Thursday, January 15, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009 - Update

Olivia running down the hall with grandma!
Olivia running out of the bathroom.

First, I just wanted to say thank you to my mother-in-law for everything she did for me today. You are amazing! I needed the rest and I appreciate my husband for convincing me that I did. I'm always honest on here, so I'll just tell you that I've been struggling quite a bit lately. . .depression, fatigue, anxiety. . .you name it, I've probably felt it. No one can seem to help me understand why I have so much trouble getting out of bed. Yes, my adrenal glands are toast and it could take 2 years to heal them. I know that, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Why could I literally sleep 24 hours a day and still be tired? Why do I miss Logan so much some days that I can't stop sobbing? All I've ever wanted to be is a mother and now that I am, I feel too tired to enjoy it. It makes me angry. Every night before I go to bed, I tell myself. . .no matter how tired I am tomorrow, I'm going to fight through it and be energetic for Olivia because she deserves that. And, every morning I wake up in a fog and can barely get through the day. Yesterday when Olivia and I got up from our nap, I had to take an Excedrin and tell Olivia to give me 10 minutes so that I could get up. I hate this. I want to be the best mother that I can be and this isn't it. I would give anything for an ounce of energy. Anyway, if my posts become a bit sporadic or if I don't return my emails as promptly as before. . .you know why.


Kerry said...

I'm so sorry Jodes. I wish there was something I could do. I would give you all I have if I could. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear you're having a rough time! You ARE a good mother! Please don't feel bad for needing to rest. Raising a toddler is exhausting without adding the adrenal problems you have! We will keep you in our prayers and never feel bad for sobbing for Logan! You are always entitled to a good cry over your children!

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, all I can say is "I love you." I can't even say I wish I could empathize because, honestly, I like having energy. I wish I could help somehow. Don't hesitate to call me with requests or just to vent. Remember I am close and can be there quickly.

Granny D said...

Even a the best mother needs a break, it's exhausting taking care of two (you and Olivia) where it use to be just you. I know it is hard for you to leave Olivia but you really should plan one day a week (even just a few hours) to get out of the house. Make it a part of your schedule. It sounds like there are those that would help with Olivia so you could. It's amazing what a couple hours out can do for your energy level. This time of the year is the hardest to be cooped up in the house. In the long run it will be better for all three of you. Hang in there.

abby said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through is natural and the anxiety and depression and waves of feelings of loss that seem to appear out of nowhere are all familiar to me. I hope that a bit of a break helps you rejuvenate. And don't feel bad or be afraid about asking for help. I am so glad to hear that Olivia's grandma is there to help out. Bg hugs.

Kim said...

I would love to help you out with anything that I can. If it wasn't this time of the year, I would steal your girlie for the day and we would just play. (Really...what's one more!) I know that mom would help you whenever she can. You do need to take some breaks and have some YOU time. If you could handle it...a sleepover for Olivia at grandma and grandpa's might help you get some much deserved rest.

Heather @ boy, girl, and a pug said...

Trust me honey, I get the whole no energy thing. Chemo seems to steal the energy too.

I have no great advice. I just try to sleep when I can and I rest while the kids play. It sucks having no energy, but do remember that I feel your pain. I am here if you need to vent. Sometimes it just makes me angry that I don't have the energy to do things that I should be able to do. It can be so frustrating.