Monday, Sept 28th, marks eight years since Logan's death. I am a different person than I was before that day.
I used to believe that God would grant your deepest desires if you prayed hard enough. He doesn't. Every experience, whether good or bad, can be used for HIS glory. And, although eight years later, I still don't understand the purpose of losing my son, I trust that there is one. I trust that God's will for my life is better than my own. That is the toughest realization I have ever come to. It sounds easy until God's plan includes taking your only son. But, I have come a long way in accepting it and trusting in Him.
I still miss him every day. I still get angry. I still cry. I'm still overprotective and anxious about my other children. I'm still sad. I'm still exhausted. I'll never be who I was. I wish I could say I was, but I'm not as joyful. I don't laugh as often. I'm not at all carefree. I'm not as fun. And I hate that for my other children. I try every day to be more of the mom that I might have been had I not experienced such a loss. But with each passing year, I find it hard to find her.
But, every year I take this time to be sad and filled with grief. And I give myself permission to do that. When you open your heart to such great love, such as the love of a mother for her child. . .you open yourself up to great loss. And as hard as it was to lose him, I've never wished for him not to be. For he was my Logan, my sweet boy, and I am still blessed to be his mother.
Jodi- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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