Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 - Update

Well, I thought I would send an update earlier today. We’ve been getting home from the hospital late and then we still have to eat dinner. Ryan and I are both pretty down today. Don’t worry, Olivia is doing fine. When Ryan called for the morning update, he found out that the doctor planned to add the extra fortifier/calories to my milk. We had heard that “may” have been what caused them to stop her feedings before. Ryan spoke with the doctor about it and for now they are going to just increase her to full feeds and monitor her weight gain. We don’t want to second guess any of the doctors as we completely understand the need to increase her caloric intake and fully respect their judgments. Most premature babies need these extra calories for the growth and development of their bodies and brains. This entire NICU experience is so difficult. Nobody should have to suffer with infertility. Nobody should have to suffer through the NICU experience. Nobody should have to deal with the loss of their child. Why have I had to suffer through all three? Most days it is just too much. My heart longs for Logan. I constantly yearn for reassurance about Olivia that no one can give me. She means the world to Ryan and me.

I think back to August 9th. . .oh, what a day that was. I had my sonogram and found out the sexes of my twins. I was ecstatic when we found out that we were having a boy and a girl. Everything was going great. Would you believe that I actually felt guilty? It was just so incredibly perfect. My heart broke for all of the people who couldn’t experience the joy that I was feeling. Because everything was progressing so well, we had already purchased two cribs and a double stroller with two car seats. Now, I have to look at them in the nursery everyday, but I just can’t bear to get rid of Logan’s crib or the stroller.

I wish that I could respond to every comment, every card that we receive, every stuffed animal that was given at Logan’s funeral or that was left on our front porch. Please know how much all of that means to us. Ryan and I look forward to it every day. Thank you all so much for helping us through this difficult time.

7 comments:

23wktwins'mommy said...

This post made me cry.
I can relate to a lot of what you have said here. I too was so excited to learn we were having a boy and a girl. I too bought the double stroller and the two cribs before the fateful day I discovered I was in preterm labor at only 23.2 weeks gestation.
Going into the nursery while the twins were in such critical condition was sometimes too much, and I would have to close the door; other times I would go in and cry and cry and cry while holding their clothes and stuffed animals that had already been purchased.
I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are so right, no one should have to deal with everything you are dealing with. It's been over a year and the pain, fear, and panic of everything we experienced feels like it was just yesterday.
Please know you are in so many prayers, and know that you are not alone. We are here for you.

23 Weekers said...

Jodi,

Thank you for the nice post. I would love to sit down and visit with you. We were sent to the PICU instead of the NICU. Dr. Lang thought this would be a better place for our babies since they are now older. I'm really struggling with the PICU and would have preferred the NICU or Special Care to the PICU. Please know that you are in the best hands possible. Little Olivia will be home before you know it. Olivia has already climbed some of the largest mountains - there are only hills left. She's doing fabulous. Please keep your faith and always remain positive.

Shanon Woolley (Kinnick and Carver's mommy)

Anonymous said...

I can not imagine what you are going through, but I hope you know that you are constantly in my thoughts. You and Ryan have gone through so much and my heart truly longs for your happiness. You are amazing people and I wish the very best for you. We love you Jodi and Ryan!
Marilee

Miracles said...

This post made me cry too!!
There are so many "unknowns" when they are in the NICU. I remember doctors & nurses telling me all the time that one day all of it would become a complete blur. Two years later it is still very fresh in my mind. Even this morning as I went in to wake my girl's up I didn't see the two year olds that they are today, I saw them as little babies lying in their issolettes. I think like everything else in life certain things take time to pass, but for a parent of a preemie it is an experience that lasts a lifetime. I still have emotions two years later that are just surfacing now. I can't explain it to anyone who hasn't gone down the preemie road. It's just so unexplainable to a parent who was able to go home with their baby after a few days in hospital.

My one twin was taken off of her fortifyer as well after being on it for only two days. The docs waited another week before they started her again. She just wasn't ready for it. Everything was still too immature for her to handle it.

Hang in there and know that this is such a lonely journey but you are NOT alone at all.

Anonymous said...

I will never understand Jodi! You are in my heart and prayers daily! You have been put thru the ringer on several occasions, and yet you prevail and remain strong. I hate it that you and Ryan are wonderful people who so deserve your precious little family but have gone thru so much these past years! Little Logan was sent here for a reason, we may never understand why he was taken so early. He will NEVER be forgotten. I know all you want is to be a mother, holding your little girl. One day Jodi....one Day before you know Olivia will be with you at home! Getting into your make up and more! I can't wait for her release date. I hope this cold/flu season will be easy on her. RSV is no fun, Gannon had it twice when he was 9 months. I hope you know Cale and I are thinking of you and Ryan. Olivia is precious and has an amazing story to tell!!! I personally can't wait to watch her grow. Its hard to believe Jodi our little girls are so close in age. I hope they can become friends one day. God bless you and keep you close to his heart. Try to remain strong for that little girl. I have added you to my prayer group on facebook. I hope you don't mind. I figured your precious family could use all the prayers you can get. We are praying for a miracle! Love you so Much Jodi!
Sherri,Cale,Gannon,and Elise Warden

Anonymous said...

Ryan and Jodi,
I cried too!!
I agree with all the posts befor mine, you nor anybody deserves this. I know that I'm not yet a mother, but you always keep saying that, that's all you want to be. So I know that even though it may require getting your hands dirty, it's all worth it in the end. So now more than ever I've been wanting to experience that 'mother-ly' feeling. And have the 'I need you' feeling that Olivia has for her parents. And I know she feels it. Even though she can't say it, I know she's communicating to you in the most precious way, by touch. Everytime you hold her, I'm sure you get this rush of adrineline that goes right into your heart and you just want to say "Thanks for the help. I'll take her home now."
Ugh, Wow! If only that were the real case. But, being the wonderful parents you are, as you hold her you really say "Take your time. I will love you no matter what size you are, how much you eat, and what you look like. I will always love you."
(This is making me cry too)
Jodi, nobody realizes, and I know I don't, the love that you carry everyday when you walk through those NICU doors. Nobody really knows how you feel at the end of the day. And I know that sometimes there really isn't that 'one thing' someone could say to make everything be better.
Except God.
He really does know, how you feel, what you're going through and what to say.
(poem, maybe, I don't know what to call it.)
He's putting you through this for some reason, he picked you. And he's gonna help you out of it if you believe, and I know you do. So don't be afraid, don't shed a tear, He's right there with you, and He's keeping you near. Close to his heart, He's helping you fight your fears. He's right beside you everyday, and helps me say what I say everyday.
Thank you for giving me the strength to get up and face the high school challenges. I know that they don't come close to comparison with yours, but these finals make me wanna ScReAm!!! Your families have never left my mind and my heart. I LOVE YOU ALL!
Stay Strong,
Shea

Shannon said...

I don't really know what to say without repeating what everyone else has already said. I pray for Olivia and hope that she continues to be strong, fight and overcome whatever challenges are in front of her.

My son spent 227 days in the NICU before coming home and I NEVER thought the day would come. Now I look back and can't believe how distant it all seems to me!!!

Keep up the hard work Olivia!