Monday, May 19, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008 - Update

My week didn't get off to a very good start as it began with an emergency trip to the vet. My rat (Olivia the rat) was bleeding. . .profusely from her "lady parts," as my husband said. Of course, she was happily slurping up her strawberry Ensure as she was bleeding all over the place. Thank goodness we have a "back up" vet because our primary one wasn't in and his partner doesn't know anything about rats or guinea pigs. It is believed that Olivia the rat had a uterine tumor that ruptured. All signs point towards possible cancer somewhere in the reproductive system. Invasive surgery for a 2 year old rat would be very hard on her. I just want to make her as comfortable and happy as I can for as long as she's here with me. I worry about losing one rat before the other. . .they are inseparable. . .more so than any of the guinea pigs. They sleep together, groom each other, play with each other, fight with each other, etc. Our back up vet doesn't know anything about what has happened in our lives over the past year and I didn't mention anything. When she told me that my sweet rat most likely had cancer, I think she was expecting me to break down. I felt like saying. . ."You have no idea what I've had to endure. Some things just don't phase me as much anymore." Don't get me wrong, I'm still heart broken over the fact that my rat probably won't be with me that much longer. . .things are just different.

Sometimes I wonder if there is still any resemblance to the person that I used to be. . .before I gave birth at 23 weeks. . .before I watched my babies fighting for their lives. . .before I lost my son. . .before I waited 105 days to take my daughter home. . .before I lived in constant fear of the repercussions of such an early birth. Truth is, I'm not the same person. I don't know if I'm better or worse. I'm a bit more bitter, solemn, angry and sad some days. Some days I'm so grateful for witnessing one of God's great miracles. Yet, I question why I couldn't have witnessed two miracles. Some days I just don't know how I feel.


Heather said...

Sorry to hear about Olivia the rat. I know it's hard to lose a pet (even if it is rat:)
When you were descriping yourself you forgot to add in that you are a stronger person also. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met. God knew what you would be able to handle. My mom and I were talking the other day about how far you, Ryan, and Olivia have come and we both agreed that God wouldn't have forced you guys to endure everything if you couldn't handle it. I don't think I could have done it. I would have totally lost it and look at you. Look at how wonderful you are and how wonderful Olivia is. I feel so very blessed to have become friends with you and have (somewhat) walked this journey with your family. Thank you for sharing so much with all of us. We are all grateful.

Anonymous said...

Heather is right, you are a stronger person. As a micropreemie parent myself though, I understand how you may say to yourself you'd rather be a weaker person and not have had to endure such hardship in your life!! I also think that God DOES give us more than we can handle at times. However, He does not give us more than HE can handle. We will keep praying for healing and peace for you!

Avery's Nonna said...

I understand. Things like a baby making his journey to heaven, and one being born so incredibly tiny do change the way you think about so many things in life. Witnessing a miracle is awesome and knowing and seeing Gods power for you and yours is amazing. It does however certainly make you think about what it was that instigated this miracle for this baby and chose for another to end his journey before it really began. Questions arise and yet we have to know that God knows all and it is He who is in control. I am so incredibly thankful for our little miracle that we are enjoying now, and I will always think sweetly of our little man that we never got to meet.