Thursday, June 16, 2011

This is one of those really hard posts to write and I’ve written many of those over the past few years.  Today was going to be the day.  I didn’t know yet how I was going to announce it, but I was finally going to let everyone know. . .that I was pregnant.  Would I post a sonogram picture? Maybe.  Put Olivia in her big sister t shirt? Possibly.  It all still seemed surreal to me.  We tried three years and almost a dozen fertility treatments to achieve my first pregnancy.  This time. . .it was a complete surprise.  What an amazing blessing among the many hardships of life!  God was giving me a second chance at being pregnant and I was so grateful.  I would hopefully be able to experience all that I missed the first time when my pregnancy was cut short.  Olivia was being given another sibling that she could grow up with. . .handpicked by her brother in heaven.  I was due in January.  Life began to make a little sense again.  Until today.

Ryan and I went to my OB appointment in hopes to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  Instead, we learned that we had lost the baby.  I am feeling pretty numb and angry.  Why would God surprise me with a pregnancy only to take it away?    I still struggle with why God gave me Logan only to take him away.   I don’t understand and can’t quite wrap my mind around it all.  I am devastated and heartbroken.  Yet, I am grateful.  I’ll never forget the morning when I got the positive pregnancy test and the joy of sharing it with the few people that we told.  It was such an unexpected and wonderful surprise.  I’ll never forget the belly shots that my husband took of me every Sunday to mark the beginning of another week.  I was just “barely” starting to show.  I’ll never forget my cravings for garlic parmesan buffalo wings. . .I could have eaten them every day.  And, I don’t even like buffalo wings.  I’ll never forget how Olivia would tell people that she was “going to be a big brother.”  She had no idea what was in store for her, but she would have been a great big sister.  Yet again, Olivia will pull us through this deep dark hole we’re in.  Somewhere in the midst of my confusion and anger. . .there is gratitude.  I never took a second of my pregnancy for granted.  I embraced it.  I rejoiced in it and I will forever remember my second pregnancy and all the hopes and dreams it carried.   I have my wonderful husband, my amazing daughter and a God who loves me (even when it feels like He doesn’t.)  I will be okay.

My last belly shot. . .