Saturday, August 9, 2008

One Boy, One Girl

Last year on August 9th I had my 20 week ultrasound and was able to find out the sexes of my twins. It was one of the best days of my life. Baby A was measured first and we were thrilled to learn that we were having a girl. The ultrasound tech moved on to Baby B and when she announced it was a boy. . . .wow, a boy and a girl. It was perfect. I had never felt so blessed in my life. All of the pain, disapointments month after month, shots, doctor visits. . .it was all worth it. At that time, I had no idea of the pain and heartbreak that was to come. I had only experienced the tip of the iceberg.

I go back to that day and wonder why they didn't see any red flags. How could they think everything was fine when I gave birth 3 short weeks later? If I had simply uttered, "Check my cervix," would that have changed anything? I just didn't know. . .I didn't know. I trusted them to know what to check for. If they had learned of my impending premature labor, I realize that I still probably wouldn't have made it close to term. But, if I could have made it a few more weeks or even days. . .maybe Logan would still be here. I feel like I'm always looking for somewhere to place the blame and in the end it falls back on me. I'm the mom and needed to take care of my babies. I feel like I need to know more about everything because apparently you can't place your trust in other people. That's a huge weight for my shoulders. . .no wonder I'm always tired.

As time goes on, I don't expect to have my two babies with me. We no longer have the two cribs or the double stroller. Logan's clothes are packed away with the clothes that Olivia has outgrown. For the longest time, we still referred to Olivia as "them or they."

"Are you ready to go up to the hospital to see them?"

"Have you called to learn how they are doing?"

"When they come home. . ."

We rarely do that anymore, but there are still moments. For instance, I had purchased blue hangers for Logan's side of the closet and pink hangers for Olivia's side. Now, the blue and the pink are intermingled in the closet. Sometimes when I'm hanging up Olivia's clothes, there are those moments when I grab a blue hanger. I realize there will always be those moments in our lives. I don't think things like that ever go away. I'll always miss Logan and wonder what it would be like to raise my twins together. I'll always go back to these anniversaries and wonder. . . . what if.


Kerry said...

I know this is an especially difficult time for you and Ryan as the anniversaries come along. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better and to let you know that it wasn't your fault. Just know that I am thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you all again soon.

Shea said...

Jodi, please don't feel that it's your fault. God does some strange things at some of the worst of times, and unfortunately, Logan's time was cut short. I know that nothing I say or do will bring Logan back, and for you and your family, I would give anything. And I know that the thoughts of Logan will be cherished in your heart forever, but as you celebrate Miss Olivia's birthday, remember how far you've come and everything that all of you have accomplished.
During this joyful and unfortuanately hard time, we will now more than ever be thinking and praying for you and your family.

Sue said...

Jodi, there was something published recently about post traumatic stress syndrome in mothers after a difficult birth and/or the loss of a newborn. The symptoms are the same as the ones our soldiers are feeling after combat. Have you considered talking with a grief therapist? My heart breaks when I read some of your posts.

Please know we love you and wish you and your family only the best.

Amanda said...

There are no words to express how I feel for you at this moment... you are one of the sweetest people I know, and I know so much about you and your family, and my heart has broken so many times reading your story- and yet, I've never even met you- I thank God that God has given you Olivia and given Olivia YOU! You are an incredible mom, and you are only feeling the natural feelings I would think any mother would feel for their child- Praying for you.....