Saturday, June 14, 2008 - Update

My daddy's home!

I was thrilled to go pick my husband up at the airport yesterday. Ryan had been out of town since Sunday and was anxious to come home to his girls. He couldn't wait to see Olivia. . .all 14 lbs of her. (Yes, she is now over 14 lbs!) I was going to write about it last night, but just wasn't in the mood as I heard about the death of Haley Palmer. I had just recently found out about this little girl with cystic fibrosis and like many of you, was just getting to know her. Everytime I hear about the death of another child, I feel my heart breaking all over again. Before Logan's death, I think I was somewhat unaware of the amount of pain in this world. I mistakenly believed that if you prayed long enough and believed strong enough that God would heal those that needed it. I had trust in that. I had trust that the medical community always knew how to help those that were sick. Sometimes there are things beyond our control. I have learned that God never promises to heal us physically. He only promises to heal us spiritually.

Friday, June 13, 2008 - Update

My grandma and I were color coordinated.

What to do. . .what to do. . .

Thanks to everyone for their comments and emails. I feel incredibly blessed to have so many people willing to lend a hand or give a suggestion when needed. I have many things to try (and toys to buy.) I think Kerry had a really good point in suggesting that her arms were her security blanket. She comforts herself by sucking on her hands. Why wouldn't she want to keep them as close as possible? Aunt Kim also had a great suggestion about rolling up a blanket under Olivia's chest. She still gets a little fussy with it at times, but it helps keep her arms out in front. She was even reaching for toys. I think, too, that music is one of her favorite things and that's just something that she can't reach out and grab. Plus, she would rather play with people than alone with her toys. I'm sure that she'll do things in her own time. I just feel incredibly blessed to watch such an amazing little girl grow up each day.

Ryan's mom came over today and I had a long list of places I needed to go, things I needed to clean, organize and such. So, what did I do? I laid down in bed and took a long nap. Not too productive, but boy was it marvelous. I have had a headache every day this week and I just can't seem to shake them. I had to resort to Excedrin (which still hasn't helped) but I'm sure it will keep me up for hours tonight. I still find it ironic that my 9 month old daughter sleeps better than I do.

Thursday, June 12, 2008 - Update

I absolutely adore Kerry!

I recently told you about Olivia's modified crab walk that she does. Basically, while on her back, she'll lift her bottom off the floor and crawl backwards with her legs. Her physical therapist told me that I need to discourage her from doing that, but it's hard because Olivia loves it. She can basically get anywhere she wants to go and she's so proud of herself. One reason I believe she does this is because it allows her to get around without putting pressure on her arms. I'm not sure why she is always so hesitant about using her arms. She doesn't want to extend her arms (especially her left.) She doesn't want to support her upper body with her arms, reach for toys with her arms, bang on a table, etc. Any ideas about this or how to help her increase strength in her upper body? I also have a few questions that I'm hoping somebody will help me with.

1) What is the best thermometer to have for babies? I just have the under-arm one and it takes forever. It's hard to keep Olivia still for that long. She had a slight temperature of about 99.1 the other night and I want a thermometer that I can trust a little more.

2) Any idea where I can buy Sali-Wipes? I've looked and looked with no luck. We used them with Olivia in the NICU. They are basically individually wrapped saline wipes to help keep her eyes clean. At home I use saline solution and cotton balls, but that's kind of inconvenient to take in a diaper bag.

3) Any advice on how to increase strength in Olivia's arms. Her PT just said to position them under her during tummy time, but she doesn't want to keep them that way.

Thanks to all my loyal blog readers. You're the best!

Thirty Things You Ought To Know By The Time You're Thirty

Since many of my friends and I have turned 30 this year, I thought this would be fun to post. I have highlighted (in yellow) the ones that I have done or know how to do.

Here's a creative twist on a life "to-do" list: 30 things to know or do by the time you're 30:

1. To take your hat off while eating. I don't wear many hats, though.
2. To bring a hostess gift. I don't go to many parties.
3. Have a valid passport.
4. How to make small talk.
5. Your credit score.
6. And your blood type.
7. How to do laundry.
8. And scramble eggs.
9. Your parents' birthdays.
10. How to drive a stick shift.
11. And order a bottle of wine.
12. How to set up, and check, bank and credit card balances online.
13. How to wrap a gift. - Does it have to look really pretty?
14. Own a suitcase.
15. Have a local florist, not 1-800 FLOWERS. - Does the grocery store count?
16. How to negotiate. - I'm not a very good negotiator.
17. And compromise.
18. How to jump a car/change a tire.
19. Have a retirement plan. - My husband does. Does that count?
20. When to stop drinking.
21. How to file a complaint.
22. How to make a bed -- complete with hospital corners. - Does it have to look really pretty?
23. Own a pair of jeans you can wear out to dinner.
24. How to play a sport (excelling not required).
25. How much cologne is too much.
26. When you need a dinner reservation.
27. To tip the maid in a hotel.
28. To make exceptions for children, and seniors.
29. How to apologize.
30. How to give a good hug.

I have 23/30. . .not bad. It looks like I need to learn more about cars. Maybe I should have also learned how to NOT back into my father-in-law's generator with my car. (I did that last week.)

In other news, Olivia did well at her neurologist appt today. So far, they still do not see any signs of cerebral palsy. At her next appt in 6 months, they should be able to rule it out definitively. And, at the next appt (when she's 15 months) they only expect her to be at a 8-10 month level. Olivia is doing a lot of things great, such as smiling, laughing, eating, sleeping through the night. I'm sure that soon she'll start rolling over (although I learned today that this is not a developmental milestone) and reaching for toys. The doctor pulled out her car keys and dangled them in front of Olivia to see if she would reach for them. She didn't and I secretly applauded her. We don't know where those keys have been! Maybe that's the problem. . .Olivia takes too much after her parents.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 - Update

What an awful, awful day. Olivia had an eye appointment today with her new doctor. Her previous one is leaving town and the new doctor is the only one here. I liked him okay. . .it wasn't that. Olivia just cannot stand to have her eyes messed with. . .she freaks out. It started with the ROP exams in the NICU. Shots, blood draws and such aren't a big deal at all to her, but shine a light and mess with her eyes and she can't handle it. It was awful. They had to hold her legs, arms and head down as she thrashed and yelled and cried. Afterwards, I couldn't get her calmed down and the doctor was trying to talk to me. I could tell that he was getting impatient with her. . I was getting impatient with her and I've never lost my patience with her before. Then I was mad at myself for getting impatient with her. . .it's not her fault. I will never go to another eye appt by myself. On top of everything, it was really hot in the room and I started getting a really bad migraine. She left crying, I was in tears. . . .I got home and couldn't get a hold of my husband or my mom. Olivia's Rainbows teacher left a message on the answering machine about how her eye appt went. Poor lady. I left a blubbering message for her because she's the first person I had to talk to.

Anyway, the patching starts again although now we are alternating eyes every day. If he doesn't see improvement next month when we go in, he's going to try her with glasses. That makes me sad as I can't even imagine that there are glasses small enough to fit her. She will probably also have to have strabismus surgery in a few months, but that can be combined with the surgery to unblock her tear ducts. He also prescribed eye drops to help with the matting of her eyes. I've been wanting some for months!

Olivia is calmed down now that we're home. I almost called to cancel her neurologist appt tomorrow morning because I think we've had enough for this week, but there's a $25 cancellation charge if it's less than 24 hours. Hopefully, I can get Olivia to take a good, long nap and I can get rid of this pounding headache.

The Gang's All Here

Some of the gang
All of the wild animals. . . .

Olivia and I went to the zoo today. All of the cousins (on Ryan's side of the family) were there. It got a little warmer than I anticipated, but we had a good time. Olivia especially liked all of the songs that the kids accessed with their zoo keys.

Monday, June 9, 2008 - Update

This morning, her teacher and physical therapist came out to evaluate Olivia. Overall, she was very impressed with what she saw. The only concern was that Olivia is not yet reaching for toys. They believe this may be related to her vision, so I have a list of questions to ask her eye doctor at tomorrow's appointment.

I have a few exercises to do with her to get her arms straightened underneath her. When she pushes up on her arms, she seems to roll right over. I am also supposed to sit up with her and place a toy on each of my legs and allow her body to twist (right arm reaches for toy on the left, left arm reaches for toy on the right) Of course, she needs to show an interest in reaching for those toys. She LOVES her Elmo and likes to look and laugh at him, but she doesn't seem to want to grab him. She loves to put her hands in her mouth and I was actually told that it's even a good thing when she tries to gag herself. This type of experimentation is good and will help move that gag reflex farther back in her mouth.

I'm happy to have so many exercises to work with her on. I always figured that if you gave your child tummy time, they would just naturally do all of these things and progress from one stage to the next. In this instance, I think because of her prematurity, she just needs a little more direction. I think because she is doing so well, we sometimes forget that she was born 17 weeks early and expect her to be doing more. She's had to overcome so much more than most babies and I am so very proud of her.

Sunday, June 8, 2008 - Update

Did my mom tell you?

I weigh about 13 lbs 10 oz!

For a child that is not yet rolling over, Olivia sure can get around. She scoots around and when on her back she can do a sort of crab walk. I've never met a child so close to rolling over who isn't rolling over. That has to be some sort of developmental milestone in and of itself.

I've also started strapping her into her bouncy seat. I feel like I'm always strapping her into something. . .her car seat, her stroller, her swing, etc. So, I haven't been using the straps on her bouncy seat. She is usually only in it while I'm getting ready in the morning and I can see her at all times. Well, today she was on her way to scooting herself out of it, so I had to use the straps. You'd think I was trying to cage a wild animal. . .she was not happy about it at all. She's going to be mobile before I know it. . .rolling or not.

Olivia's cousins

Shelley and Izzy
Izzy napping with her friends.

I promise. . .I will get pictures of Olivia posted soon. I've been slacking, I know. In the meantime, I've included some pictures of Olivia's adorable cousin, Izzy. Also, visit my sister-in-law, Kim's blog and enjoy pictures of the rest of Olivia's cousins.

Arte Y Pico Award

I honestly didn't know what to write about today. It was a fairly uneventful day, but this evening was fun. I went out to dinner with Ryan, Joel and Laura. They are currently watching Indiana Jones, but I decided to come home to Olivia. Although she was in GREAT hands, I just hated to be apart from her that long. When I checked all of my usual blogs, I found that Heather had presented me with an award. Thanks, Heather.

I remember years ago, I asked my husband what a blog was. At that time, I truly didn't know as they were not well known. He explained that it was a kind of on-line diary about your life that people can read. I thought, "Why would anyone want to read about my life?" I wish my life was as uneventful as it was back then, but I am grateful for the 50,000+ visits that I've received.

Arte Y Pico Award

So in receiving this award there are some rules.You must.....

1. Chose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award for their
creativity, design, interesting material, and also contribute to the blogging
community, no matter what language.

2. Each award has to have the name of the author and a link to his/her blog
to be visited by everyone.

3. Each award winner has to show the award and put the name of and link to
the blog that presented her/him with the award.

4. The award winner and one who has given the prize has to show the link of Arte Y Pico blog so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5. To show these rules.

So, without further ado I would like to present this award to these 5 people. I have chosen 5 people who have also given birth prematurely. I thank them for spreading awareness and allowing us to get to know their precious children. I wish I could pick more than 5 because there are so many wonderful preemie blogs.

Julie at Life is Good.

Casey at Quilao Triplets.

Eric and Tobie at Chasing Babies.

Chris and AnnMarie at Pray For Coy.

Bree at The Story of a Little Man Named Lincoln.

Where is that Energizer Bunny?

I can't ever remember to charge my iPod so I haven't been able to use it. I keep leaving my laptop unplugged and the battery runs out. Olivia's rainforest soother in her crib plays the song in slow motion because it needs new batteries. I haven't posted any new pictures of Olivia because. . .you guessed it. . .my camera needs new batteries. Today, Olivia and I took two naps together totaling over 4 hours! Well, at least it's not only me that needs recharged.

Ryan and Jodi's Guide to Staying Healthy and Surviving RSV Season

Well, it's been almost 6 months since we took Olivia home from the hospital. During that time, we had one of the worse cold/flu/RSV seasons in a long time. All three of us have remained healthy. Now, we had a lot of things working in our favor: 1) I am a stay at home mom. 2) Ryan's employer allowed him to work from home when needed. 3) Olivia doesn't have any older siblings. I do feel, however, that we were very vigilant and cautious with everything and that has kept us all healthy and somewhat sane. I was told numerous times to not be surprised if Olivia was hospitalized again after coming home. I waited so long for my baby to be home. . .I was NOT going to have her in the hospital again. I attribute our healthiness (and sanity) to these 10 things.


1) Start a blog. I will be forever grateful to Stacie for the idea of this blog. After Logan and Olivia were born, starting a blog was the last thing on my mind. It has been so therapeutic to me, however, and has let me feel connected to the outside world. Without it, I think many people would assume that I dropped off the face of the earth.

2) Become a homebody. Ryan and I are naturally homebodies so that has helped us. Without a love of being at home, I think I would have gone crazy.

3) Become a soap connoisseur. Because I literally wash my hands hundreds of times a week, it's nice to have a variety. Wash or Purell your hands before touching your baby. . .even if you have just washed them. Also, make sure you have a lot of lotion on hand for the cracks and bleeds that will occur with constant hand washing.

4) Stockpile Lysol wipes and Purell. We used (and continue to use) both of them all of the time. When given a free moment, just go around the house and lysol doorknobs, light switches and other germ magnets. You will never catch us without Purell on hand.

5) Never touch your face. Since high school, I have had a bad habit of biting and picking my lip. Every New Years, that is always at the top of my resolutions and every year, I break it. I'm proud to say that I've kicked the habit as I wouldn't dream of constantly doing it anymore.

6) Become Zest-fully clean. Or, Tone-fully clean as I like to call it. Every time Ryan and I went somewhere or cleaned the guinea pigs and rat cages, we would take a shower.

7) Keep tabs on who is sick and who is healthy. Never expose yourself to sick people or to others who have recently been around them.

8) Go on-line shopping. It's not worth the risk to get out and expose yourself to things unneccesarily. Plus, there's nothing more exciting than getting a package delivered to your house. Believe me, you need the excitement some days.

9) Post a sign on your door and one on your carseat. Sometimes people don't always remember to wash their hands upon arriving at your house. People also like to reach in and touch your baby without thinking. There are cute little signs from My Tiny Hands that you can put on your baby's car seat. It's hard to always remind people, so make sure something is posted.

10) Be constantly aware of everything around you. Let me tell you, this gets old over time. It's important, however, to never think "that will probably be okay." Know who is around you, who is sick, etc. Never let your guard down.

We are now beginning to let our guard down quite a bit. I don't take a shower after every grocery store visit. I even went to Target yesterday with Olivia. I still ask, however, that everyone remain cautious around Olivia. I know that some of these seem a little extreme, but Olivia made it through RSV season happy and healthy and that's all that matters.

Thursday, June 5, 2008 - Update

Well, they're coming to take it all away. . .the oxygen and the monitor. Is it silly to still have her wear the monitor at night? Probably. Is it a pain? Yes. But, we do it. Why? Well, for three reasons really. She sleeps on her tummy. Sometimes I wonder why I let her sleep on her tummy. However, when you think about all of the kangaroo care that we did with her in the NICU and how I hold her in the recliner. . .it makes sense. Her tummy is snuggled up against me and that's what she likes. Plus, I think some babies are tummy sleepers and some are back sleepers. The second reason we have her wear the monitor is because she has been known to throw up in her crib. The last time, we found dried vomit all around her and she never even woke us up. And, well. . .it's reassuring to know that if there was a problem, it would beep and wake us up. I worry a lot. . I was an anxious person before all of this. Now, I'm even worse. I guess my reasons weren't valid enough, however, to keep the monitor. It's probably a blessing because all of us are sick of the thing. We were going to discontinue it as soon as she started rolling over. Then, I could put her on her back and it would be her choice as to how she wanted to sleep. She's almost there and I would think that by almost 6 months adjusted, the fear of SIDS is almost passed. Any words of advice from others who have survived the first few nights without a monitor?

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 - Update

Ready. . .

Set. . .

Almost!

We've been working with Olivia to get her to roll over. She's almost there, but not quite. It's probably partially my fault because I hold her. . . a lot. I keep thinking, however, that she'll do it any day. At least she's having fun trying. Normally, I wouldn't pay much attention to her developmental milestones, but it's hard due to the fact that she was born so early. I think a preemie mom always worries about things like that. I don't want her to fall too behind. We were practicing to roll over for Aunt Kim's birthday, but no luck yet. Happy Birthday, Kim!

As I've mentioned before, she has been sleeping for almost 12 hours a night since mid-March. After those few thunderstorms, she has been waking up multiple times at night. Last night, after the third time, we gave her some Tylenol as we keep thinking that she's trying to get a tooth. She'll sleep the rest of the night after that. But, like rolling over, I think a tooth is coming any day and it doesn't. It kind of feels like we're at a bit of a standstill.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 - Update

I love being a mom. I love everything about it. . .even the sleepless nights and the poopie diapers. I often wonder why I had to work so hard to become a mother. I think I'm pretty good at it. . .it comes natural and Olivia is a very happy little girl. I don't know. . .you'd think that God would want his children raised by parents who absolutely love them. That's not always the case. And why wouldn't He allow me to raise Logan? I loved him with my whole heart. I guess some things we aren't meant to understand.

I love watching Olivia grow and learning more about her everyday. She is not only afraid of hailstorms, but of anything that sounds like hail (such as the ice maker or certain rattles.) When we're in the car, I can only see her feet, but I can tell whether she's awake or not. When she's awake, her feet are crossed. . .when she's asleep, they aren't. I love the grin that she gives me when I put her in her high chair. I love it when she makes her Oooooooh sound. . .it reminds me of a little dove. I don't think I could have been blessed with a more wonderful daughter.

Horton Hears a Whoaughh

Poor Horton. He always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think this is the 2nd (maybe 3rd) time that he's been vomited on. Last night, poor Olivia had one of the biggest vomits that she's ever had. . .all over daddy, herself, her chair, the floor and Horton. (Boy, I decided to take my shower at just the right time.) We had been doing so well for so long that I can't help but to question why it happened. I have it narrowed down to two things. 1) I always give her Prevacid before her second bottle of the day, which is about 11 am. Since we were at church, I forgot and didn't give it to her until almost 2 pm. 2) Weeks ago we implemented a "no more than 3 oz each bottle after 5 pm" and she had been doing so good that we gradually increased that to 4 oz or even 5 oz in the evening. I think that is just too much for her in the evening. I am just grateful that this no longer happens daily.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 - Update

Here we are getting ready to leave for church.
My mom and dad took me to church for the first time today.

We surprised everyone at church today with our presence and that of a special little girl. Olivia created quite the buzz. She did very well. I wasn't sure how she'd react to being around so many new things, but she handled it like a pro. She even sang along during some of the songs. We were also very impressed with everyone there who understood our situation and realized that we still need to keep Olivia protected. Thank you for making it an enjoyable experience for all of us.

It's a Girl!

For weeks I have been wanting to share the news and Stacie has now given me permission. Stacie and her husband are adopting a baby who is due around Halloween. They found out yesterday that it is a. . . . .precious little girl. Stacie and I have always dreamed of being mothers together. Our long and winding road to motherhood has definitely been the road less traveled, but it has led us to our daughters nonetheless. I truly believe that adoption is another way that God creates families and what a beautiful choice it is. Please pray for the health of the baby and the birthmother and for Jason and Stacie as they prepare for their new arrival. What a blessing this little girl will be!

* Sorry everyone when I was on the backside of the blog this afternoon I accidentially deleted this post Jodi put up on Friday. *

Saturday, May 31, 2008 - Update

Steady bouncin' in Jeeps on the neighborhood streets. . .

Sorry, we sing that song every time she rides in her Jeep stroller (from the Jeep commercials. . .have I lost ya?) Her umbrella stroller is still a little too big for her as it doesn't recline as much as she'd like. But, it's an adorable stroller.

Thank you to my husband for putting up with me today. I've been really crabby and tired and yet he went to go get me La Galette for lunch and let me take a nap. Thanks honey.

Many of you do not know that Ryan gave his notice at work this past week. After putting out his resume, he received many offers and found a job that he feels will fit him well. Changing jobs is always scary, but I understand his reasons and I am behind him 100%. We will be forever thankful, however, for the support that his current employer has provided us throughout the past months. Please pray for us as we make this transition.

Trust Me With Your Isaac

I came across this poem on a fellow preemie site and knew I had to post it. (Be sure to check in on Ryan.)


Trust Me With Your Isaac by Beth Moore

For every Abraham who dares
to kiss the foreign field
where glory for a moment grasped
is for a lifetime tilled…

The voice of God
Speaks not but once
But ‘til the traveler hears
“Abraham! Abraham! Bring your
Isaac here!”

“I hear the tearing of your heart
torn between two loves,
the one your vision can behold
the Other hid above.”

“Do you trust me, Abraham
with your gravest fear?
Will you pry your fingers loose
and bring your Isaac here?”

“Have I not made you promises?
Hold them tight instead!
I am the Lover of your soul—
the Lifter of your head.”

“Believe me, O my Abraham
when blinded by the cost.
Arrange the wooded altar
And count your gains but loss.”

“Let the tears wash clean your blinded eyes
until unveiled you see—
the ram caught in the thicket there
to set your Isaac free.”

“Perhaps I’ll send him down the mount
to walk right by your side.
No longer in your iron grasp
But safer still in mine.”

“Or I may wrap him in the wind
and sweep him from your sight
to better things beyond your reach—
believe with all your might!”

“Look up, beloved Abraham.
Can you count the stars?
Multitudes will stand to reap
From one dear friend of God.”

“Pass the test, my faithful one;
bow to me as Lord.
Trust me with your Isaac—
see,
I am your great Reward.”

Thursday, May 29, 2008 - Update

Umm. . mom? Why am I in here?

This morning, Oliva had her Rainbows evaluation with her teacher and nutritionist. They were very impressed with her and feel that she's developing great even though she can't yet roll over. She's too busy communicating as that is one of her strong points. She's also a little bit timid and rolling over is sort of a bold thing to do when you think about it. We're going to work on a few things with her such as developing her sense of space and spatial awareness. One of the activities to help her was to put her in a small box. I thought her pink crate would be better. She actually enjoyed it as it helped her to sit up very well too. Rainbows also gave me a workbook to use to monitor all aspects of her development. Olivia's teacher knew that would be exactly something that I would like to have (the teacher in me, I guess.) Overall, it was a great visit.

A few months back, I mentioned that Ryan's uncle had a stroke. His recovery has been amazing. He was in town for a follow-up visit, and we went over to Ryan's parents' house to see everybody. While over there, I got to see my nieces and nephews that I don't get to see very often. I absolutely adore all of my nieces and nephews and I enjoyed spending time with them. To be honest, I have been worried that my nephew Aidan wouldn't remember me. He was not quite 2 years old when I had Logan and Olivia and I haven't really been around since. It warmed my heart to have him say my name, give me hugs and tell me all about Cars. Of course, I know all about Cars because it's also my dad's favorite movie. :-) They have all just grown up so much over the past 9 months. . .I feel like I've missed out on a lot. Hopefully, we can catch up this summer.

Oh, and Olivia's new favorite thing is sticking her fingers in her mouth so far that she gags. She does this all of the time. On the way home tonight, she actually made herself puke. . .all over herself in her carseat. We finally get her vomiting under control and then she causes herself to do it. Go figure. . . .

You're cute. . .who are you? Oh, we're related?

Can't you just feel the love?

Ryan got some love too. . .

Olivia and Uncle Kris

Ryan's uncle Donnie and best buddy, Aidan.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 - Update

March of Dimes Team Picture

Me and Marilee

Today, Olivia was able to spend some time getting to know my friend, Marilee. She is a school librarian and I think this is the first summer that she hasn't worked latchkey, so. . .I envision that we'll spend more time together in the coming months. She has been so supportive throughout everything and has patiently watched Olivia from afar. I was glad to finally give her the chance to hold my daughter. Like I've said before. . .I miss my friends and it was so good to spend some time with Marilee today.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 - Update

Okay, Daddy, this isn't exactly what I meant when I said I wanted a pony.

Olivia has recently really found her voice and loves to scream and squeal just for grins and giggles. She decided to do this today in the waiting room at the eye doctors.' It soon turned into wailing and crying as she was not happy to be there today. Her poor doctor was trying to explain things to me and I was bouncing her around trying to soothe her. The good news is she is happier tonight and. . .she doesn't have to wear her patch for the next 2 weeks! At that time, I am actually switching to another pediatric ophthalmologist (there is only one other doctor in town) as her current one is leaving at the end of the summer. Hopefully, I'll like him just as much. His office happens to be a lot closer to us.

This fatigue that I have. . .I need to do something about it. I've always told people, "Someday they are going to find a reason for my constant tiredness" as I've had it for many years. It has just gotten worse lately and I'm sure emotional fatigue has something to do with it as well. It doesn't matter if I wake up at 7 am, 10 am or noon. . .I never feel rested. I'm about ready to start drinking coffee. Luckily, this fatigue hasn't affected my reflexes. On the way home from Olivia's appointment, a truck. . . directly in front of me. . . blew a tire, spun out of control and scared me half to death. I am, however, a cautious driver (especially when Olivia is with me) and I was far enough behind to stop. And, everyone behind me stopped. Not something, however, that I want to relive anytime soon. . .

Happy 9 month birthday to my precious Olivia!! I love you more and more each day!

Dear Mother Nature,

Seriously? Three nights in a row? Do we have to have hail three nights in a row? Do we have to have it twice tonight? You are scaring my daughter and pummeling my flowers. Please stop.

Thanks

P.S I am thankful that I no longer work in the insurance industry. Thinking of you Pam, Charlene and Heather. :-)

Monday, May 26, 2008 - Update

Sailing family get-together

Hey cuz!

We showed up in the same outfits. . .how embarrassing.

Game of chicken anyone?

It's tradition to have a cook-out at my parents' every Memorial Day and this year was no exception. Olivia and Izzy were able to spend some time together and it was good to see everyone. Thanks for a great afternoon.

Remembering Logan William

My very loved little boy

Please take a moment today and remember my sweet, little boy. I miss him so much. Every single day I want him here to grow up with his sister. Everyone always talks about how strong I am. Sometimes I don't know what that means. . .am I strong because I survived the loss of my son? Yes, I survived, but. . . sometimes my heart feels so broken that I don't know if it will continue beating, my lungs burn so bad that I can't catch a breath. . . .I keep putting one foot in front of the other because my husband deserves that and Olivia deserves that and I love them just as I loved Logan. But, I will miss him every day of my life.

I thought I would share the poem that I wrote and posted a few months ago as I remember my son, Logan William.

Playing in Heaven Instead

Sunday, May 25, 2008 - Update

I wasn't really scared. . .

Well, last night Olivia woke up. . .afraid. . . for the first time during a thunderstorm. In the past, she has slept right through them. I don't blame her. With the lightning, thunder, and hail pounding at her window, I would have been afraid to. So, I was up with her for awhile early this morning. This weather that we've been having has not been very fun. Between the humidity, wind, rain, storms. . .I have missed our walks around the neighborhood.

Saturday, May 24, 2008 - Update

Look at what my mom and dad got me!
It's only the most fun EVER!

While Ryan and I were out shopping today, we picked up the Rainforest Jumperoo for Olivia. I went against most physical therapists who do not recommend them for these various reasons.

They believe it's bad for their hip and back development and can predispose them to walk on their toes. I would think this would be especially worrisome for preemies as problems with muscle tone are a big concern. Is it sometimes possible to do too much research and know too much? Anyway, so why did I get it for her, you ask? It just looks like so much fun! I knew that Olivia would love something like this as she loves to stand! I can't help but believe that it's one of those things that are fine in moderation. I'm not going to leave her in it for hours at a time. I don't see why 15-20 minutes a day would be harmful. . .

Friday, May 23, 2008 - Update

Olivia and Stacie

Some days a girl just needs her best friend and luckily that was what I got today. Stacie came over and Olivia and I probably bored her to death, but it was really nice to see her. Lately, I've been getting cabin fever. . .I don't know why it's hitting me now after spending most of the winter in my house. I am actually able to get out a bit now. Tomorrow, Ryan and I are going to go to lunch just the two of us and do some shopping. I'm looking forward to that. I meant to write the update sooner (when the mood struck me) but, our Internet was down most of the afternoon.

You know, Memorial Day weekend always meant fun times, cook-outs, three day weekends. . .it takes on a whole new meaning this year as I remember my son. I'm going to try to go out and visit him every day. Hopefully, Ryan and I will make it out there together on Saturday. Memorial Day will forever mean something else entirely to me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008 - Update

I have no idea how Olivia knew that David Cook would win from the beginning. Kinda weird. Future talent scout, maybe?

Anyway, my soap opera is doing a premature birth story line. Part of me is thankful for that as a way to spread awareness. I can't help but find all of the things that they are doing wrong, however. They haven't disclosed how premature the little boy was, and that makes a huge difference. The doctor said, "I've delivered babies as early as 24 weeks. . " so he's no 23-weeker like Olivia. Despite the inconsistencies with the storyline, I still cried when Kayla was giving birth. It was very difficult to be told to push when you know that you are thrusting your baby into a world that they are not ready for. Thoughts of that will always bring tears to my eyes as will the fact that I'll never be 100% sure of what caused my premature labor. They are pretty sure that it was due to an incompetent cervix, but I've talked to other people who were told that as well. It's after having a cerclage put in and delivering prematurely again. . .that they realize it was in fact caused by something else entirely. On top of that, other people who have had vertical c-sections have been advised not to have any more children. I have a wonderful family, however, and Olivia is everything I could ask for in a daughter. The three of us have this amazingly strong bond. We've been through so much. . .the three of us. We couldn't have gotten through everything without each other.

Oh, and ladies. . .I had a great time at Kobe's last night. It was nice to get out for a girl's night. Thank you.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 - Update

Olivia's first crush. . .

I don't know how many of you watch American Idol, but Ryan and I have watched most of the past 7 seasons. Since the beginning of this season, the three of us have tried to watch it in the evenings. A few months ago (when it was still the top 24) Olivia didn't care anything about it. She didn't even pay attention to the television. . . .except when David Cook was on. Every week, she made a point to watch David Cook and smile at him on t.v. He wasn't even one of my favorites, but Olivia sure sees something in him. Does that mean she's going to like the rocker type? David Cook made it into the top 2 and the finale is tonight. Ryan and I haven't voted all season, but last night I had to cast a vote in favor of David Cook because I know he gets Olivia's vote. I'm, however, kind of rooting for David Archuleta. (But, don't tell Olivia that.)

Prayer Request

Many of you know my sister-in-law, Laura. (She is married to Ryan's brother.) She just found out today that her brother, Steve, has Stage III colon cancer. He meets with his oncologist this Friday for a plan of attack and at least 6 months of chemo. Please say a prayer for him and his family.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but Ryan's aunt Peggy has also been having a tough fight with cancer. Please pray for Peggy and her family as well.

I get a lot of prayer requests and I know that I don't have the chance to post all of them. Sometimes I feel that I don't have all of the information. Please know that I have appreciated all of your continued prayers for me and my family and I would be more than willing to say a prayer for yours.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 - Update

Here I am with Kerry at the zoo!

Look at all of those giraffes!

I enjoyed my trip to the zoo.

I got to see my cousin, Izzy. . .

and my aunt Shelley!

Silly cousins!

Shelley and Izzy

Kerry, me and mommy

**Be sure to check out Kerry's blog for more zoo pictures. The hippo came right up to us and opened his mouth. Izzy loved the hippos and didn't want to leave.

Monday, May 19, 2008 - Update

My week didn't get off to a very good start as it began with an emergency trip to the vet. My rat (Olivia the rat) was bleeding. . .profusely from her "lady parts," as my husband said. Of course, she was happily slurping up her strawberry Ensure as she was bleeding all over the place. Thank goodness we have a "back up" vet because our primary one wasn't in and his partner doesn't know anything about rats or guinea pigs. It is believed that Olivia the rat had a uterine tumor that ruptured. All signs point towards possible cancer somewhere in the reproductive system. Invasive surgery for a 2 year old rat would be very hard on her. I just want to make her as comfortable and happy as I can for as long as she's here with me. I worry about losing one rat before the other. . .they are inseparable. . .more so than any of the guinea pigs. They sleep together, groom each other, play with each other, fight with each other, etc. Our back up vet doesn't know anything about what has happened in our lives over the past year and I didn't mention anything. When she told me that my sweet rat most likely had cancer, I think she was expecting me to break down. I felt like saying. . ."You have no idea what I've had to endure. Some things just don't phase me as much anymore." Don't get me wrong, I'm still heart broken over the fact that my rat probably won't be with me that much longer. . .things are just different.

Sometimes I wonder if there is still any resemblance to the person that I used to be. . .before I gave birth at 23 weeks. . .before I watched my babies fighting for their lives. . .before I lost my son. . .before I waited 105 days to take my daughter home. . .before I lived in constant fear of the repercussions of such an early birth. Truth is, I'm not the same person. I don't know if I'm better or worse. I'm a bit more bitter, solemn, angry and sad some days. Some days I'm so grateful for witnessing one of God's great miracles. Yet, I question why I couldn't have witnessed two miracles. Some days I just don't know how I feel.

Sunday, May 18, 2008 - Update

Our little sunshine

Olivia had a really good day today. She was able to visit both sets of grandparents. How many children get to do that when it's not even their birthday? She acted just like an angel and looked like one too.