I Wonder. . .

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have another baby.  What would it be like to carry a baby to term?  What would it be like to take my baby home just days after birth?  What would it be like for Olivia to be a big sister?  How in the world would I ever survive another NICU stay or the loss of another child?  Would it even be possible to get pregnant again after my struggles?  And now with PCOS, diabetes, fatigue, an incompetent cervix and a classical  (vertical) c-section scar. . would I even dare try?  Would it be irresponsible to do so?  Or, would I always regret it if I didn’t?  These questions weigh heavy on my heart.  Almost everyone I know who has given birth prematurely, has gone on to have more children.  Some of the these people faced the same obstacles that stand before me.  Some prevailed. . .some were met with additional heartache.  I thought the pain of infertility was gone, but I’m realizing it never goes away.  Everyone has their own dream of what they want their family to look like.  Infertility robs you of those choices.  Premature birth threatens your dreams.  Losing a child takes away a piece of your heart that you will never get back.  All three of them have made me a person that I don’t want to be.  This is not something that I talk about often.  I hide behind the pretense of not wanting any additional children.  Most of the time, I am just fine.  Olivia is more than I ever dreamed I would have.  I realize what a complete and absolute miracle she is.  And, if I never have any more children, I will be just fine.  With Logan gone. . .even if I had another child. . .my life would still not be complete.  But, maybe some of the feelings of inadequacy or jealousy or hopelessness would ease up.   Please pray for me.  Please ask God to bring me a peace about it all. . .that whatever the future holds. . .I will be more than okay with.  I want to feel a happiness and a fulfillment that only He can provide.  A happiness and fulfillment that infertility, premature birth and infant loss cannot take from me.  Please let this be your prayer for me and my family and watch God work in my life.  Thank you.

Friday, February 11, 2011

 

Are you as ready for spring as we are?

We have had so much snow lately. . .it’s getting a little old.  I can’t wait for warmer weather.  I don’t remember a time when schools have been closed so often for snow days.  A few months ago, I saw a snowsuit on clearance at Target and just about bought it.  But, I thought, “How often would she wear it?  Maybe once?”  Too bad I didn’t get it.  She could have worn it once. . . .a week!  This next week brings 60 degree weather and I’m so excited.  Olivia, however, might actually prefer the snow.

Snow Day!

Olivia and I took advantage of all this snow and went outside to play in it.  We walked out the front steps and the snow was almost up to Olivia’s waist!  We got a lot of snow. . .over a foot in some places!  Olivia had a blast, even though she wanted to play in it a lot longer. 

Afterwards, she took a nice, hot bath.  Now, we just need to make some hot chocolate!  Hmm. . I wonder if I have any. . .

March for Babies

The March for Babies is fast approaching.  I just wanted to thank all of you for your continued support of our family and ask if you would consider donating to the Olivia and Logan Team.  To do so, just click on the March of Dimes banner to your right.  You can also send your donations directly to me if you wish to pay with cash or check.  Email me at jsail63@hotmail.com for my address.  You can also sign up to walk on our team by clicking the banner as well.  Whether you’ve walked in previous years or if you never have. . .we’d LOVE to have you! 

Saturday, April 16th at 9:00 am

300 N. McLean Blvd  Wichita, KS  67203

If you haven’t already, please let me know by March 1st if you would like a team t shirt this year!  They will be available for $10 for those who would like them. . .with a special promotion for those who purchased t shirts two years ago and plan to walk with us again.  We really hope to see some of you there!  Thanks again for helping!

Rejection

Sometimes it’s a good thing. . .especially when it means you won’t have to serve on a jury for a case that was slated to last longer than a week.  Now, don’t get me wrong. .I feel that being a juror is a great responsibility and is immensely important.  At this point in my life, however, it is not something that I wanted to do.  After spending ALL day in a courtroom, I was beyond thrilled to learn that I was not chosen to be on the jury.  Over 17 years ago, I was robbed at gunpoint and I think I have that experience to thank.  Who knew it would someday come in handy?  Now, I can go back to my normal life spending time with my sweet little girl.  Whew!

Reunion

An old friend of mine is in town this week, so a bunch of us from high school held a mini-reunion on Saturday night.  It had been over 15 years since I’d seen some of my old friends, which is really silly since most of us still live in town.  I forgot how much I missed some of my old friends.  It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed introducing Ryan to everyone.  We are definitely going to need to get together more often. . .or at least before another 15 years passes.  

Friday, February 4, 2011

So, today we had quite a scary occurrence.  First off, I’ll start by saying that Olivia has a cold with a bit of a cough.  She was eating popcorn (because they had popcorn on Veggie Tales and she had to have some.)  Sometimes when you cough, you inhale beforehand and when she did, she inhaled a piece of popcorn.   Thankfully, she was crying and coughing, so I knew that her breathing wasn’t restricted.  She was in great distress, though.  I tried to remember my CPR training from when Olivia was an infant and helped her get it out.  The popcorn piece flew out just like you see on the movies.  The whole ordeal probably only lasted 10 seconds, but it seemed so long at the time.  Afterwards, she threw up and felt much better after that.  Wow, it was scary.  So, I started doing some additional research on the Heimlich maneuver and have found multiple sites tell you different things.  Fortunately, you don’t have to perform it unless the person can’t cry or cough and isn’t breathing. This was not the case with Olivia as she cried the whole time.  I think it would be a good idea for all of us to review these guidelines because you never know when something like that could happen.  I am trusting the Heimlich Institute website, but for those of you skilled in this area, any suggestions or guidance would be appreciated.  They state something different from what I was taught which was to turn the child face down and thrust with the bottom of your palm.  I’m still pretty shook up about the whole thing.

The Heimlich Maneuver

Anyway, other than that. . .our day went pretty well.  I am now the room parent for Olivia’s classroom since they have not had one all year.  That means I have a Valentines Day party to plan.  I’m a bit nervous as I have never done anything like this before.  All I really have to come up with are snacks, take home gifts, and decorations.  I got a cute idea from my sister-in-law, Shelley, that we are going to make next week.  They are pink heart shaped rice krispie treats on a stick.  How cute does that sound?  If anyone has any other cute ideas. . .I’d love to hear them!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My dear friend, Amanda, sent me a prayer journal for my birthday. (She’s always doing unbelievably thoughtful and caring things.)  I have actually been meaning to start one for some time, so I’m excited to begin.  I’m always very honest in my postings on the blog, but there are still some things that I can’t talk about.    Things that worry me immensely. . .things that I need to ask God to take care of.  Some days it seems there are burdens too heavy to bear on my shoulders alone.  So, I look forward to seeing God work in my life and look back at the prayers He has answered.

In other news, I have a high school band reunion on Saturday.  I’ve never gone to any of my high school reunions.  About 90% of my friends were in band which meant they weren’t necessarily in my grade.  (I played the flute and bassoon for those who didn’t know.)  I will get to see many of my old friends that I haven’t seen in 15+ years. . .and I am in braces.  Great.  I guess it will be just like I’m in high school again.  LOL.  It should be quite the trip down memory lane, though, and I’m looking forward to it.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Olivia had another eye appointment today.  She is a candidate for a second eye surgery, but we’re going to hold off just a bit (assuming her eyes remain stable.)  She will probably, however, have another eye surgery before she starts kindergarten.  It may or may not improve her strabismus. . .that’s the frustrating part.  But, the big news of the day was what a big girl she was at the eye doctor!!  She didn’t even want mama to sit with her in the chair!  She sat all by herself, talked to the doctor and cooperated 100%.  It was amazing!  Who is this girl that now loves haircuts and eye doctor appointments?  What an answer to prayer!  She acted like she was an. . . .8 year old sitting there so maturely.  Amazing!

Here she is eating snacks and patiently waiting for the doctor to come in.  We’ve gone from having 3+ people holding her down for an examination to sitting in the chair by herself!  Sorry. . .I just can’t get over it.  Olivia brought her stuffed ducky along and I heard her later in the day saying, “I’m just so proud of you ducky.  You did so well at the eye doctor!”  Hmm. . .I wonder how many times I told her I was proud of her today. LOL.

Vroom Vroom

Saturday, January 29, 2011

With my birthday fast approaching, we celebrated with my family today.  No matter how old I get (and I’m getting quite old) my mom still gets me a birthday cake.  I chose carrot cake this year. . .yum! 

Olivia helped blow out the candles.

Her shirt says “I always feel Olivia-ish.”

She will always remain one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. 

Jury Notice

The other day, I went to the mail box and there it was. . .a jury summons.  As I began to curse under my breath, I remembered. . .jury duty helped save Olivia’s life.  How is that, you ask?  Many of you already know the story, but Ryan had jury duty on August 27, 2007. . .the day Olivia and Logan were born.  He had taken off work to take me to the hospital a week prior when I was sent home on bed rest.  (I should have been admitted at that point, but that’s another story.)  The following Monday (August 27th) Ryan was off work for  jury duty.  I urged him to call and get it postponed since his pregnant wife was on bed rest, but we decided there wasn’t going to be any better time.  So, he went and was dismissed around noon.   He picked  up La Galette for lunch, which is one of my favorite places!  That entire day plays over and over like a movie in my head.  Instead of going back into work, we decided to go to the hospital.  It wasn’t because I felt I was in labor or in any immediate danger.  I just wasn’t feeling any better after a week on bedrest and since he just happened to be off work, I thought I’d get checked out again.  Little did I know, I was 2 cm dilated, which would progress to 6 cm dilated and 80% effaced thirty minutes later.  At that point, labor was imminent and three pushes later Olivia was born.  I think about that day a lot. . .well, of course I do, it was the day I became a mother.  But, I think about what would have happened had Ryan been at work that day.  I didn’t feel bad enough to make Ryan take off another day of work to take me to the hospital.  I probably wouldn’t have driven myself, so would I have gone into labor at home?  My children’s chance of survival without a NICU available would have been zero.  But, Ryan just happened to be off that afternoon. . .all thanks to a simple jury summons that he received in the mail.   It’s an annoyance to some, but it forever changed the way I look at life’s little inconveniences.  Of course, I still don’t want to go.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

We had hair appointments today (me, Olivia and my mother-in-law.)  Hair appointments used to be awful for Olivia, but we’ve been taking her to the same place every 5-6 weeks for about 9 months.  We used to have to hold her, she wouldn’t wear a cape and she would cry and cry.  New experiences are often very very difficult for her.  Last month, however, she did awesome!  And, it seems the trend is continuing because she now LOVES to get her hair cut.  After I get done, she crawls into the chair and says, “Olivia’s turn!”  I can’t tell you how much joy this brings me!!  She now acts like such a big girl and I’m so proud of her!  And, she’s getting beautiful hair!

Before / After

Well, our room makeover is complete minus a few small touches like a table centerpiece, items for the hutch etc.  I loved my old table and chairs. . .they were almost as old as I was and I grew up having birthday parties around them.  Sadly, after 25+ years. . .they got a little outdated.  I loved my baker’s rack, but it didn’t match our new table.  It found a new home with my sister-in-law.  I, however, did not love (or even like) my old carpet and linoleum in the dining room/kitchen.  I’m so happy with our new laminate floor!  I think it really gives the room (and the house) a very updated, classier look.  Well, besides the yellow towel on Olivia’s chair. LOL! 

Before

After

Before (notice the tape on the carpet.)

After

Before

After

Before

After

And some additional pictures. . .

Monday, January 24, 2011

How adorable is she?  I mean seriously. . .could she be any cuter? 

The other day I was cleaning out the litter boxes in the unfinished room in the basement.  Olivia came in and said, “Hey. . where are the guinea pigs?”  Yes, we used to keep the guinea pigs in that room, but our last one died in Sept of 2009.  Olivia was barely 2 years old at that time.  How funny that she remembered that!  I’m just glad that she is no longer talking about the scary hand from Halloween.  She’s moved on to the scary vacuum cleaner at Grandma and Grandpa Glunt’s house.  She calls it scary and yet she is enthralled with it. . .always looking at it, hugging it, wanting me to draw it.  She gets her mind set on one “scary” thing and runs with it.  Silly girl. . .always cracking me up. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Tomorrow is the big day. . .I get my new floors!  We had to move all of our furniture and our island out of the kitchen and dining room today.  That was a chore!  My anxiety prone cat (Autumn) and my daughter had a bit of a tough time figuring out why the dining room table was in the living room, the chairs were in the office, etc.  And, since we no longer had a table to sit at, we had a picnic on the floor!  It was a fun change of pace. . .even if it was Spangles.  And if we spilled something on the floor, it didn’t matter because the carpet is getting ripped out tomorrow anyway. LOL. 

I can’t say that I’m looking forward to two full days of being stuck inside the house with strange people, a 3 year old, a messy house and little access to my kitchen.  But, I think it will be worth it in the end!  While Ryan and I were busy moving everything around, Olivia was over at Grandpa and Grandma Sailing’s house. . .playing the piano, of course.  I know what she’ll probably be getting for her birthday. . .her very own piano.  At three years old, she seriously has a lot of potential!  And, as you know. . .she LOVES music!!  Making her own is absolutely thrilling to her!  I gotta say that I feel quite inadequate.  I took piano lessons as I child, but I remember absolutely nothing!  Poor Olivia asks me to play songs on the piano that I don’t know how to play.   Good thing there are a lot of pianists in the family.  And nothing makes my dad happier than to hear Olivia ask him to play the piano with her.

  

Our budding virtuoso (as my dad likes to call her.)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Friday, January 21, 2011

I had an amazing day with Olivia and my mother-in-law.  We took Olivia for some much needed shoe shopping.  I have the hardest time finding shoes for Olivia, so we headed over to Little Feet Boutique.  They are a bit pricey, but at least I can find shoes that fit her.  I’m proud to say that Olivia is now a size 8.  It seems like she was in a size 6 forever!  LOL.  Then, we headed out to Towne East for some shopping at The Children’s Place.  Now, this is a place that I need to avoid at all costs. . .especially when we’re running low on our winter “cousin Katie” clothes.  We will hit a whole new slew of them, however, when we get to size 4T!   Let’s just say that Olivia got quite the wardrobe makeover today.  And that’s on top of the new coat that she got yesterday.  Her old coat was getting way too short, but she was very attached to it.  When I’d try to get her to wear a different coat, she would cry, cling to her old coat and tell me that she loved it.  Thankfully, she wore her new coat today without any tears.  She’s going to be a brand new girl with her new coat, new shoes and new clothes. . .sheesh.  I think she might be going through a growth spurt.  I have heard rumors that these things happen, but I’ll have to see it to believe it. 

Randomness

Here is Tobey in his new coat.  Isn’t he adorable?  My SIL Shelley bought this coat for her dog, but it didn’t fit.  We knew Tobey would wear it. . .he tolerates just about anything.   LOL.  Now, I feel the need to expand his wardrobe.  On second thought. . .I doubt my husband would approve.

Ryan and I have both been sick, but Olivia is the shining example of health.  I’m not sure how she has escaped it, but I’m forever grateful.

I get my new flooring installed next Monday and Tuesday.   I’m so excited!  Hopefully, it looks as good as I have envisioned it.

If only I looked this cute upon waking in the morning.

Mark your calendars!  The date for March for Babies is set.  It is April 16, 2011.  I am going to try to make new t shirts this year, so keep an eye out for information on that!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Well, I’m finally feeling better after an awful head cold.  I still don’t know how many boxes of Kleenexes I’ve gone through.  Thank you to Grandma Mary for watching Olivia so I could rest up.  Let’s see. . .what else has been going on.  We got our new dining room set on Friday and I’m in love.  I’m excited to post some before and after pics, but I think I’ll wait until we get our new flooring in.  That should be some time by the end of the month.

Today, we had a ham dinner over at my parents’ house.  It was supposed to be our New Year’s Day meal, but so many things prevented it from happening until now.  It was delicious!  Olivia loves playing piano at both sets of grandparents and did just that today with Grandpa Sailing.  Grandpa kept telling her it was a Yamaha and then he’d ask her what it was.  She could never remember.  Then, as we were getting her to bed tonight, out of the blue she said, “Grandpa has a Yamaha!”  It was too cute.  We made the mistake of leaving her “banklet” over there today and she was beside herself.  So, grandma and grandpa were kind enough to bring it over to her.  She sleeps with about a million things (and takes inventory of it all each night) but she cannot be without her two Gogums, her Lily and her banklet.  She is now sleeping soundly. LOL. 

And, here are some pics totally unrelated to anything that I just talked about. . .