Saturday, December 22, 2007

Friday, December 21, 2007 - Update

Olivia met Great-Grandma Glunt for the first time.

Olivia's first snuggle with Aunt Kim.

I have been thinking a lot about Logan today and have just broken down into tears. Sometimes I try to push him to the back of my mind and then I feel guilty about doing so. I mean. . Olivia shouldn’t have a mom who is sad all of the time. But, sometimes I just miss him so much. I wonder what he would be like right now and I realize that I will always think that. As Olivia grows older and experiences every milestone in life. . .I’ll wonder what it would have been like for Logan. I still love him so much. At the same time, there is never a second where I am not grateful that I have my Olivia. I feel selfish sometimes for wanting to have them both. These emotions I feel everyday. . . .I just try to suppress them most of the time.

We did start Olivia on a 4 hour / ad lib feeding overnight. We want her to wake up on her own when she’s hungry. So far, we’ve had mixed results. . .we’ll see if we are able to keep up her calorie count. Usually at night, I stay up with her after her 10 pm feeding for quite awhile. We watch Nick@Nite together (don’t worry, as soon as she’s old enough to realize that she has a t.v. in her room. . .we are going to take it out. It’s just easier to move the t.v. into her room than to move her out of her room.) I’m sure pretty soon, however, she’ll be singing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air song. Anyway, last night she went right to sleep at 10:30 pm and I put her back in her crib. You’d think that I would have relished the idea of going to sleep early, but I just sat in the recliner and waited for her to wake up. Finally at about 1:45 in the morning, I heard her stirring and couldn’t wait to get her up. Yes, I know. . .pretty weird. She likes to climb up my chest so that her head is nestled right under my chin. As much as I can’t wait to watch her grow up, I just treasure her right now as a baby.


Don said...

Hey everyone.....Jodi's Dad here. Well, we're in the house this Saturday morning...we're enjoying near blizzard conditions outside...Mrs. Sailing and I are wrapping gifts, and listening to all our favorite Christmas music. I asked Pat if we could make some chocolate chip cookies!!?? We don't have any...and it's too nasty to go to Dillons just for, I decided to take a break and check the many of us say that everyday..."I'm gonna check the blog!" After gazing at my beautiful GRAND daughters, Izzy and Olivia, I'm feeling "warm and fuzzy" today. A few minutes ago, I listened to Celine Dion sing "Oh Holy Night", and some of the lyrics came to mind:
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn

Of course, the lyrics are about the Christ-child....the Savior of the world. But, to me this Christmas, after all our families have endured these past several months, the "thrill of hope" is Olivia. "The weary world" is rejoicing in her her survival. I too, am still grieving over the loss of Logan...I'll never know the reason he couldn't be with us. But,I rejoice in Jodi's happiness!
I look ahead to "a new and glorious morn" family, my wife, my children and their's my prayer that the new year coming will be that new and glorious morn!
But, right now I'd better get back to wrapping presents......Merry Christmas to all you blog-readers!!

Miracles said...

Oh Jodi, never feel guilty or selfish. You are entilted to feel that way. Logan will always be your son no matter where he is. I do not know the pain of losing a child but I feel your pain through your words of him.

If you need to cry you go right ahead, but never feel guilty for it.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year!

Anonymous said...

Jodi, please don't feel bad. You have every right in the world to feel sad and angry. As much as you want him back, just know that where he is, it is so much better.
Keep the pictures coming! She looks so adorable! I can see why you are taking some special time to cuddle!
I'm glad that her first Christmas will be memorable, as all are, but Livi's is special.
Jodi and Ryan, know that this is the time for cheer. While I understand it's hard, I'm sure it's harder to stay happy. But, just make the thoughts and memories of Logan, happy ones. He's watching over you and celebrating your victories with Olivia as well.
I hope the rest of your Christmases will be Merry! And I will get Livi's gift to you, the next Sunday I see you.
Love you all and Merry Christmas!
Stay Strong,

p.s. Grandpa Don, I do actually say with great joy, "I'm gonna check the blog" and I try to do it as much as possible.

p.p.s Kim, I'm so jealous of you that you got to hold Livi!!

'God bless us, everyone!'