for Logan's side of the closet and pink hangers for Olivia's side. Now, the blue and the pink are intermingled in the closet. Sometimes when I'm hanging up Olivia's clothes, there are those moments when I grab a blue hanger. I realize there will always be those moments in our lives. I don't think things like that ever go away. I'll always miss Logan and wonder what it would be like to raise my twins together. I'll always go back to these anniversaries and wonder. . . . what if.

Friday, August 8, 2008 - Update

This is mommy's new favorite outfit. She went on and on about how cute I looked in it.
She does that a lot though. I'm kind of used to it.

Remember my mom's friend, Stacie? Well, today we are going over to meet Stacie's mom and sister.

I'm pretty excited!

Here I am with Stacie. She's so nice.

And here I am with Stacie's mom. (Hmm. . . I thought I heard Stacie's mom say that she didn't want her picture on the blog. Mommy, you have some explaining to do.)

Here's another kitty! They had one at their house too!

Stacie's sister, Trista, helped me with some strength training. Whew, it was hard work.

I came home and crashed from all of the socializing (and jumping.) It was a great day.

Thursday, August 7, 2008 - Update

Okay, I had to swipe this picture from Shelley's blog. Olivia was enjoying time with her cousin, Abbey. I thought this picture was adorable!

Whatcha looking at, Abbey?

Olivia and I had lunch over at Shelley and Izzy's with grandma and grandpa. Izzy was very happy that Olivia came over to play. . .it was too cute. Olivia showed off her jumping skills and Izzy even clapped for her. Olivia also got to interact with their kitty. For lunch, Izzy was eating some tapioca pudding. Lately I haven't been able to get Olivia to eat much of anything, so we tried some pudding and she loved it!! She must have learned a thing or two about Izzy's good eating habits because she ate some carrots when we got home. We also took a nap on the living room floor (Olivia woke me up at 5:30 this morning.) I hope Shelley and Izzy got a nap as well.

I am still shocked and amazed by a gift card that we got in the mail today. There was no return address and we have no idea who this gift was from. All we know is that it was from an amazing, wonderful, generous person and we sincerely thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We will use it to buy something special for Olivia's birthday. Thank you. . .there are wonderful people in this world.

Cough Cough Chuckle Chuckle

One of my favorite things about being a mother is finding the things that make Olivia laugh. They are not the expensive toys targeted to cause laughter in children. They are always unexpected and they always make me smile. Whether it's the clunky cart at Target or folding jeans (yes, today she thought that was hilarious) I love nothing more than hearing her laugh. Yesterday as I was attempting to feed her, I coughed. She burst into laughter. I grabbed the camera and caught a bit of it.

Also, be sure to check out Shea's blog. We go to church with Shea and she has been a long-time follower of my blog. She is one of the most tender-hearted, empathetic, caring teenagers in all of the world.

Double Take

Mommy and her daddy
Me and my daddy

I've been wanting to get this picture for a long time and Olivia is close to outgrowing the dress. Olivia and I don't look that much alike, although I think I had the same amount of hair on my head as a baby. We tried and tried, but couldn't manage to get her to grab the tie and smile at the same time. We had a lot of fun taking the pictures tonight (and thank you, Ryan, for putting on your suit jacket and tie just for the occasion.) Who knows. . .maybe Olivia's daughter will take the same picture with her daddy.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - Update

We borrowed this adorable Spin and Explore ladybug mat from Izzy. Apparently, she didn't like it. . .Olivia doesn't either. This would be a great tool to get Olivia to support herself with her arms, but as you can tell, she still manages not to use them. I think it would be tough to hold yourself up like that. Maybe that's why she doesn't like it. Anyway, I put her on it and then went and grabbed my camera (so that you can see what I'm talking about.) She started crying and I went to pick her up. When she saw the camera, however, she managed to grin. I took her picture. She cried again, saw the orange light on the camera. . grinned again. I think that she has learned (after 3000+ pictures)that the camera = smiles. And they were totally fake smiles because she wasn't happy at all.

Monday, August 4, 2008 - Update

Don't I look cute in my dress?
Here I am standing up. . .my favorite pastime. . .besides jumping.
Here's my cheesiest grin.

I feel like such a big girl.

Whoa. . .a little wobbly there.

Okay, that's better. . .aren't I a good stander?

Okay, these are only about half of the adorable pictures I took yesterday before church. She was extra adorable yesterday. . but, I guess I say that every day. I think she just gets cuter every day.

Olivia went over to spend time with Grandma Mary so that I could go out to lunch with my long-time friend and previous boss, Pam. It was really nice to catch up. I can't believe clients still ask about me and I've been gone almost a year. I feel so bad that they have to re-tell my story every time. Pam, we'll have to do it again soon.

Sunday, August 3, 2008 - Update

The woman of the hour!

Shelley and Jamie

I went to a baby shower today for my dear friend, Jamie. Shelley hosted it over at her house. I enjoyed seeing everybody. I have missed Jamie and everyone so much. Jamie and I used to work together and see each other on a daily basis. She is also the one responsible for introducing Shelley to my brother. Izzy wouldn't be here without her. So, she'll always have a huge place in my family's heart. I wish Jamie all the blessings in the world with her baby girl.