Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 Update

Sorry that I haven't gotten a post written until now. I always try to be honest in my posts without delving too far into my personal life. I have just been struggling a bit lately. I am still having problems over Logan's death. I have a fear of losing Olivia and others who mean a lot to me. I am going a little stir crazy because of being cooped up in the house. I haven't really been outside much in months because when Olivia was in the hospital, I went from my garage to the hospital parking garage. I can't get out because public places terrify me. I am afraid of bringing home an illness to Olivia. Plus, I can't hardly bear to be apart from her. I can't spend too much time outside because it's cold and I can't get Olivia out in it. Lack of sleep makes everything a lot worse. Because of all that, I have been struggling and frustrated by not knowing what is wrong. I think everything is catching up to me and I haven't had a chance to really deal with all of it yet. I have decided to get dressed and ready each day even if I don't go anywhere to see if that helps a bit.

Anyway, Rainbows is coming tomorrow afternoon. I believe that it is just to fill out paperwork and then her first evaluation is Feb 6th. I pray that she is developing as she should. I am sure proud of how she's doing. Thanks for listening and your continued prayers.


Anonymous said...

The March of Dimes use to have a support group meeting, for parents of preemies. It is for parents only(no kids) because of the fear of exposure to germs. I know after spending my winter at home I had a hard time readjusting to getting out becuase I had my own little world no one else understood (I didn't know anyone else with a preemie at the time). Also, my dr. (at the same office you take Olivia to) told me I could bundle my 26 weeker(I know that is a big difference from Olivia) for walks as long as I was fine outside, because at her weight 6 lbs at the time(and still 2wks from due date), she should be able to keep her temp up. If you have a stroller that fits her car seat they really never get any wind on them, just pull the visor down. It might really help even if it is a short walk- just bundle her up.
I'm sorry I have no words to help with your grieving of Logan. All I know is you have every right to have your feelings and to deal with your sadness of letting Jesus be the one to hold your Logan instead of you- for now- in your own time and in your own way. And as you do you are finding a special spot for it all so it won't be forgotten nor will it hurt so much.

Anonymous said...

I know there's nothing I can really say to make you feel better, but just know that I am thinking about you! You have been through so much and you don't have to be strong all the time. I hope you can see light at the end of the tunnel. Don't worry about how long it takes you to get there. You will.


Anonymous said...

The feelings you are experiencing are so normal. I think a lot of it is just first time motherhood. I know when Claire was born it was such an adjustment. It was late October so winter had settled in. It was a winter when the flu was extremely bad and was hitting earlier than usual. I was scared to death to take my precious bundle out. I would sit and nurse her and cry and cry. I had a bit of the baby blues. If the weather is warmer, do get out. Claire and I were the only ones walking Sedgwick Co Park in December on warmer days, but who cares. People gave me a hard time because they never actually saw more than Claire's head. I had that car seat cover and never ever opened it! It does get better I promise. Do what you must to protect Olivia and do what you must to ensure your sanity and your health! I will continue to lift you up in prayer!

Julie Hamlett

Anonymous said...

Jodi. taking care of the web blog is not your priority, taking care of you and Olivia is. IF you need some time to heal -TAKE IT! Support groups are great if they meet at a convienent time and with a premie when might that be? I think it may help you to journal privately, I am depressed (or whatever term you feel)because, I had to fight so hard to get pregant, I am depressed because...

I did this after reading Montel Williams book on MS. My few sentences turned into psges and pages, but it was truley healing, I think just realizing it is OK to feel these feelings allow you to better deal with them, in your own time, in your own place. I know it sounds all "new age" and stuff but it is not, it is just acknowlegement and prayer on paper. Please take care of yourself! As always you'll all be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling down, but I hope you take comfort in the fact that those feelings are NORMAL! I also went through some hard emotions during the first 3 months of bringing our son home. I think when you are finally home and have time to think, it all catches up with you on top of the exhaustion of taking care of a special baby. Sometimes I even wondered in the summer if I was going crazy! I don't think the emotions of preemie parents ever go away totally. Just today, my students (I teach part-time) were bugging me about why I don't bring Charlie out to see them or to restaurants or Walmart, etc. They called him a bubble boy and it really bugged me and I started bawling in front of 25 high schoolers!!! The fear of something bad happening and bringing germs into the house is a very real one that a lot of people don't understand!
We'll be keeping you in our prayers!

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine your pain. Your time is not lost with Logan - it's just delayed. He is in Heaven waiting for you. He'll still be the same precious little boy when you get there - waiting for you to rock him. Until then, he can't be in better hands. I know it doesn't take away the pain. God has his plan. Logan is a Saint in heaven - you can pray to him any time.

Olivia is doing wonderful. She is so far ahead of my little ones. I must say that I'm a little jealous.

Keep up the good work. I can't wait to meet you and Olivia in person this summer.


Anonymous said...

"Hibernating" is a very difficult thing, but just know that you are not alone. I would like to invite you to an online community of moms (and dads) of preemies. The website is www.shareyourstory.org. The website is part of the March of Dimes. I've found it to be a great place because most everyone on there completely understands everything I'm going through since they have been there too. I hope things get easier for you. Olivia is so precious. You are a great mom and you are doing such a fantastic job with her.

Julie Stanfill

Miracles said...

I still feel how you do somedays. I think being a parent of a preemie just simply makes you see the world a little different than others. I was just explaining to someone the other day how a simple trip to the grocery store for most people, takes a lot of planning for parents like us. I plan how we go in the store, what to do if someone tries to touch the girl's, how I can keep them from touching things with germs etc..It never ends. Life is forever changed when they come into this world so early.

Take Care,

Sarah said...

You sound like a normal preemie mom. You've had a rough year. I bet it's hard to celebrate the joy of Olivia and mourn the loss of Logan at the same time. Heck, who am I trying to kid? Hard isn't the appropriate word.

I was feeling the exact same way today and I was talking to my old mentor who told me that I simply have to trust that I've been doing exactly what God wanted me to do for the last year. No, He didn't want you to lose Logan or to suffer, but He did want you to be a mom and what you're feeling isn't wrong or bad.

I haven't been doing this much longer than you, and I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I can tell that those early days of no sleep and being couped up and fearful do get a little better.

Anonymous said...

No one knows truly knows your situation, but I hope that you feel the love and support from the people around you. Never forget that you are an amazing person, with a beautiful extraordinary little girl.