Monday, January 7, 2008

Monday, January 7, 2008 - Update

Sleeping Baby Bear

Olivia and I were able to go on another stroller ride today. I can’t get enough of this 60 degree weather. I don’t think she made it to the end of the driveway before she fell fast asleep. Unfortunately, the cold weather is coming back tomorrow.

Some days it seems I just stare at Olivia in amazement and can’t believe she is really mine. It took me awhile for my pregnancy to really sink in. I couldn’t believe that I finally got pregnant. When you give birth at 23 weeks, your baby doesn’t cry. . .at least Olivia didn’t. A roomful of people and you’ve never heard such deafening silence. I only caught her moving out of the corner of my eye before they whisked her away. I thought I had lost her. After Logan died, I thought I had lost her again. There is something about losing a child that leaves you with a sense of uneasiness. If something so awful can happen to you once in this life, you start to think anything can happen. It’s an uneasiness that I don’t think will ever go away. God doesn’t ever guarantee that our lives will be easy. He never guarantees our life on earth, but for those who believe in Him. . .He gives us the promise of eternity.


Anonymous said...

Wow! Your update is exactly what we discussed in Sunday school yesterday. They had me give my testimony and even though we've never lost a child, I understand completely what you were saying about not being guaranteed an easy life and having that feeling of uneasiness. I have really learned the fear of the Lord through having a micropreemie. And even though I know God loves us and we have the promise of eternity, I still wrestle with the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen in this life. Thank you for posting with such honesty.

Anonymous said...

Jodi, that's beautiful. You are so right. And oh my goodness, you have such a way with words. God doesn't gurantee us anything, so live everyday to its fullest. Go to bed with no regrets. You've really opened my eyes just now...
It makes me sad that you won't be able to enjoy the outdoors anymore. I finally got to jump on my trampoline! I was really excited!
We have a family friend who works in a hospital and she said that whenever I was free, she would let me watch her and kinda help out. After keeping up with the blog, I have taken an interest in maybe being a nurse in the NICU or something that would involve kids. She also said that she has been going non-stop because of RSV season and that the waiting room had been hopin' I was estatic that she would let me and she will be hearing from me soon.
Think of you all the time!
Stay Strong,

Anonymous said...

Jodi and Ryan,
you both continue to amaze me! I love you guys!

23 Weekers said...

I found this poem and wanted to share...

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
(Adapted from Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. "Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Marjorie Forrest, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles.

"A mirror will suffice."

Shanon Woolley

Granny D said...

The feelings of losing a child mellow after the years, but they never go away. I lost my first child and agonized over the next two. Now they are grown women and one of them has blessed me with my first grandchild this last February. I couldn't believe the panic and anxiety that came over me when I walked into the hospital room to see my daughter lying in that bed with an oxygen mask on and going through child birth. It all came back in a flood. But you are right, the good Lord blesses us through everything we endure on this earth and I cannot put into words the blessing this beautiful child has brought me. You will never forget the one that is gone and each birthday will bring a yearning to know that others remember that day as well as you. Olivia is your blessing and someday maybe she will make you as happy a grandma as mine has made me.

Anonymous said...

The writings of Erma Bombeck have always been inspiring to me and I'm so glad Shanon shared this one with us on the blog -- so much of it really does fit what I've come to know about Jodi.

God has truly blessed all three of you with each other. Hugs...Shelly K.

Anonymous said...

It has been awhile since I cried at the blog. I think that will be your new nickname, St. Jodi :)

Kellars Mommy said...

Losing a child is something that one can never truly get past..I lost my 1st ds Cameron at 20 wks and I thought I'd never breathe again..You are right, no one is promised tomorrow but those that believe and follow him will have eternal life..When Kellar was in the NICU I had such an enormous fear that he wouldn't come home with me, and when he did I like you just sat and stared at him in amazement that he was mine..God has truly blessed both of our little ones and our angels are probably running and playing together in Heaven where they know nothing of prematurity, they know no pain but they will always know the love that we have for them..