I Wonder. . .

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have another baby.  What would it be like to carry a baby to term?  What would it be like to take my baby home just days after birth?  What would it be like for Olivia to be a big sister?  How in the world would I ever survive another NICU stay or the loss of another child?  Would it even be possible to get pregnant again after my struggles?  And now with PCOS, diabetes, fatigue, an incompetent cervix and a classical  (vertical) c-section scar. . would I even dare try?  Would it be irresponsible to do so?  Or, would I always regret it if I didn’t?  These questions weigh heavy on my heart.  Almost everyone I know who has given birth prematurely, has gone on to have more children.  Some of the these people faced the same obstacles that stand before me.  Some prevailed. . .some were met with additional heartache.  I thought the pain of infertility was gone, but I’m realizing it never goes away.  Everyone has their own dream of what they want their family to look like.  Infertility robs you of those choices.  Premature birth threatens your dreams.  Losing a child takes away a piece of your heart that you will never get back.  All three of them have made me a person that I don’t want to be.  This is not something that I talk about often.  I hide behind the pretense of not wanting any additional children.  Most of the time, I am just fine.  Olivia is more than I ever dreamed I would have.  I realize what a complete and absolute miracle she is.  And, if I never have any more children, I will be just fine.  With Logan gone. . .even if I had another child. . .my life would still not be complete.  But, maybe some of the feelings of inadequacy or jealousy or hopelessness would ease up.   Please pray for me.  Please ask God to bring me a peace about it all. . .that whatever the future holds. . .I will be more than okay with.  I want to feel a happiness and a fulfillment that only He can provide.  A happiness and fulfillment that infertility, premature birth and infant loss cannot take from me.  Please let this be your prayer for me and my family and watch God work in my life.  Thank you.