Thursday, March 6, 2008

Thursday, March 6, 2008 - Update

Some days I just feel like crying and crying and crying. Some days I miss Logan so much. Some days I love Olivia so much it hurts. After months in the NICU and after losing a son, you would think that you would be in this protective bubble. You've had enough stress for one lifetime. Truth is, you're still subjected to the daily stresses like everyone else. Life still continues on.

I feel like I'm constantly explaining myself to everyone. I can't imagine what it would be like without this blog and having to explain myself that much more. It started when I was released from my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to my OB. I had lost one of the babies and was already worried about my much prayed for pregnancy. My RE wanted me to schedule an appt with my OB around week 10-12. I still remember the receptionist telling me that she'll get me in "sometime". I felt like saying, "You don't understand the circumstances. . ." Then, when my OB appts were a month apart, I again felt like saying, "You don't understand the circumstances. I need the best care possible!" When I was losing Logan, I wanted to scream and make people understand how much I had prayed for him. After he died, I wanted everyone to know how much I needed Olivia to be okay. Now, when I take Olivia in for appts (such as her EEG) and people scoff at our attempts to protect her. . . I feel like they just don't understand what I've been through. We have to take Olivia in to a separate lab to get her bloodwork done this week. I'm having Ryan go in beforehand to check out the place before we attempt to take her inside. I'm not risking her health again. I'm just so thankful that months ago, Stacie had the idea for this blog. It was the last thing on my mind, but it was exactly what I needed. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and supports us and for falling in love with Olivia. She is so very special. . .I don't have to explain that to any of you. I have the most adorable video that I will try to post later in the day. Thank you, thank you for helping me through the darkest days of my life.


Anonymous said...

Hugs to you for being able to express yourself in good days and not so good days. We love you. We support you and we understand.

This blog will be a good "diary" of your journey that you can show Olivia some day.

Olivia is beautiful in your dress. Can't wait to see the pic of you in it! How cool is that?

And those SHORTS??!?!? Maybe it is a good thing you do not have a pic of you in them? ha, ha. But save those shorts! Love them!

Sarah said...

Never ever apologize for how you feel. Feelings cannot be changed under any circumstance.

You have been through the worst trauma of your life. It will take a while to get through it, but you will. Sometimes when I read your blog I feel like you stole the thoughts right out of my head. I just relate to you in a lot of ways, and you are doing great with Olivia. She is growing and coming along beautifully.

Heather said...

I'm sorry today is so rough. If we weren't so concerned about those darn germies I would give you a big hug. Here's a hug through email:)

Kerry said...

This post made me cry. I know that I can never truly understand the pain of losing Logan and the struggle you have been through and are still going through. And I imagine when you are with friends who have not experienced what you have, you feel like an outsider looking in. You are thankful for us for reading this blog, but I am thankful that through this blog you have been able to meet others who unfortunately have been through the same pain. While those of us who have not gone through it can still love and support you and Olivia, we can never truly understand. This blog allows us to understand as much as possible. Thank you for that.

23 Weekers said...


I had no idea that you had lost another baby. My heart goes out to you. I didn't lose either of my babies, but tears are frequent at my house, too. I often look at Kinnick and Carver and wonder how their lives would be so different if they weren't born so early. They are so beautiful. I'm saddened that Carver will not hear and neither baby really sees much if anything. Many of us feel your pain and think of you often.

Home Healthcare Connections comes to my home to do lab work. They are very careful about not coming when they are sick - they really understand how medically fragile our babies are. You might consider using them instead of taking Olivia out of the home into an environment that you are not sure of.

I hope tomorrow is a happy day for you. I'll say a special prayer for you.


Jodi said...

Olivia and Logan were originally triplets. When I talk of the loss of the other baby, I am speaking of my sweet Baby B. This was my first pregnancy.