Monday, September 22, 2008 - Update

I can't believe that this week marks the last week that I was able to spend with Logan. . .just one year ago. There has been a part of me over the last 12 months that has wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out. There has been another part of me, a bigger part, I guess, that could never shake my commitment to my husband. . .for better or worse. I think this was the "worse" part that they were talking about. I interpret that commitment to be not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. He has needed me as much as I have needed him. And then. . .there was Olivia. If God would allow her to stay here with me, I would be the best mother that I could possibly be. That was not a mother in a dark hole somewhere. So, I fought and fought and fought and no matter how much I missed Logan and mourned for him, I had to take care of his sister. Olivia deserves that and so much more. Here we are almost a year later. I still fight the urge to give up and surrender to that overwhelming sense of loss, but I realize that the sadness will never win. I see too much joy in my daughter's eyes, in her smile, in her laugh, in her love for life. She continues to pull Ryan and I through and remains to be the strongest person I've ever met. Thank you, Olivia, for being the most amazing person in the world.