Monday, March 7, 2011

I got 70 pages into  my book and I had to stop.  I realized that I can’t continue it. . .at least not right now.  Some days I am no more over my grief than I was three years ago.  I have no revelations to share nor anything to make myself or others feel better.  Losing a child leaves you with a sense of uneasiness that makes complete trust in God difficult sometimes.  It makes you question everything that you ever believed.  A trust in God does not mean trusting that everything will turn out the way you pray for it to.  It means trusting that His plan is what is best. . .even if that means losing your child.  That is hard to do.  So, I walk around every day with huge burdens on my shoulders and completely filled with anxiety.  I worry about Olivia all the time. . .I look for the worst possible scenario in every situation.  I think it’s my futile attempt at protecting myself and my daughter.  I know that I am to cast all of my cares upon the Lord, but every time I attempt to do so. . .it’s as if I say, “But please don’t take away anyone else that I love.”   I’m really struggling with this right now.  But, I’m searching and praying and reading and praying some more in hopes to find peace about it all.

Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw the stars."  -Frederick Langbridge

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of mud.  I’m reading a book called Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment by Linda Dillow.  I want to be content.  I want to come to terms with the fact that I gave birth at 23 weeks.  I want to be okay with the fact that my body can’t become pregnant easily or stay pregnant.   I lost my son and my daughter was robbed of her time in the womb and I want to be content just the same.  Regardless of my circumstances. . .I want to feel God’s peace.  I’m learning that contentment has nothing to do with your circumstances, but with your way of thinking. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

So, that is what I’m trying hard to do.  It’s difficult to write posts such as these. . .it makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable.  I know, however, that some of the blogs I appreciate the most are the ones that exude honesty and vulnerability.  And, this is what my life is like. . .at least for now.