Reason for Prayer

These pictures were taken (but never posted) back in February.

I've struggled quite a bit over the last few months with why we pray. To fully comprehend my struggle, you have to understand a few things. I prayed night after night, month after month. . .with my empty arms wide open. . .for God to bless me with a child. I felt ignored. Then, he blessed me with three only to take two away. I felt betrayed.

I remember when Logan and Olivia had their 28 day head sonograms. This would provide insight as to possible brain damage and both of their sonos were clear. The small brain bleed of Logan's had resolved as well. It was nothing short of a miracle. At that moment. . .I had never trusted God more in my life. I felt that He made sure I was at the hospital and he was taking care of my babies. I couldn't handle the stress and the worry anymore and it was a huge burden off my shoulders to give my cares to Him. How could I not trust our Heavenly Father with my children? Of course, He would take care of them. But, a few days later. . .Logan passed away. Honestly, up to that point in my life, I think I was naive enough to believe that trusting in God meant that your life would be made easy. This changed my entire perspective. Throughout it all, my faith did not waver, but I was forced to rethink many things. One such thing was trying to figure out why we pray at all. Well, I found many reasons to pray 1) Because the Bible tells us to 2) To grow in your relationship with God 3) Spiritual growth and the list goes on and on. So, I rethought my question. What I truly wondered was why pray for specific things if God already has a plan? Shouldn't we just pray for God's will? For months I have agonized over this question. I don't expect to truly figure it out as I'm sure our feeble minds have no way to grasp the bigger picture. But, I've needed something to hold on to in order to feel that I can openly pray to God about certain things again. For the first time in 10 months, I have reached some understanding with the help of my husband and sister-in-law, Laura.

The Lord is our Father and we are his children. As a parent, you want your children to talk to you. You want them to tell you their hearts' desires. You want them to point out all of things they want as you're walking through a toy store. In the end, however, you know what is best for them and will ultimately make the decision. Of course, they may not be able to understand why they can't have a pony in their backyard. Their minds don't know the things that you know about them and they can't see the bigger picture. Even though they sometimes don't get the things they want, would you want them to quit talking to you and telling you their wants and desires? I would be heartbroken if Olivia someday said, "I'm not going to tell you anything I want for my birthday because you already have planned what you're going to get me so it won't matter." No, I want to know everything about her and what she dreams of and hopes for. How rewarding it will also be to get her the one thing that she's dreaming about.

I think back to my prayer. I prayed to be a mother and as I stare at my beautiful, sleeping, perfect baby girl. . .that prayer was answered. It didn't happen the way I envisioned and the road was horribly tough, but I'm a mother. There's not a day that goes by that I don't yearn for Logan or to have all three of my babies. That doesn't mean I am not incredibly grateful for my amazing daughter. I believe that there are many things that I'm not meant to understand. I realize that my scenarios may be completely wrong, but I think any circumstance or thought that leads you closer to God is worth having. Thanks for allowing me to share it with you.