To Those Who Have Lost A Child

This Mother’s Day, I honor YOU.  Dedicated to all those suffering through infertility and who know the pain of miscarriage.  My heart reaches out to those who have lost a child.  I’ve been truly blessed to meet so many people who have walked in my shoes.  God bless every one of you. 

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Friday, May 11, 2012

Yesterday, Olivia learned to swing on her tummy and that’s all she’s been doing for the past two days.  In fact, she even pulled one over on me yesterday.  I told her we could swing a bit before preschool, but the fun didn’t last long enough and she was upset about going to school.  Then, in the car she starts sobbing, “I’m so tired, I need a nap.  . .please let me just take a nap.  I can’t go to school.  I’m too tired!” She rarely says she doesn’t want to go to school and on even rarer occasions does she ask to take a nap.  I really started thinking maybe she didn’t feel good.  So, I didn’t have her go to school.  When we pulled into our driveway she said, “Maybe instead of taking a nap I could swing?”  No no no.  She went back to her room and took a nap.  She slept for 2 hours and then she was ready to swing and at THAT time I let her.  She’s getting sneaky, I tell ya. 

And this morning she had to swing with a stocking cap on.  Yep, it was 70+ degrees out, but apparently it went with her outfit?!? LOL!                                                                                                                 

Introducing. . .

We are proud to introduce to you. . .

the newest member of our family!

Our baby is doing great so far (although I don’t advise getting a kidney stone while pregnant.)  My due date is exactly what it was 5 years ago with Olivia and Logan and I even found out on the exact day as well.  Only God could provide that kind of timing.  Because I had a classical (vertical) c-section with Logan, I will have another c-section and they won’t allow me to go full term for fear of uterine rupture.  So, we’re hoping to at least make it to Thanksgiving.  I have a long road ahead of me starting with a cerclage (stitching the cervix shut) next month.  We also have my diabetes to contend with which may need to be controlled by insulin.  Please please keep me, this baby and my family in your prayers.  I’m hopeful, but cautious. . .and a tad bit terrified.  Olivia is looking so forward to being a big sister and has already told me all of the things that she is going to teach the baby.  She insists it is a sister, but has come up with names for both.  If it’s a boy, for instance, she would like his name to be Curtain.  LOL!  We are praying for a very smooth, uneventful pregnancy and I can’t wait for you all to take this journey with me. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Today in the car, Olivia was explaining to me that she was missing her Hello Kitty, her mouse and her chipmunk.

“If I found my Hello Kitty, I would only be missing two things. . .my mouse and my chipmunk.  If I also found my mouse, I would be missing only one thing.  And if I also found my chipmunk, I wouldn’t be missing anything and I would be sooo happy.”

So, I’m kinda proud that my daughter has already mastered simple subtraction.  LOL! 

Night In The ER

This is the best nut mix EVER.  I like it more than cake.  It is a sweet indulgence for me with the added benefit of not raising my blood sugar.  I can eat it with other foods and it keeps my blood sugar where it should be.  Sounds like a miracle food, right?  Wrong.  Sadly, I will never enjoy another can.

I spent last night in the ER.  I have an 8 mm kidney stone that has yet to pass.  I started eating these nuts again a few weeks ago.  The last time I ate them, I was in the ER with a 2 mm kidney stone.  I knew it could have been caused by the nuts, but I love them so much I convinced myself otherwise. 

It’s so frustrating.  As a diabetic, I cannot enjoy carbs or sweets and have to base my diet on protein and veggies.  Now, I can’t enjoy one of the few things that I should be able to eat.  In fact, to prevent further kidney stones, I’ve read that I should watch my protein intake and I HAVE to have protein to prevent a spike in blood sugar.  I can’t win. 

The ER doctor could not believe that I wasn’t doubled over in pain from a kidney stone that size.  Stones over 7 mm rarely pass on their own.  Oddly enough, I think my 2 mm stone was more painful.  But, I haven’t passed it yet so ask me later.  I’m just extremely uncomfortable right now, trying to increase my water intake and lay low for awhile.  When it’s really quiet, however, you could listen for my scream.  And, you’ll know that it’s finally passed.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

In September 2010, I embarked on a long journey that began with getting braces. . .for the second time.  My teeth really shifted over the years, partly because of wisdom teeth and partly due to unknown reasons.  It wasn’t awful, but it really bothered me.  When I smile, my top 8 teeth show and I found myself not smiling as much or trying to alter my smile (which didn’t work in my husband’s opinion.)  I also had a bridge that needed to be updated since I’d had it for over 15+ years.  I was born without a permanent upper right lateral (as was my dad and his mother.) So, keeping my fingers crossed that Olivia will have a permanent tooth there.  Many of you know that when I met Ryan, I learned that he too did not have an upper right lateral (and we knew it was meant to be. LOL!)  Anyway, I decided to have my bridge replaced with an implant. 

On my birthday this year in February, I got my braces off after 17 months.  But, that meant I have had a fake tooth in my retainer for the past 3 months.  Let me tell ya, it’s been lovely!  Especially when I met with the house painter, talked to him for 10+ minutes, then realized I didn’t have my retainer in.  I was so incredibly embarrassed!  Anyway, that all ends tomorrow when I get my implant completed!  I will be done with ALL of my dental work and I’m so thrilled.  No more frequent orthodontist and dental appointments!  Of course, I could have used that money to buy a brand new car, but this will make me smile bigger as well!

Self Portrait

Olivia’s self portrait last year

Olivia’s self portrait today. . .lovin’ it! She now has hair, a body, fingers and feet.  It is now officially as good as my own self portrait. LOL!  Okay. . .so it’s probably a bit better. 

Monday, April 30, 2012

I had one of those moments with Olivia tonight that I will always remember.  First, she wanted to cuddle with me in the rocking chair.  Anytime Olivia actually chooses to cuddle with you (which is actually becoming more and more frequent) you stop everything and do it!  I was just starting dinner, but everything else just fell to the back burner.  Nothing else mattered.   Not only did we rock in the rocking chair, she wanted me to sing her the songs that I sang to her as a baby. . .Mockingbird, Jesus Loves Me, The Ants Go Marching, etc.  I held her and we rocked and rocked and rocked.  I told her how much I loved her and how glad I was that she made me a mommy.  She said, “I love you too!  You made me a daughter!” I just remembered all those months and years of praying for God to make me a mother.  I just remembered all of the struggles that my family and I have gone through to build our family.  And it was all worth it to make Olivia my daughter. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Today, we spent the afternoon at All Star Adventures.  This was the first time we had taken Olivia and she was in heaven the entire time!

The bees were her favorite!

Ryan is not a fan of amusement park rides, but Olivia really enjoyed having her dad with her on a few of them!  She didn’t quite meet the height requirement on some. 

Up, Up and Away!

She even went on some rides that weren’t in the kiddie section and that went “really fast!”  Things like this don’t seem to phase her much.  She craves vestibular stimulation!

She didn’t like the bumper cars quite as much.  She just couldn’t steer and push the gas button at the same time.  LOL!

We ended our afternoon with a little miniature golf.  She actually did pretty good and seemed to really enjoy it!

What a great afternoon!  We still have some ride tickets left over that don’t expire for 30 days, so we’ll be back soon.  Olivia will be thrilled!!

T Ball

Olivia is playing T-ball this summer.  I don’t think she really understands how to play, but she has crazy, accurate aim when she throws.  Her aunt Kimmy (who is so incredibly talented) painted a batting helmet for her.  I have yet to see it in person, but I’ve heard these pictures don’t even do it justice.  All of the paint is metallic.  Olivia, if you don’t know, loves peacocks.  They are probably her favorite animal, so this helmet will be very special to her.  She is also on the same team as her cousin, Izzy, and another kid she knows. We also know the coach, so I’m really looking forward to it.  I can’t wait to watch Olivia play.  I’ll probably be the only parent in the stands crying. 

Front of helmet

Back of helmet

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Look who’s showing an interest in baby dolls! LOL.

Monday, April 23, 2012

My sister-in-law, Shelley, made these adorable flip flop wreaths.  I just had to make one too.  Isn’t it cute?  It just feels so summery now.

We attended my niece, Izzy’s, last preschool program tonight.  Both of Izzy’s cousins were able to come.  Olivia will go to this preschool in the fall and she is so excited about it after tonight.  Izzy showed her around and Olivia can’t wait to sing in a program and play on the playground.   

You never know what Olivia’s toy of the day will be.  Tonight, as you can tell, it was her favorite Care Bear.

Olivia is turning into a bit of a drama queen, which honestly I didn’t even see coming.  She couldn’t find her toy Nemo today.  She doesn’t even play with it that much and it probably isn’t even in her top 10 favorite toys.  But, nonetheless, she became very upset and said, “I can’t find Nemo!  I don’t think I will ever smile again!”  That girl. . .she keeps me on my toes. 

Hug Him Once For Me

Dedicated to my sweet little boy, Logan.  Someday I'll hold you once again. 

Before and After

BEFORE – Pic from 2004

AFTER

I think it looks more sophisticated. LOL!  They still have some more painting to do, put guttering back on, etc. but you get the idea.  It feels like coming home to a new house. 

Our Scars

A few weeks ago, Olivia first noticed her scars.  Before that day, I don’t think she even saw them.  We were in her bathroom when she asked, “Why did the cats scratch me?” 

In disbelief and anger I asked, “What? When did they scratch you?” 

She pointed to the scars on her arm. And I had to explain that it wasn’t from the cats. 

Her skin was so underdeveloped at birth that even the slightest touch could damage her skin.  The leads connected to her body that helped save her life also ripped off her skin.  She has scars on her arms, hands, chest, stomach and legs.  But, not a single one on her face. 

You know, I’ve spent the last few years hoping that they’d fade. I showed her my “Logan” scar, a huge vertical scar down my stomach from my emergency c-section.  But, as I was talking to her about scars, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  Scars should not be something that you are ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Scars represent the human spirit. . .that you can go through the worst and come out healed.  They show that even the most fragile of us are stronger than you can imagine. 

I hope she grows up proud of her scars and uses them as a testament to how far she’s come and what a miracle she is. 

Busy Weekend

Friday night, we celebrated my niece’s 12th birthday!  When I met Ryan, she had just turned 1.  Crazy!  She’ll always be my little flower girl!

Jamming on her new acoustic guitar!

Encore! Encore!

Then, Saturday evening was a bumpy night.  In Kansas, I read that we average 57 tornadoes per year.  Saturday night, we had 97 tornadoes!  In one night!  We had a slumber party in the basement because of it and were up until almost midnight.  Olivia thought it was great fun. . .especially because she got to bring all her favorite toys downstairs with her.  Our town was hit, but we live just west of it and the tornado hit the southeast side.  My friends and family all seem to be safe.  What a night, though. 

No Girly Girl

She wants nothing to do with Barbies or baby dolls or bows or princesses or dress up.  Give her a bucket and a shovel and she’ll play in the sand all day.  She’s a sucker for stuffed animals, Squinkies, Littlest Pet Shop animals and trains.  Her favorite show is currently Curious George.  She LOVES Curious George and sometimes pretends to be a monkey.  She loves science and learning about the planets, animals, bugs and how her body works.  I can’t tell you how much I enjoy watching her grow into  who she’s meant to be. 

**The other day I took her to the store to spend her Easter money and she told me she wanted this Ariel doll.  I thought, “Wow, she actually wants a princess doll?” Nope.  She just wanted it because it had a little Flounder in it.  That’s what she wanted.  She ended up buying a stuffed animal and a train.  LOL. 

Big News

Well, big news in our household anyway.  Today, Olivia put on a pair of jeans that she wears quite often and we could barely get them snapped.  I’m pretty sure that has never happened as we’re usually cinching her pants as tight as possible to keep them from falling off.  (Thank goodness for adjustable waist.)  I got out her old scale (and put new batteries in it) and she weighed 30.3 lbs!!!  We FINALLY made it past the 30 lb mark!  This is just huge to me!  She weighed 28.5 lbs at the end of February and had been there for several months.  For those that know me. . .you know I constantly worry about her growth.  I think it’s something most micro-preemie moms can relate to.  You want to see your child flourish and grow and be healthy. . .especially after seeing them so sick as a baby.  I recently got her some Omegalicious Chews that have DHA and EPA and Vitamic C, I think.  She actually eats them.  There are only 4 in a package and 41 calories.  I love anything that adds calories AND is healthy for her.

She has just been blossoming lately.  On Saturday, Ryan and I took her to see the Lorax.  The last time I took her to a movie, we had to sit in the cry room because she was unable to sit in her seat.  This time, she sat and watched the entire movie. . .okay, she stood for a short time and sat in my lap some too, but I was sooo proud of her!  She just amazes me every day!

 

Conversations With A Four Year Old

The other night, Olivia and I had a “slumber party” in her room.  I didn’t think she’d ever go to bed.

Olivia: Let’s play that one game.

Me: What game?

Olivia: The one where you think of all the animals.

Me: Okay.  You go first.

Olivia: Peacock

Me: Elephant

Olivia: Camel

Me: Alligator

Olivia: Rooster

Me: Goat

Olivia: Pig

Me: Sheep

Olivia: Rooster

Me: You already said rooster.

Olivia: Giggle giggle

Me: Let’s do underwater creatures.

Olivia: Okay.  Dolphin

Me: Shark

Olivia: Jellyfish

Me: Clownfish

Olivia: Rooster.

Me: In the ocean??

Olivia: Giggle giggle.  Let’s do things in our house.

Me: Door

Olivia: Dresser

Me: Mirror

Olivia: Rooster. . .Giggle giggle.

________________

Me: Are you sure you want to sleep with your arm underneath me?

Olivia: Why?

Me: Well, it might fall asleep.

Olivia: My arm will fall asleep? Giggle giggle.  How does my arm fall asleep?  But I’m awake?  Giggle giggle.  Mom, why can’t I stop laughing??

Me: Be careful or that water is going to come out of your nose.

Olivia: Out my nose?? Giggle giggle.  Why would it come out of my nose?  Giggle giggle.  Mom, why do you throw up?

Me: Don’t ask me that question while I’m laying in bed with you.

Olivia: Giggle giggle.

_____________

The next morning. . .

Olivia: Mom, what did you dream about?

Me: I don’t remember.

Olivia: I dreamed about. . . .a rooster.  Giggle giggle.

Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!

He Is Risen

We had a wonderful Easter this year.  It made my heart smile this morning when Olivia could talk about how Jesus died on the cross and then how HE came back to life!  I realized we never even mentioned the Easter bunny this year.  She received an Easter basket this morning, but we never really told her who it was from.  I don’t mind if she believes in the Easter bunny, but we’ve tried really hard this year to really stress to her what Easter is about.  And in doing so. . .the Easter bunny never came up. 

Of course, the first thing she pulled out of her Easter basket was her stuffed animal. 

Looking beautiful in her Easter dress.

Precious.

Getting ready to go on an Easter Egg Hunt with her cousins, Julia and Rebekah.  (And, yes, that is Julia. . .my little flower girl who will turn 12 this week!!)   After they were finished, THEY hid the eggs and the adults had to find them.  Man, they can be cruel and I don’t think we even found them all.  LOL!  We really missed Ryan because  he was at home sick.  Hoping he feels better soon!

Easter also fell on Grandma Glunt’s birthday (which won’t happen again for about 80 years or so, I guess.)  So Happy Happy Birthday!!  And I wish you all a Happy Easter!!