We took Olivia to the circus for the first time today. I don’t believe I had been since I was in elementary school. I didn’t know that many people really went to the circus anymore, but it was packed! I mean “traffic backed up, no place to sit” packed! We, however, had a great time!
A few weeks ago, I decided to join the neonatal FAC (family advisory council) at the hospital where Olivia and Logan were born. I went to the first meeting and everything was fine until we went to tour the recently remodeled parent resource room. I had no idea that I’d be walking into the room that I held Logan in the night that he died. I was flooded with emotion and felt that I had made zero progress in the past 4+ years. After much soul searching and prayer, I realized that I just could not regularly visit the NICU again or return to that room. I talked to the head of the FAC about my feelings and she tried to think of other ways that I could help. She then offered me my own column in their newsletter. Hopefully, I’ll be able to think of what to say and ways to help parents currently going through the NICU. I just have to think of the title of my column. Any ideas?? Please leave your ideas in the comments section! Also, Olivia will be featured on their Wall of Hope. Hopefully, we’ll be able to bring hope to those in the NICU and with time, maybe I can venture back into that world to help others. For now, I’m just going to have to do it from afar.
On Saturday, I celebrated the life of Paxten along with her friends and family. It was an amazing and memorable service and meant a lot to me as a fellow grieving mother. I’ve been meaning to blog about it, but there are no words. The pastor mentioned that children who lose their parents are called orphans. One who loses a spouse is called a widow/widower. But, there is no name for a parent grieving the loss of a child. There are no words. I pray for Blake and Libby as time goes on because the grieving never truly stops. . .it just takes different forms. Like all parents who have lost a child, they will someday be asked, “How many children do you have?” It’s amazing how many times I have been asked this question and I still don’t know how to answer. There are no words. Or someone will look straight at me and ask, “Can you even imagine losing a child?” as if I’ve never had to bury my own. Most people, fortunately, cannot imagine it and God bless those who know the pain all too well. I am and will become many more things in life, but I’ll always be a mother who lost her child.
During times of heartache such as these, many people talk about taking the blessings that we have for granted. I’ve never felt that we take Olivia for granted after all we’ve been through. It’s not really the blessings that we are guilty of taking for granted. . .it’s the hardships. Potty training Olivia was a very challenging task and I can’t say that I’d ever want to relive that. But, Libby and Blake were unable to experience that with Paxten and I would have given anything to potty train Logan. So, did I take potty training Olivia for granted? Maybe I did. The morning that it took me 2 hours just to get Olivia to eat a half of a banana? I should praise God. Or the fact that she is unable to sit through an entire meal on her bottom without getting up to dance around? Praise the Lord. Thank you, God, for allowing me to experience parenthood. I know I appreciate the good, but I ask God for the patience and grace to deal with the challenges that we as parents face. . .and to praise Him through it all. Every child is a gift from God and one that could be returned at any moment.
There are truly no words to describe the pain of losing a child and the pain I feel for Blake and Libby. Please keep them and all the parents who have had to bury a child in your thoughts and prayers. Sometimes it’s hard to find the words, but simply letting them know that you care means a lot.
Here are a few pics from the past week or so. I’ve been kinda bad about getting them posted.
We’ve been heading to the park after I pick Olivia up from preschool. Luckily, we’ve had a mild winter that has allowed us to do so.
The other night, Olivia wanted to play dress up for the first time ever, I believe. All we had were old Halloween costumes. Remember this one? From when she was 2??? LOL!
Halloween 2009
And, Olivia and her cousin, Izzy, showed up at grandma and grandpa’s house today with matching kitty outfits. Those two are too cute!
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