2 am Ramblings

Some days I really really miss my son.  I have no idea what it’s like to raise a boy.  And I had a son, he was here. . .and he slipped away.  The other evening, I was cooking dinner and Ryan was working.  I went in to check on Olivia in her room and she told me, “I really want someone to play with me.”  And my heart broke.  One, because I felt bad that we were both occupied at the time.  And also because she's a twin, which should pretty much always guarantee a companion.  But, she doesn’t have that. 

I am also reminded of the baby I carried earlier this year.  Had I not miscarried. . .that baby would have been born next month.  That would have been a blessing to all of us. . .like a child handpicked by Logan himself.  Olivia and I like to play this role reversal game where she’s the mama and I’m the baby.  She gently pats me on the back and calls me sweetie and when I cry she frantically tries to find ways to calm me down.  It’s honestly such a great way for her to express her nurturing side since she doesn’t care much for dolls.  And in those times, I see her with a little brother or sister and she would be so sweet.  I want those pictures of the older sibling doting on a  newborn baby.  I don’t, however, think anything could ever completely fill this huge whole in my heart.  It’s been over 4 years and people expect me to be over this by now.  I’ll never get over it as long as I live.  And that simple fact is overwhelming to me.  There’s no point at which it will get better.  As Olivia gets older, not only will I grieve for myself but for her too as she learns about the twin brother she never knew.  How heartbreaking is that going to be for her when she truly understands it?

I don’t know what has come over me tonight.  It could be my friend losing her daughter last week or the fact that I visited Logan today.  Or that I’m creating Olivia and Logan’s NICU photo book.  Usually I can pretty much hold it together and if I can’t. . .I can usually refrain from writing about it.  But, just like when I was going through years of infertility. . .I continue to pray for peace in my heart.  That’s all I really want.  It’s hard to pray for specific things if it is not God’s will.  But, I’m blessed. . .I’m so blessed.  It’s hard sometimes to understand how a God who loves me so much that he blessed me with my wonderful daughter is the same God who took my son away.  It’s hard to see God as all-powerful and all loving at the same time.  But, He is and He loves me and you and you and you.  I just need reminding of that from time to time.  And then a wash of gratitude comes over me and I feel guilty that even for a second I wasn’t content with what I have.  But, that yearning for my son is still there and I’m hoping peace and contentment will at least partly fill that hole in my heart.  At least until the day that I see him again.