Monday, October 22, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007 - Update

Ryan was able to speak with one of the doctors this morning. They are starting Olivia on a fortifier to increase her weight gain. Because this can sometimes cause extra gas in the tummy, they are holding off on CPAP (it too can cause gas in the tummy.) Now, this is as long as she doesn’t pull the ventilator tube out herself. She extubated herself last time (when she had the bigger tube put in) and she’s coming close to doing it again. That girl is more tenacious and stubborn than her daddy! Olivia’s eye exam is tomorrow, not today. Her chart had down 10-22-07, but I guess it just meant the week of the 22nd and they usually do the exams on Tuesday. That was an interesting comment about weather changes/barometric pressure. We sure did have a cold front blow in yesterday.

I’m having a rougher day again today. I’m not sure why. I went to the grocery store and everybody there just seemed to be going about their merry way. I wanted to say, “Don’t you know that the world is missing someone very special? Don’t you know that my daughter is in the NICU?” Olivia is 8 weeks today!! I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for 8 weeks. . .and we’re not even halfway on our journey to bring her home. Some may think that Ryan and I are being overly protective as we are very strict about who can see Olivia and when they can, etc. Please understand that this is just our way of protecting her. I need to do this as I feel I was unable to protect them before. I was unable to keep them safe and warm as a mother is supposed to do and they came into this world too early. I can’t help but think. . what if? What if I would have quit work sooner, what if I would have gone on bedrest sooner? One thing I’ve always struggled with is that I’m not assertive enough. I knew that something was wrong and yet I let them send me home from the hospital when I initially went in (one week before their birth.) As Ryan has pointed out before, if they had admitted me into the hospital, I would have been very stressed. I was not as stressed at home on bedrest and maybe that helped us gain that extra week. The drugs that they were going to start me on to prevent labor can also be very hard on the mother. I don’t know. . .I’ll always wonder. I just need to know that I’m doing everything that I possibly can to help my daughter have the best chance in life. That’s why I’m still providing breastmilk, that’s why we read to her, that’s why we sing her songs and why we hold her every night. Please don’t ever go a day without saying a prayer for Olivia. She is a wonderful little girl!!

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Philippians 4:6 NLT


Anonymous said...

If only this or that,
On such and such a day
Had varied by an hour,
or an inch,
Or something done
had been neglected,
Or something neglected
had been done
Then, perhaps "the other"
might have been,
And other, "others" to eternity.

Don't "what if?" God is in control and He has "it" under control. Praise God!
Mary and Ed

Shannon said...

Funny how you brought up the grocery store and how you were bothered by it. I remember SO many nights I would leave the NICU for a coffee break and go sit on the curb outside. People were all around laughing, joking, not having a care in the world. So many time I would cry because no matter what was happening to Ashton the world around us went on. It almost felt like I was invisible at times too.

And PLEASE, do not blame yourself for anything. I know that it is easier said than done but you are doing everything you can NOW and that is what matters. Olivia needs a strong mommy and daddy so make sure that you start taking time for YOU.

My son spent 227 days in the NICU and there never came a time when I didn't worry about him. It is tough but one day Olivia will be strong enough to come home and you'll look back and won't believe how long you were there! (Hopefully not 227 days!)

Stay strong and I will say a special prayer for Olivia tonight!

Anonymous said...

I remember after Coleen was born (premature and with a rare disease)I had the same sensation when I went to the mall to pick out birthstone jewelry for her mom. I just wanted to yell out, "Do you not all know what is going on!?! Life should not be just going on as usual!" I admire you and Ryan for the wonderful care you are taking of your precious Olivia and hope no one ever makes you feel bad for protecting her. We love her so much already. Lord, please provide Jodi and Ryan with an extra portion of Your strength through the Holy Spirit today. Help them to know that they are loved by so many people and most of all that You love them.

Anonymous said...

Here it is another beautiful morning and it was time for my morning check about Olivia and you guys. Jodi, please do not blame yourself for anything because you are an "AWESOME MOM" and Ryan is an "INCREDIBLE MAN". I know it is hard to understand right now, but God is in control. 40 years ago, I too had a baby in NICU and it is unbelievable what your mind goes through. I have only fainted once in my life and that was one day when I went to the hospital to see Bill - when I got there, his isolette was all fogged over and I thought that was their way of telling me that he had passed. When I came around, I asked them what happened to my Son and why they hadn't called me - the nurse explained that he was not gone, but was having a bad day and they had to turn things up so it would be easier for him to breath. It was with everyone's prayers that he is with us today as a big strapping man. Don't let others get you down, because I know, from the past month, that you guys are doing everything humanly possible for that precious little Olivia. She is constantly in my prayers, as is the rest of the family. Take care and know that we are here for you!

Anonymous said...

Ryan and Jodi,
No, Jodi you cannot think that way! You already know that God has a plan for everthing and everybody. And this is the hard part of it, accepting it. Yes, I know it's not the way you want it to go but in the end, He will make things right. You need to stay strong for your little girl, she needs you now more than ever. (With her eye exam tomorrow.) And she will need someone's chest to lay on afterwards. She needs to feel that comfort zone that only you and Ryan can provide for her. I know it's probably hard not to come home and be happy, but she wants you to be happy more than she wants that oxygen tube out of her system. She cares for you just as much as you care for her. I'm sure, just as all of your other premie moms know, no one can be blammed for what happened and what will happen. God is testing so many people at different times that He needs to know if through all the hard times, you will still praise Him and glorify His name.
I know it's hard.
Stay Strong and know that I Love you so, so much!
Stay Strong,

Anonymous said...

Sweet Jodi,
You are an amazing person and you have done everything within your power for your babies. This is not your weight to carry, although I know that your shoulders must be bending from the tremendous stress put upon them. Please know that you and Ryan are some of the best parents that I have ever met. We love you!!!

Miracles said...

You have to do what feels right for you and your daughter. If others do not understand that you are simply protecting her from germs that she cannot fight off, then simply explain to them that a simple cold or runny nose to them, could mean Olivia's life. They have to understand that she does not have a fighting immune system like other babies do. I wasn't very assertive with people myself at times, and when I look back now I know I should have been.

We all live with some degree of "what if" I think what you are going through is perfectly normal.

Stay strong and know that we are all thinking of you and keeping sweet Olivia in our thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Please do not feel guilty about not letting many people visit Olivia. You are doing the RIGHT thing!! Not only are you protecting her, you are protecting all the babies in the NICU from unneccessary germs! We never let anyone visit but grandparents. And even now that we have been home for 5 months, we post signs on our front door and car seat that you MUST wash your hands before touching the baby! You are being GREAT protective parents.

Anonymous said...

JODI-This is so not your fault. It's nothing you drank, ate, did or did not do. Everything you did, you did for the love of your babies. I believe the prematurity of your babies was an act of mother nature and God intervened. He brought you your babies early for a reason. One day you'll know why.

I'll say extra prayers for all of you today. -Stacy W.

Anonymous said...

Never feel guilty about the decisions that you make or the emotions that you feel. Never feel badly about denying people the opportunity to see Olivia. If they truly care about her well being, then they should not be offended with a NO answer.

I want you to know that you are not alone in your grocery store feelings. After Olivia and Logan were born, and after Logan passed away, I could not walk through the grocery store, or any store for that matter, without crying. I too could not understand how people could not see what was going on. However, it reminded me of a day that I was at Wal-mart. It had been an extra long trip through the store and the kids were driving me crazy. The woman behind me in line made a comment to me. I told her that I was frustrated with them, and I apologized if they were bothering her. She said that they were not - she was glad to see them happy and running around, because her son was at home paralized and hooked up to all kinds of equipment to keep him alive. I hugged my kids after that, because it put things into perspective for me. I think that we all get so caught up in our daily lives that we do not see the trial and tribulations in other peoples lives. We do not realize how our actions effect the emotions of others.