Constant Reminders

I've been doing really good lately. I remember times when I literally couldn't leave the house. It was so tough to watch other people carrying on with their lives when mine was falling apart. I wanted to scream, "Don't you know that I lost my son and my daughter is fighting for her life!" It was difficult to even go to the grocery store. I am much better about things like that and can find many joys in my life. There are constant reminders, however, of what I lost. One, for instance, happened yesterday.

I was leaving a store with Olivia and trying to finagle my way out of the doors with a stroller. I don't know why every store doesn't have automatic doors. Anyway, a kind lady came rushing up and held the door open for me. She smiled and said, "I remember those days. And I had twins, if you can imagine that." I smiled graciously and walked away with tears in my eyes. This sweet lady had no idea that her words would stab me right in the heart. Of course, I know what it's like to carry twins, to experience love multiplied, to give birth to twins. I don't know what it's like to raise twins or push them in a stroller or hold them both in my arms. I'll never know. Constant reminders are around me every time I see a boy Olivia's age. Every time I look at toys or clothes for little boys. Every time I hear someone call out "Logan!" Every time I see boy/girl twins. . .and it will break my heart every time. But, I am also reminded of the miracle that I have and the sweet little boy who is waiting for me in heaven and my heart is pieced back together.