Saturday, February 12, 2011

I Wonder. . .

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have another baby.  What would it be like to carry a baby to term?  What would it be like to take my baby home just days after birth?  What would it be like for Olivia to be a big sister?  How in the world would I ever survive another NICU stay or the loss of another child?  Would it even be possible to get pregnant again after my struggles?  And now with PCOS, diabetes, fatigue, an incompetent cervix and a classical  (vertical) c-section scar. . would I even dare try?  Would it be irresponsible to do so?  Or, would I always regret it if I didn’t?  These questions weigh heavy on my heart.  Almost everyone I know who has given birth prematurely, has gone on to have more children.  Some of the these people faced the same obstacles that stand before me.  Some prevailed. . .some were met with additional heartache.  I thought the pain of infertility was gone, but I’m realizing it never goes away.  Everyone has their own dream of what they want their family to look like.  Infertility robs you of those choices.  Premature birth threatens your dreams.  Losing a child takes away a piece of your heart that you will never get back.  All three of them have made me a person that I don’t want to be.  This is not something that I talk about often.  I hide behind the pretense of not wanting any additional children.  Most of the time, I am just fine.  Olivia is more than I ever dreamed I would have.  I realize what a complete and absolute miracle she is.  And, if I never have any more children, I will be just fine.  With Logan gone. . .even if I had another child. . .my life would still not be complete.  But, maybe some of the feelings of inadequacy or jealousy or hopelessness would ease up.   Please pray for me.  Please ask God to bring me a peace about it all. . .that whatever the future holds. . .I will be more than okay with.  I want to feel a happiness and a fulfillment that only He can provide.  A happiness and fulfillment that infertility, premature birth and infant loss cannot take from me.  Please let this be your prayer for me and my family and watch God work in my life.  Thank you.

7 comments:

Stacie said...

You know I will be praying for you and I ask you pray for me.

The struggles of infertility have never left my heart either. There are days when the hopes of another baby are far from my mind as I know the blessings I have with Madison are so much more than I deserve. But, then there are those days when I think to how wonderful it would be to have another child. Another child to love and raise. A best friend, playmate and life long relationship for Madison.

I'm not sure what the answers are. I'm scared to take new and scary steps. But, the fear of doing nothing haunts me as well.

I'm praying for my heart and for God's will. Please know I will be doing the same for you.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

It takes so much courage to own what you have written. Thank you for your courage and transparency. At the end of the day every one of us has to struggle with the holes in our heart. May God bless you and keep you.

Catherine W said...

It is such a difficult decision to take for any family. But, for one that has been through infertility, premature birth and the loss of a beloved and longed for baby, it is an agonising one.

I hope that God will grant you peace, whatever you decide. xo

Amanda said...

Guess what!? Since my computer got fried, and I have a new hard drive, your blog works!!! YAY!! I read your post last night.. and I was so touched with the how genuine and real your thoughts were. I know you don't always tell that much information through your blog.. and your feelings..but I know ONE person that was already touched by it.. and said she realted 100%... youre awesome.

Amy said...

Definitely saying a prayer for all of you. Love & God Bless!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through Holli Taylor's blog. I can say, that I 100% relate to this post. I gave birth to my IVF twins at 26 weeks. We lost one of our daughters at 27 days old. Our other daughter just turned two. We had 2 frozen embryos left. My husband was reluctant at first to try with them. To me, those 2 embryos were already our kids. If it worked, I would be thrilled, but if not, I would thank God for the little miracle that I have and be happy. We both agreed we would try and let God make the decision as to what was best. One embryo survived the thaw and I am now 17 weeks pregnant. It is so very scary, but we have complete trust in God. It is difficult. You and your family as well as my family have been through more than any family should ever have to. Just wanted to let you know there are people that understand and support you! If you ever do happen to stumble onto my blog, please don't mention anything IF related. We're not public with that info. Thanks, and best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

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