Saturday, March 15, 2008 - Update

I'm with my mommy!

Today, I got my Easter presents from Grandpa and Grandma Sailing. I would look more enthused, but I just took my biggest bottle ever!

I like my Easter Bunny

Look at all my Easter presents!

Old Mother West Wind

Here's an old picture of Olivia getting a hug from Johnny Chuck

Everyone probably wonders where Olivia's woodland friends come from. They come from the Old Mother West Wind series of books that Ryan's mom read to him as a child. I thought I'd share our favorite chapter from this book:

Johnny Chuck Finds the Best Thing in the World

After this book, we began reading The Adventures of Johnny Chuck. This book has a very special place in my heart. You see, we began reading this particular book to Olivia and Logan each night while I was pregnant. It was in the middle of this book that I unexpectedly went into labor. So, we took the book to the NICU. We would read a chapter to Logan and then walk over and read the same chapter to Olivia. Sadly, Logan never got to hear the end of the story.

Thursday, March 13, 2008 - Update

Olivia and Stacie

Today, Stacie met Olivia for the first time. It was so nice to see Stacie again (I think it had been since my shower in Dec.) She brought over a book that she made for me of every blog entry, picture and comment from the very beginning until Olivia's homecoming. It means so much to me and it's something that I will share with Olivia one day. Stacie is such a beautiful person inside and out. She is so special to me and I know that she will find a special place in Olivia's heart as well. I'm so grateful for all that Stacie has done for me.

It's too soon to tell if the Enfamil AR is working, but Olivia loves the stuff. I also think that it helps her tummy feel fuller longer because she slept until 5:45 am and then went back to sleep and slept until 10:30 am. That's my girl!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - Update

Kerry and Olivia

I'm going to stop commenting about how long Olivia has gone without throwing up because as soon as I do, it happens. As the NICU nurses know, Olivia does not like to be bragged on (she would desat everytime we talked about how good she was doing.) She threw up last night and twice today. I don't understand because we were doing so well. It's not as forceful or as much as she used to throw up, but it's still more than mere spit up. I haven't wanted to change formula on her, but we've decided to give Enfamil AR a try. It is thickened with rice cereal and is supposed to help babies who have trouble keeping stuff down. We'll see how it works, although I probably won't mention whether it helps or not until she's gone at least a month without any problems. Olivia just seemed to have a little rougher day. . .not too many smiles to share today.

My friend, Kerry, came over to keep me company today. It was really nice to spend time with her. She has been so supportive and empathetic throughout this whole experience. I have to say that the past few months have shown me what terrific friends I have. I hope all of you know how much you mean to me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 - Update

This is actually how Olivia prefers taking her nap. . .with each hand on a toy. That way, when she wakes up, she can continue playing.

We heard back from Olivia's doctor concerning her lab results. Her liver enzymes look good and the problem with her hemoglobin seems to be correcting itself. Her iron, however, is still low and that is after being on NeoSure and taking Poly-Vi-Sol. She was never able to keep the Poly-Vi-Sol down at night, however, so I kind of stopped giving it to her. She only got it in the morning. Now that she's on the Prevacid, I've started it up again at night. I'm sure the vomiting played a role in her iron being low. Olivia has only thrown up one time in the last six days. That is a huge burden off of my shoulders as I felt like it was preventing Olivia from eating and growing as well as she should. I kind of feel like we've turned a corner. . . .

Monday, March 10, 2008 - Update

Olivia in her first pair of blue jeans

I've got HAT-ti-tude (Okay, that one was kinda corny)

Many people probably wonder why I share my struggle with infertility. It is very private. . . . . until you begin to feel all alone. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they are alone. For years, Stacie and I tossed around the idea of starting a support group called 'Hopeful Hearts'. We even had brochures made up. It was based on the idea that no one should walk alone. Someday we may still start it up. . .although now I would be interested in expanding it to include miscarriage and infant loss as well. Like I've said, it's important not to forget those that struggle in their journey to motherhood. Sometime I'm going to post a list of things NEVER to say to someone struggling to get pregnant. "Just relax" may be at the top of the list. If anyone has any that they would like to add. . .send me an email.

At the same time, I know it was very difficult for those close to me to become pregnant when they knew how much I was struggling. It's a very difficult situation for everyone. They can't help the fact that they become pregnant easily anymore than others can't help the fact that they can't. We must always remember that as well.

I know Ryan and I have come to terms with the fact that we may just be a family of three. As if getting pregnant wasn't difficult enough. . .now I would have to have a cerclage put in, probably be on bedrest and worry every day about premature labor. Plus, I had to have a classical, vertical c-section with Logan which raises my risk of uterine rupture substantially should I go into labor compared to a transverse c-section. (They couldn't stop labor the first time . . .how do I know they could stop it again?) Because of my classical c-section, my doctor will not permit to have a subsequent vaginal birth. I just want to enjoy my life with Olivia. I don't want to even think about fertility (or my lack thereof) ever again! Who knows what the future holds. . .I am just thankful that I can call myself a mom and that God allowed me to keep my beautiful daughter.

Sunday, March 9, 2008 - Update

Just lounging with dad

Olivia has officially added playtime to her list of daily activities. She is getting more interactive every day and loves kicking her feet and grabbing at her toys. It's such a blessing to watch her grow up before my eyes. Olivia and I are both very lucky to have Ryan. He is an extremely hands on dad and because of that, you can tell that Olivia adores her daddy. And, of course, he adores her right back.

Saturday, March 8, 2008 - Update

This is what happens when you play really hard!

I think we're going for a ride in the pickup!

Just when we feel like we're finally getting caught up on housework, on our sleep, and have a little bit of down time. . .I find out we lose an hour tonight. Doesn't it seem a little early for daylight savings time? I hate to say too much quite yet, but we believe the Prevacid is working wonders for Olivia. She hasn't thrown up for the past 3 days, she is sucking down great quantities of formula and is sleeping until 5 am in the morning. I wish we could have gotten her on it sooner. So far, it's been a blessing!

March of Dimes Update

We have raised an amazing $1055 for March of Dimes! That is absolutely wonderful. Now, I was planning on taking Olivia with us to the walk. After speaking with her doctor, I don't know if that will be a good idea. . .so, I am still pondering. I thought that maybe we could take her if everyone on our team is healthy and agrees to keep somewhat of a distance as well as protect her from other people. If we feel uncomfortable, Ryan and Olivia could go home and I could stay and walk. I haven't decided. . the weather will play a part as well.

Anyway, our team consists of:

Carol, Shawna, Laura, Joel, Julia, Rebekah, Lorna, Marilee, Grandma and Grandpa Sailing, Shelley, Donnie, Izzy, Gina, Savannah, Kelley, Heather, Cody, Kyler, Ella, Kerry, Ryan, me and hopefully Olivia. . . wow! Remember that it's not too late to sign up. You can raise as much or as little money as you want. I may not have included spouses or children that will be coming as well. I wasn't sure on some of them. Who knows. . .maybe Olivia could be an ambassador someday.

Friday, March 7, 2008 - Update

I'm happy because mama always calls me her angel!

Horton and I (thanks Kerry!)

Yesterday, after Ryan got off work, we went to have Olivia's bloodwork done. How many babies do you know who don't even hardly cry when having their blood drawn? She cried a bit when the needle went in, but then she just laid there and then even smiled. She was just an angel. I did send Ryan in beforehand to make sure everything would be okay. A particular lady who worked there (but wasn't tending to Olivia) said, "Oh a baby! Can I see her?" I kinda smiled not wanting to hurt her feelings and Ryan just said, "No!" That's why I take him with me.

Olivia also slept last night until 5 am which is a first for all of us. We started her on the Prevacid so I'm anxious to find out if it helps her. She didn't throw up yesterday or today and that is after two vomits and a spit up the day before. Every morning when I go in to get her, she is always rotated clockwise 90 degrees. It never fails. . .it's always the same. This morning she was rotated counter clockwise 90 degrees. It kinda took me off guard to find her feet where her head usually is. I found that pretty amusing for some reason.

My Little Sunshine

If this doesn't brighten your day, nothing will.

Thursday, March 6, 2008 - Update

Some days I just feel like crying and crying and crying. Some days I miss Logan so much. Some days I love Olivia so much it hurts. After months in the NICU and after losing a son, you would think that you would be in this protective bubble. You've had enough stress for one lifetime. Truth is, you're still subjected to the daily stresses like everyone else. Life still continues on.

I feel like I'm constantly explaining myself to everyone. I can't imagine what it would be like without this blog and having to explain myself that much more. It started when I was released from my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to my OB. I had lost one of the babies and was already worried about my much prayed for pregnancy. My RE wanted me to schedule an appt with my OB around week 10-12. I still remember the receptionist telling me that she'll get me in "sometime". I felt like saying, "You don't understand the circumstances. . ." Then, when my OB appts were a month apart, I again felt like saying, "You don't understand the circumstances. I need the best care possible!" When I was losing Logan, I wanted to scream and make people understand how much I had prayed for him. After he died, I wanted everyone to know how much I needed Olivia to be okay. Now, when I take Olivia in for appts (such as her EEG) and people scoff at our attempts to protect her. . . I feel like they just don't understand what I've been through. We have to take Olivia in to a separate lab to get her bloodwork done this week. I'm having Ryan go in beforehand to check out the place before we attempt to take her inside. I'm not risking her health again. I'm just so thankful that months ago, Stacie had the idea for this blog. It was the last thing on my mind, but it was exactly what I needed. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and supports us and for falling in love with Olivia. She is so very special. . .I don't have to explain that to any of you. I have the most adorable video that I will try to post later in the day. Thank you, thank you for helping me through the darkest days of my life.

A Must Watch Video

March of Dimes National Ambassador 2008: Catharine Aboulhouda

This video just brought back so many memories for me. I, too, thought that when my water broke (at 23 weeks) that I was losing both of my children. I wish every day that I still had both of my babies, but I am so grateful to have Olivia. She'll never truly know how much she means to her daddy and me. Enjoy this video, but be sure to grab a tissue.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 - Update

Whose shorts are these? Oh yeah. . .they're mine

Looking back, I have many regrets regarding my pregnancy. . .many of which I couldn't do much about. One of those regrets is that I have only a handful of pictures of me pregnant. The first trimester, I didn't feel too good and having my picture taken was the last thing on my mind. I have a few pictures of me at the beginning of my second trimester and I never made it to the third. I thought I had 4 more months to get my picture taken. Just a reminder to never put things off until tomorrow. If anyone managed to catch a picture of me pregnant at a birthday party or something. . .I'd love to have it.

The week before I had Logan and Olivia, I had begun outgrowing my maternity clothes. My mom came over with these huge shorts for me to wear. I was a little offended. . .I couldn't fit into those. Then, I put them on and they fit perfectly. In 23 weeks, I managed to gain almost 40 lbs, but that happens when you are pregnant with twins. I wish I would have gotten even bigger and carried them a lot longer. . .just one of my many regrets, I guess.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 - Update

Hmmm. . .I think we're more boring than we thought.

I was up most of the night with Olivia, but isn't that just what moms do? I can recall many nights where my mom was up all night with me. I actually remember thinking, "It's a good thing that my mom doesn't need sleep." Olivia has been running a slight fever today and I'm pretty sure it's because of her shots yesterday. Tylenol has seemed to help. Olivia has just wanted to be snuggled all day and you know. . . .nothing is more important than spending that precious time with her. She has also not thrown up for two days and we haven't started the Prevacid yet. I find that interesting since we just stopped the Phenobarb. . . .maybe that was the problem all along. Only time will tell. ****As of 10 pm. . .never mind.****

Monday, March 3, 2008 - Update

It's nice to be home and not getting shots at the doctor's office.

This is what I think of shots!

Yee-Haw. . .I like my new Bumbo seat.

There is so much to talk about today. Olivia had her 6 month checkup. She weighs 9 lbs 13 oz and is 21.5 inches long. Head circumference is 36.75 cm(I know you probably don't care about that, but writing it on the blog helps us keep track of it.) We were a little disappointed with her weight gain, but her doctor is very pleased with it. I'm sure she'd weigh a little more if it wasn't for the daily vomiting. As far as that goes, her doctor looks at three things concerning her vomiting, (1) Is she gaining weight? (2) Is she aspirating any of it into her lungs? (3) Is it causing her pain? Well, I do believe that she is in some pain over it. He has stopped her Reglan and is going to try her on Prevacid. Olivia also passed her second hearing test today. Overall, he is extremely pleased with Olivia and she was sure to give him a big grin while she was there. She was pretty happy for the first half of the visit. . .the last half was not quite as fun. Most children get 3 shots for their 6 month checkup. . .Olivia had 4 shots (Synagis) and 2 blood draws. They still couldn't get a good vein, so we have to take her into a lab later this week to get her blood drawn again. After they tried to get it out of her hand, they put a bandaid on and stepped out of the room. Her hand started bleeding quite a bit, so Ryan and I had to grab some gauze and put pressure on it. She's such a trooper, though. She knows that when mom or dad pick her up that everything is going to be okay. She did give the nurse some pretty good kicks. . .she is one tough cookie.

We also spoke with her doctor about how much to continue protecting her. It was nice to hear from him that we are not being over-protective or "neurotic." He is still seeing many cases of RSV and advised us not to take her into crowds until June. In April, we will probably take her outside more and introduce her to people a few at a time (if they are healthy.) Honestly, she will probably not be treated like a full term child for the first 2 years of her life. As much as I want to show her off, we must remember that she is not like a full term baby. She is doing extremely well for 23 weeks. . .but she was still born 17 weeks early. Our life just has to be different because of that. Ryan and I decided that we would let Olivia's doctor make the call concerning her exposure to other people and places and we respect his judgement. I am glad that I have this blog, however, to allow other people to get to know my amazing daughter.

Sunday, March 2, 2008 - Update

Today, Olivia met her Great-Grandpa and Great-Grandma Jackson for the first time.

Four Generations

Great-Grandma Jackson and Olivia

Saturday, March 1, 2008 - Update

Whatchu talkin bout Willis?

I can't believe it's March already. I've never been so excited for the arrival of Spring. Olivia also just finished her very last Phenobarb bottle. Of course, we know now that it was probably not the cause of her vomiting as she still tends to do it once a day or every other day. So, we're not as excited as we thought we'd be, but it does make life a little easier. We do hold her upright after every bottle and she does spend some time upright in her swing. I do think positioning does contribute to her vomiting, however. She also seems to cough a lot and "chew" on something constantly, so I do believe the culprit is reflux.

Also, I did want to let everyone know that Ryan's uncle has been transferred to a rehabilitation hospital closer to home. He has been up walking and was able to speak (one word) for the first time yesterday. We are grateful for his recovery and hope he continues to improve each day.

Infertility

Infertility

by Jodi Glunt

The months go by and turn to years
While the void remains unfilled.
My hopes are shattered along with dreams
Of the family I cannot build.

I think of all the lullabies
That will remain unsung
Of all the Christmas stockings
On our hearth that won’t be hung.

I pray to God down on my knees
Please help me understand
Take away this undying desire
Or take hold of my hand.

I no longer pray for children
Instead I pray for peace
Within my heart, within my mind
I need God’s expertise.

Help me to show my husband
How very dear he is to me
Help me to live a life fulfilled
Despite infertility.

This is a poem that I wrote about a month before I found out that I was pregnant. I used to think that there were two types of people in the world. . .the fertile and the infertile. Now I find myself somewhere in the middle. I have my beautiful daughter, but I lost my son and I don't think I could ever consider myself fertile. I'll never forget how hard that journey was. The most recurring emotion that I felt was that of complete unfairness. We grow up learning about how to be fair and wait your turn only to grow up and realize that life isn't fair at all. I know so many people still struggling with their journey to parenthood. I literally had stopped praying for a child. . .I only wanted to become satisfied with my life. . .however it turned out. I wanted to stop wanting something that I might never have. I just wanted peace. I pray that all of you find peace in your life as well.

Thursday, February 28, 2008 -Update

You want me to drink this stuff?

Olivia and I are quite the pair. . .sleep, eat, eat, sleep. That's most of what we did all day. I was so excited that she made it through the whole day yesterday without any vomiting. Then, at 8:00 this morning, up it came. I'm growing so stressed about the whole thing. We decided to follow our pediatrician's recommendation and switch her to Alimentum. That lasted all of two seconds. Not only does that stuff contain about half of the vitamins and nutrients of NeoSure, it is twice as expensive and it is some foul tasting stuff. I know because I tasted a drop of it. . .it tastes like dog food flavored water. I tried giving it to Olivia. She was so excited that it was time to eat and took one taste of her bottle and started crying. I haven't gotten her to take much of her NeoSure since then. She just keeps looking at me suspiciously. I truly believe that it is reflux as it is so common especially in preemies. I think it has gotten progressively worse because as she's growing, her Reglan dosage is becoming less and less effective. When she was in the hospital, her neo suspicioned that she had reflux. At that time, instead of throwing up, she would brady. She now has begun throwing up about once a day. We've stopped trying to figure out why it's happening. . .if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. We finally got smart and put a blanket over the chair. That way we can just throw the blanket, her clothes and our clothes into the washer instead of cleaning up the chair every time. I'm not quite sure why it took us weeks to figure that one out. I know many of you have stated that medications like Zantac and Prevacid have helped tremendously. Have any specific formulas helped as well (other than Alimentum or Nutramigen. . .aren't they about the same thing?) I don't think I'm going to leave the pediatrician's office until we have a prescription for something. It can't be healthy to throw up that forcefully every day.