Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Their Birth Story Part III

When I woke up, I was in a room surrounded by most of our family along with our pastor. I wasn't quite coherent, but I needed to know how my babies were doing. I guess I just kept muttering, "My babies. . .my babies. . .my babies." I would stop as Ryan would explain it to me and then I'd just continue muttering. . "my babies. . .my babies."

Logan William was born by emergency c-section on August 27, 2007 at 6:28 pm, just 10 minutes after his big sister. He weighed 1 lb 1.75 oz and was 11.5 inches long. He, too, was bruised pretty badly, but his skin seemed to be a little more developed than Olivia's. I was unable to see him until later that night/early morning when they wheeled me into the NICU. I remember seeing Logan, but I don't remember seeing Olivia. I was still pretty drugged up.

Many people came to see me in the hospital before I went home three days later. I think it was hard for people. . .they didn't quite know whether to congratulate us or tell us that they were sorry. I didn't quite know what I wanted to hear. It was very difficult to leave the hospital without my babies. I would still pat my stomach and then remember that they weren't there, but they weren't in my arms either.

I don't know why it helps me to tell this story. The more times I tell it, the more my anger lessens. The anger starts to turn into gratitude. I gradually stop wondering "what if" or "if only." I'm grateful for the things that went right. I'm grateful that I was able to spend 1 month and 1 day with my beautiful boy, although I'll never stop missing him. I'm so grateful for Olivia. . .I can't even begin to describe what she means to me. Telling this story reminds me of how far she's come and what an amazing little girl she is. Olivia is what got us through and proof that our Lord is merciful and good. Somedays, I feel that I have had so much taken away from me. . . a full term pregnancy, a joyous birth, a son that I'll never know. But, one thing that will always remain is a heart full of thankfulness for the joys that I do have. That can never be taken away.

A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future. ~Author Unknown


Julia said...

Oh, what a wonderful quote about a daughter! And how true it has been for Joel and I. Your spirit of gratitude shines through your words. We love you.

Anonymous said...

It is true that sharing your story can be healing. I have found the same thing. Thank you for sharing. I have to tell you, I thought the EXACT same thing about delivery- I even told the nurse, I haven't read this part in the book yet. I can't have this baby! This week I heard a story about our hairdressers niece who was born a micro preemie in another state. (Pray for Max) The stories I've heard about that little one's care have made me SO grateful we had our baby here at Wesley! There is a lot to be thankful for the Thanksgiving!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I meant nephew- Max... Please keep him in your prayers

RyanAndrew2007 said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story.