Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Olivia and I got haircuts today.  She does fabulous now with getting her hair trimmed.   I’m so proud of the big girl she is becoming.  And, she looks adorable with her new short style. 

Monday, March 8, 2011

Olivia has always had trouble with getting her hands messy.  She usually asks for her hands to be wiped after 10 seconds or so.  This is something we have been working on for some time.  Well, today we finger painted for a long time and she had NO problem getting her hands messy.

[Caught red handed.]

Nor did she have any problem getting her arms messy. . .

or her face messy. . .

or her neck or her hair, etc.

We made such a mess, in fact, that we went straight to the bathtub.

Olivia got such a kick out of the fact that the water turned pink.  LOL.  We had a great afternoon!

Monday, March 7, 2011

I got 70 pages into  my book and I had to stop.  I realized that I can’t continue it. . .at least not right now.  Some days I am no more over my grief than I was three years ago.  I have no revelations to share nor anything to make myself or others feel better.  Losing a child leaves you with a sense of uneasiness that makes complete trust in God difficult sometimes.  It makes you question everything that you ever believed.  A trust in God does not mean trusting that everything will turn out the way you pray for it to.  It means trusting that His plan is what is best. . .even if that means losing your child.  That is hard to do.  So, I walk around every day with huge burdens on my shoulders and completely filled with anxiety.  I worry about Olivia all the time. . .I look for the worst possible scenario in every situation.  I think it’s my futile attempt at protecting myself and my daughter.  I know that I am to cast all of my cares upon the Lord, but every time I attempt to do so. . .it’s as if I say, “But please don’t take away anyone else that I love.”   I’m really struggling with this right now.  But, I’m searching and praying and reading and praying some more in hopes to find peace about it all.

Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw the stars."  -Frederick Langbridge

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of mud.  I’m reading a book called Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment by Linda Dillow.  I want to be content.  I want to come to terms with the fact that I gave birth at 23 weeks.  I want to be okay with the fact that my body can’t become pregnant easily or stay pregnant.   I lost my son and my daughter was robbed of her time in the womb and I want to be content just the same.  Regardless of my circumstances. . .I want to feel God’s peace.  I’m learning that contentment has nothing to do with your circumstances, but with your way of thinking. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

So, that is what I’m trying hard to do.  It’s difficult to write posts such as these. . .it makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable.  I know, however, that some of the blogs I appreciate the most are the ones that exude honesty and vulnerability.  And, this is what my life is like. . .at least for now.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

*This is something that I’ve really needed this week.  Maybe someone else needs to hear it too. 

A Girl and her Kitty

First Annual Playdate-Palooza

This morning, Olivia and I had some friends over for a playdate.  There were 6 mommies, 7 children and my wonderful husband who was off work today and helped out immensely.  I think everyone had a great time.  Do you remember that feeling of anticipation you had as a child when you were waiting for your friends to come over for your birthday party?  That was such a wonderful memory for me and the closest way I can describe my excitement for today.  The kids were all amazing and played together so well.  I was so proud of how well Olivia shared all of her toys.  It’s definitely something I will have to do again in the future.  You are all invited back anytime!

Izzy

Baby Sara

McKenna

Stacie and Madison

Kerrick

Robby

Shawna helping out with the slide.

All of the kids (minus Sara who had already left.)

The mommies (Stacie, Shawna, Me, Jenifer and Shelley)

Oh, and another great thing about today?  This afternoon Ryan, Olivia and I curled up in bed and took a nap all together for the first time ever!  You know how most parents can’t keep their kids OUT of their bed?  Well, we can’t get Olivia into ours as she loves to sleep in her room.  So, it was very special that Olivia was actually willing to sleep with us. It’s not too often that you get to take a nap as a family. . .especially on a Monday.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Olivia had a blast playing at Grandma and Grandpa Sailing’s house today.  She is still talking about all of the fun things that they did.

She colored and drew pretty pictures.

She played with my old dollhouse.

She had great conversations with grandpa.

She enjoyed all of the stuffed animals. . .

. . . and played a great game of hide and seek.  What an amazing day!  And, what did mama do today?  Well, besides running errands, I worked on my book.  Book Update:  70 pages written and I’m well into chapter six.  And, it’s almost 2 am. . .I’d better get to sleep.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

So, I’ve finally decided to write a book about my experiences over the last 3.5 years.  What I’m going to do with the book. . .I don’t know.  It’s mainly a way for me to remember how I got to where I am today and why I’m the way that I am.  Losing a child changes you in ways that I’m only beginning to see.  Maybe it will also help others who are going through similar hardships.  That is my prayer. 

I have a title and am already well into chapter three and have been writing for over 4 hours tonight.  I’m using excerpts from my blog which has made me dive back into the fall of 2007.  That was such a difficult time.  It’s amazing the things that you remember and the things that you forget.  I’m so grateful to have so many things written down.  I (thankfully)remember little about vent settings and oxygen requirements and the day to day NICU life.  I am currently in the middle of writing about the night Logan died and am flooded with emotion.  Please don’t ever forget about my son.  Hopefully, this book will be a way to remember him as well.  Let’s just hope that for the first time in my adult life, I actually finish writing a book. 

School Picture

Not only did she smile, but she posed as well! 

Her conferences tonight went well. . .Olivia is doing very well with school.  We received an interesting tidbit of information that we were unaware of.  She can go to preschool anywhere on this side of town and her therapists will go there to work with her.  Currently, she is in the special education preschool in our school district.  I am happy with her progress so far this year.  I think we will probably go ahead and keep her there, although if any of you know of a great west side preschool, I’d love to hear from you.  I’m concerned that many have already had fall enrollment.  Anyway, she’s doing great and has definitely learned the ropes of preschool.  So proud! 

Trip to Arkansas

Katie, Olivia and Kaleb

Katie and Olivia

Katie

Aidan

Kaleb

The Snyders

Alex

Katie and Aidan

Alex and Olivia

Olivia and Katie

Riding on the trolley

She didn’t have quite enough weight on her to ring the trolley bell. LOL.

*Many thanks to Kim for providing these pictures. 

My Beautiful Olivia Paige

Well, Olivia and I got home from our trip to Arkansas this evening.  (And found that Ryan had painted the hallway along with some other surprises.) We had a wonderful time and I have many pictures to share.  It may take me awhile to go through them all.  This picture, however, is one of my favorites!  I thought you might be missing Olivia’s smiling face.  Enjoy!