Saturday, February 2, 2008

Saturday, February 2, 2008 - Update

Lately I have found myself full of such frustration and anger. It's sometimes over a news story about another child killed at the hands of their parents or somebody's opinion about the gestational age at which a child should be saved. I also read about a "breakthrough" study that suggested premature birth could be prevented by taking folic acid. Maybe it can prevent some, but I took folic acid every day for years before I ever got pregnant and I'm still taking it today. I also get frustrated wondering if I should have described my symptoms better. Are cervical lengths routinely measured during an ultrasound? If not, should they be? What I've realized is that. . .I have to let it go. Nobody predicted my premature delivery because it happens in less than 1% of the population. I can't let all of these emotions build up inside of me. All I need to do is love and take care of my daughter that God so graciously let me keep. Sometimes I still see her lying so fragile and bruised in her isolette. That was such a difficult time. You know how all of us would do anything to save those that we love? Throughout all of this, I've learned that sometimes that isn't enough. I would have done anything to save Logan and yet all I could do was stand there and watch him. It didn't matter that I wanted my son more than anything in the world or that I tried so hard for him. Not everyone who is sick gets better. That realization is so unsettling to me and one of the reasons that Ryan and I protect Olivia so much. I refuse to see her lying in a hospital bed again. I know that over time these feelings of anger and frustration will lessen, but they sure have been taking a toll on me lately.


abby said...

I totally know where you are coming from. To this day--and I suspect forever--we will never know why this happened, and living with this big question mark--especially because we've lost one of our children--makes this excruciating. I resent that this is turned into one of those "if only they had done this (fill in the blank), this would never have happened" sorts of equations. There's nothing that we--or the other select 1% (for it feels like we know everyone out there who has been through this, while sadly we don't)--didn't do to have a positive outcome. The other mothers I have gotten to know--been blessed to know, really--over the past 20 months have wanted nothing more than to take good care of their babies, inside and outside. They did all the right things and still this happened. I wish that there WERE an easy answer, because then we could prevent so much trauma, and so much suffering, for so many families.

Meanwhile I guess we need merely to learn to live with the uncertainty and hope that over time we (the broader world) can figure out how to prevent this, or at least how to improve our kiddos' outcomes.

And yes, there is no simple answer to the gestational age when things become better for our children. We have spent so much time thinking about this vis-a-vis Hallie and Olivia and their very different outcomes (this being a vast understatement). They were twins, after all. Should they not have both fared well? Looking at Hallie sometimes, as she plays with her toys and frolics with us, we are reminded of this question which we'll always carry with us. There is no reason why she did well and Olivia did not any more than there is a reason why your Olivia did well and Logan did not, or why there are 35 weekers out there who are not doing as well as our 23 weekers. There's so much uncertainty here, and as human beings (mistaken as this might be), we strive to understand WHY and I guess the most profound, and yet disempowering feeling of all, is that there is no good explanation much as we seek one.

I hope that you and Ryan and Olivia are at peace tonight and that all is well in your world.

Anonymous said...

Jodi, Jodi, Jodi, you just break my heart. I know being women of faith we want to say and do just the right thing, while at the same time feeling like bopping God upside the head and asking why. I believe your gift of expressing your feelings so openingly and beautifully are helping more people who are stuggling with faith than you will ever know. While it doesn't make it any easier for you now, I know you will have great reawards in his kingdom.