Saturday, March 1, 2008 - Update

Whatchu talkin bout Willis?

I can't believe it's March already. I've never been so excited for the arrival of Spring. Olivia also just finished her very last Phenobarb bottle. Of course, we know now that it was probably not the cause of her vomiting as she still tends to do it once a day or every other day. So, we're not as excited as we thought we'd be, but it does make life a little easier. We do hold her upright after every bottle and she does spend some time upright in her swing. I do think positioning does contribute to her vomiting, however. She also seems to cough a lot and "chew" on something constantly, so I do believe the culprit is reflux.

Also, I did want to let everyone know that Ryan's uncle has been transferred to a rehabilitation hospital closer to home. He has been up walking and was able to speak (one word) for the first time yesterday. We are grateful for his recovery and hope he continues to improve each day.

Infertility

Infertility

by Jodi Glunt

The months go by and turn to years
While the void remains unfilled.
My hopes are shattered along with dreams
Of the family I cannot build.

I think of all the lullabies
That will remain unsung
Of all the Christmas stockings
On our hearth that won’t be hung.

I pray to God down on my knees
Please help me understand
Take away this undying desire
Or take hold of my hand.

I no longer pray for children
Instead I pray for peace
Within my heart, within my mind
I need God’s expertise.

Help me to show my husband
How very dear he is to me
Help me to live a life fulfilled
Despite infertility.

This is a poem that I wrote about a month before I found out that I was pregnant. I used to think that there were two types of people in the world. . .the fertile and the infertile. Now I find myself somewhere in the middle. I have my beautiful daughter, but I lost my son and I don't think I could ever consider myself fertile. I'll never forget how hard that journey was. The most recurring emotion that I felt was that of complete unfairness. We grow up learning about how to be fair and wait your turn only to grow up and realize that life isn't fair at all. I know so many people still struggling with their journey to parenthood. I literally had stopped praying for a child. . .I only wanted to become satisfied with my life. . .however it turned out. I wanted to stop wanting something that I might never have. I just wanted peace. I pray that all of you find peace in your life as well.

Thursday, February 28, 2008 -Update

You want me to drink this stuff?

Olivia and I are quite the pair. . .sleep, eat, eat, sleep. That's most of what we did all day. I was so excited that she made it through the whole day yesterday without any vomiting. Then, at 8:00 this morning, up it came. I'm growing so stressed about the whole thing. We decided to follow our pediatrician's recommendation and switch her to Alimentum. That lasted all of two seconds. Not only does that stuff contain about half of the vitamins and nutrients of NeoSure, it is twice as expensive and it is some foul tasting stuff. I know because I tasted a drop of it. . .it tastes like dog food flavored water. I tried giving it to Olivia. She was so excited that it was time to eat and took one taste of her bottle and started crying. I haven't gotten her to take much of her NeoSure since then. She just keeps looking at me suspiciously. I truly believe that it is reflux as it is so common especially in preemies. I think it has gotten progressively worse because as she's growing, her Reglan dosage is becoming less and less effective. When she was in the hospital, her neo suspicioned that she had reflux. At that time, instead of throwing up, she would brady. She now has begun throwing up about once a day. We've stopped trying to figure out why it's happening. . .if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. We finally got smart and put a blanket over the chair. That way we can just throw the blanket, her clothes and our clothes into the washer instead of cleaning up the chair every time. I'm not quite sure why it took us weeks to figure that one out. I know many of you have stated that medications like Zantac and Prevacid have helped tremendously. Have any specific formulas helped as well (other than Alimentum or Nutramigen. . .aren't they about the same thing?) I don't think I'm going to leave the pediatrician's office until we have a prescription for something. It can't be healthy to throw up that forcefully every day.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 - Update

Only a daddy of a little girl carries a pink blanket

I can't believe Olivia is six months old already. Happy Birthday to my precious little girl!! I got out and made my much anticipated trip to Target today. It was nice to open my sunroof, crank up the radio and get out of the house for a bit. I picked Olivia up some adorable outfits, a Bumbo chair and giraffe lawn chair. I was almost giddy walking down the toy aisle. I can't wait to find out which toys Olivia falls in love with. I still have my childhood toys in the basement. . .many of which are still popular today. My niece says that my old My Little Ponies are the best, so apparently 80s ponies are superior to those of today. I met some friends for dinner tonight at Cracker Barrel and it was nice to see them again. Of course, I had to take two showers today. . .one after Target and one after Cracker Barrel. I gotta keep those germies away. It was nice to get out, but I was anxious to get back home to Olivia. I just love being a mom.

Oh, and very interesting comments about the witching hour. I had never heard of that, but it sounds exactly like what's going on. And, when I think about it. . .of course a daughter of Ryan's would have a 'witching hour' given his fascination with Halloween. :) Now, we just have to find an explanation for the vomiting.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 - Update

You're not Olivia. . .you're a pig.

Where oh where did my 4 am go? Olivia has now decided to wake me up twice in the night. She used to sleep for 5 - 6 hours straight. I'm not quite sure how this happened. I asked her once at 5:30 am why we were doing this again when we were just up at 2:30 am and she just grinned at me.

Ryan and I have noticed that during the day Olivia is the most happy-go-lucky, easy-going baby in the world. When evening rolls around, she just falls apart. Granted, all of us have probably fallen apart at the end of our days on occasion, but her days shouldn't be that much different than her nights. She just starts crying inconsolably most every night like clockwork (some nights, however, are worse than others.) Usually, it only lasts about 30 mintues to an hour tops. I thought colicky babies cried for hours. We've always suspicioned that it was the Phenobarb and it might be, but last night it all started before we gave it to her. Is it true colic? I guess we'll know more when she finishes her medicine at the end of this week. It just breaks my heart to see the tears streaming down her cheeks. It doesn't make a difference if she's slept well through the day or not as I once thought it was because she was tired. After she goes to sleep at night and wakes up in the early morning. . .she's back to being smiley and the cycle repeats itself.

Monday, February 25, 2008 - Update

Thanks for loaning me this outfit, Izzy!
My mom thinks I look adorable in it.

I think I do too!

It took me all afternoon to log into blogger to write an update. I was getting so very frustrated and now that I'm finally in. . .I'm not in the mood anymore to write. Okay. . .deep breath. . .it's just been one of those days where everything is frustrating me. Ryan put a new, adorable outfit on Olivia this morning because she was meeting her new teacher from Rainbows. I absolutely love this outfit. Something about the colors on it match her eyes and her skin tone perfectly. After doing well for the last few days, she threw up all over it. I did manage to get it washed and dried and put back on before her teacher came. Olivia had never thrown up in the morning before. . .we thought it was only an evening thing. We go into see her pediatrician next Monday for her 6 month vaccinations, so hopefully we can figure out what's going on (and maybe get on some Zantac or something like that.) I hate that I don't know what's wrong or how to help her. Other than that, she is her usual happy, wonderful self.

Olivia is, of course, still madly in love with her Gumdrop pacifier from the hospital. I have tried to get her to take other kinds, but when I do she looks at me like I'm trying to replace her best friend. Luckily, I found a site online where you can purchase them. They only come in the newborn size and I think they're getting a little small for her. Any advice? I thought that the soothie pacifiers were similar enough, but Olivia knows the difference.

Sunday, February 24, 2008 - Update

One of the overwhelming comments that we receive from people who look at pictures of Olivia is that she is always smiling. She truly is a very happy baby (except sometimes in the late evening and we're still not quite sure why.) I remember seeing her endure so much while in the NICU and wondering if she'll ever even have a reason to smile. Thinking about it now, I realize that she has many reasons to smile. She has a mom and dad who love her so incredibly much. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of ways to express to her how much I love her. She has both sets of grandparents less than 20 minutes away. Her aunts and uncles love her. . .her cousins absolutely adore her and she hasn't even met them yet. She receives gifts and cards in the mail from people she doesn't even know. She is one of the most prayed for little girls in the world. Yes, I think she many reasons to smile. . . .and she ain't seen nothing yet.

Saturday, February 23, 2008 - Update

Olivia and her daddy have a new favorite thing to do together that Ryan calls, 'Smell Candle.' Ryan carries her around the house and they smell the various candles that I have. Olivia's favorite is consistently Yankee Candle's Home Sweet Home.

Ryan was able to go visit his uncle in the hospital today and wasn't quite expecting him to be in the condition that he's in. From what I understand, one of his carotid arteries split during a bad coughing spell that resulted in a blood clot going to his brain. Please keep him in your prayers.

A trip to the hospital isn't complete without a visit to our 'ole stomping ground. . .the NICU. Ryan brought some pictures of Olivia and was able to briefly visit with some of our favorite nurses.

Friday, February 22, 2008 - Update

We have raised $700 for March of Dimes!

Look how well I can hold my head up!

Olivia threw up again last night. Now, when I say "throw up," I don't mean spit up. . .I mean projectile vomiting. Sometimes there is so much force behind it that it scares her a bit. Every time, however, it seems like there is something that it can be attributed to. . Phenobarb, Poly-Vi-Sol, Nystatin, etc. There has only been one time when the cause seemed uncertain. I really don't want to change her off of the NeoSure because she seems to like it (and stools quite frequently on it.) I am not convinced that it's the formula as it seems to happen regardless of which formula she is on. I just don't understand what's going on. Please pray that we get it figured out.

Today, Olivia and I listened to some of my old Kids Praise albums (My brother put these on a cd for me a few years ago.) We really enjoyed ourselves and I didn't even know that you could buy them anymore. I highly recommend them and feel so blessed to be able to share them with Olivia. I got a little teary eyed during one part where a child asks about what heaven is like. He is told that it is a wonderful place and Jesus is there. Someday I will tell Olivia that her brother is there as well.

I also wanted to ask for prayers for Ryan's uncle, Donnie. (Olivia has an uncle Donnie and a great uncle Donnie.) He went into the hospital last night because of a tingling in his arms and blurred vision. His blood pressure was high and they gave him some medicine to help that. As he was checking out this morning, he was unable to communicate so they were airlifting him to Wichita. I don't have any further details at this time.

**Update** We have learned that Ryan's uncle did suffer a stroke and right now does not have use of the right side of his body. Please pray that he is able to recover fully from this.

Thursday, February 21, 2008 - Update

My honey bunny

I went to Olivia's pediatrician's office today and they gave me some samples of Alimentum (Similac's version of Nutramigen.) We currently have her back on Neosure and we're going to stay with that for a few days to see how she does. I hate to keep switching on her. I wish that I would just be able to give her breast milk as I still have 2 freezers full. It pains me to think of all the countless hours of pumping. . .literally down the drain. I guess I'm also stressed because I keep reading how babies her age (although how old she truly is. . .I don't know) should be taking up to 6 oz each feeding. She usually takes only 2 -3 oz. Then when she throws up the contents of an entire bottle, it just breaks my heart. I keep telling myself, however, that if she continues to gain weight, I shouldn't worry about it. She's happy, she's healthy and that's all that matters.

I decided not to refill my prenatal vitamins anymore since I'm no longer feeding her breast milk as they are $35 / month. I picked up the One-A-Day All Day Energy vitamins. Hey, the people on the commercial looked like they had a lot of energy and that is one thing that I have been greatly lacking. I've had the energy of a. . . a. . giant sloth (hey, they don't seem very energized.)I took one and I gotta say. . .I do have more energy. Then, I looked on the box and it states 'This product contains as much caffeine as a cup of coffee.' Well, no wonder. . .if I just wanted caffeine I would keep popping my Excedrins. Oh well, I'll try them for awhile.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 - Update

Olivia and her stuff

Do you ever feel like you're reliving the same day over and over and over again. . .just in a different pair of pajama pants? With maybe some added vomit to your hair? Do you ever feel like you're repeating yourself? Hmm. . .I really need to get out of the house. Things have been a little stressful around here. Olivia threw up all of her bottle again today and it seemed unrelated to the phenobarb. We talked to her pediatrician's office today, so hopefully we'll figure out what we can do to help her. We're having trouble finding a formula that works for her. Breastmilk is not tolerated very well for some reason, so I'm officially giving up on that. She is on Reglan, but it hasn't been weight-adjusted since she was in the hospital. We're hoping to let her outgrow her dosage. It's just been one of those weeks, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't write a lot.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008 - Update

My mommy says I'm a miracle.

I think Olivia is at that age where she doesn't want to sleep all day like a newborn, but she doesn't quite want to "play" a lot either. She loves sitting in her chair, but even that only holds her attention for a few minutes. Her favorite thing is being held and walking around the house just looking at things. She could literally do that all day. I love it when Ryan walks around the house with her and I hear him say, "Someday you're going to find that hilarious!" I can't wait to hear her laugh.

Have I told you how much I enjoy her 4 am bottle? It sounds crazy (especially from someone who is not a morning person) but it is my favorite time of day. First, she doesn't even wake me with crying. . .she only starts "talking" and grunting loudly. Then, she always greets me with a smile and waits patiently for her bottle. She begins wide awake, gulps down her best bottle of the day and then falls fast asleep. Oh, I can't wait for the day when she sleeps through the entire night, but then I will miss our special time together.

Monday, February 17, 2008 - Update

I love batting at my new ball!If only I could keep track of it. Have you seen my ball?

Do you ever feel like you are reliving the same day over and over again. . .just in a different pair of pajama pants? Or, is it just me? Don't get me wrong. . .I want my life to be very boring for a long time, I would just like to be bored in some place other than my house for a change.

My dad purchased web cams for all of us, so Olivia got to see Izzy for the first time last night. We still have some kinks to work out, but it should be fun. Olivia seems to have gotten really big all of the sudden. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz on Feb. 1st. We haven't had her weighed since then, but I assume that she's probably 9 - 10 lbs. She is just growing up before our eyes.

I would write more, but I'm not quite with it today. I was up most of the night last night with a really bad headache, so my mind is a little foggy. I'm sure I'll find something a little more profound to say later in the week.

Jimmy Finally Gets A Bath

Wasn't that fun? Did you enjoy your bath, Jimmy?

I smell pretty clean, don't I?

I'm so glad you're my friend.

You're such a cute little skunk!

That's really nice, Olivia, but why am I in pink? Aren't I a boy?

A Look At How Big She Has Gotten

Then (1.5 months old)

We thought she was big then and she was compared to her birth weight!

Now (5.5 months old)

Olivia is one of the few people who will someday most likely be over 100 times her birth weight.

Saturday, February 16, 2008 - Update

Grandma Sailing and Me

Hanging out with Grandpa Sailing

Mommy and Me

Sorry that I haven't gotten an update sent until now. Olivia has kept me pretty busy the last few days. My parents are over today, so I have been able to get caught up on quite a few things. We also celebrated my birthday with my parents and they finally got to see Olivia after a month and a half. I'm sure she has grown up a lot since the last time they saw her. We're all healthy and doing well and I'm so grateful for that.

March of Dimes Update

I know that there are many worthwhile causes and many that have touched all of our lives. I know that for me, I am very grateful for the research that March of Dimes has done. One of the many important advances is artificial surfactant and without that, Olivia would probably not be here today.

So far, we have raised $500 for a very worthy cause. Our team consists of:

Carol
Shawna
Laura, Joel, Julia and Rebekah
Lorna
Marilee
Shelley, Izzy and Donnie
Gina and Savannah
Kelley
Kerry
Grandma and Grandpa Sailing (we just haven't got them signed up yet.)
Ryan, Olivia and me

What an incredible day April 26th will be!

Thursday, February 14, 2008 - Update

I am the lucky wife of a husband who doesn't believe in Valentines Day. Before you feel too sorry for me, I do manage to somehow get gifts for "Ash Wednesday" and "Presidents Day." Ryan just doesn't believe in only showing your love once a year. As I've mentioned before, we should celebrate the joys in our life, but not forget about people who don't have those same joys. There was nothing worse than spending Valentines Day without that special someone. I hate to think that there is a day once a year that makes people feel badly. . .kind of like Mother's Day for those people struggling to be mothers.

Anyway, Olivia has been pretty cranky the past two days. She is satting fine, doesn't feel warm or sound congested, etc. but she doesn't want to be put down. . .not even for a second. She was sleeping for about 5-6 hours overnight, but the past two nights she has been waking up every 3 hours. That makes for one tired mommy. The neurology clinic made the mistake of sending home a complaint form with our paperwork. . . and I love to write. I'm not going to be mean. That's not in my nature, but I'm hoping that they can look at their policies regarding the care of premature babies. Please pray that we all remain healthy.

I also had to take my ratamuffin (that's what I call my rats. . .it sounds more endearing) back to the vet. She's still having problems with her eye and also has a growth that is believed to be a tumor on her back. Now, we have to decide whether to have surgery to have it removed. I know she's just a rat, but if you've learned anything about me the past few months, you know I still want to help her. That's just who I am and who I'll always be. She will probably also have to remain on long term antibiotics. The good thing is that rats are the easiest animals to medicate. You simply put their medicine in strawberry Ensure and they think that they've won the lottery. . .plus they love the extra attention. Little does Olivia know that there are live animals downstairs! My nieces and nephews have always loved to see the guinea pigs and rats. They especially like to feed them treats. I hope Olivia will be able to enjoy them as well. Many of them are approaching their life expectancies. Who knows if Olivia will love animals like her mommy or simply tolerate them like her daddy (although I think he likes them more than he lets on.)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - Update

A MARRIAGE

By Michael Blumenthal

You are holding up a ceiling with both arms.

It is very heavy, but you must hold it up,

or else it will fall down on you.

Your arms are tired, terribly tired,

and, as the day goes on, it feels as if either your arms

or the ceiling will soon collapse.

But then, unexpectedly, something wonderful happens:

Someone, a man or a woman,

walks into the room

and holds their arms up to the ceiling beside you.

So you finally get to take down your arms.

You feel the relief of respite,

the blood flowing back to your fingers and arms.

And when your partner's arms tire,

you hold up your own to relieve him again.

And it can go on like this for many years

without the house falling.

Ryan and I have always enjoyed this poem. . .in fact we had it printed up in our wedding program. We live by it's message every day. I remember many times calling each other from work after a long, hard day and we only had to say, "I'm going to need you to hold the ceiling up tonight." That was all that was needed in order to let the other know how bad our day was. There have been many times in the past 5 1/2 months that neither one of us has been able to hold up the ceiling. During those times, an amazing thing has happened. A former 1 lb. 1.5 oz little girl has raised her hands up high and held the ceiling for all three of us. Of course, this is a strength that can only come from God, our Heavenly Father. God sent her to us to give us strength, joy, peace and love and for that I will be forever thankful.

All three of us remain healthy and for that I am thankful as well.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 - Update

Here is Cousin Izzy admiring a picture of Olivia

Thank you to everyone who validated my fears. I'm still angry about what happened yesterday. This scripture has helped me:

Every word of God is flawless. He is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Proverbs 30:5

Yesterday I just imagined a shield over all three of us. I pray God keeps Olivia healthy. If she were to get sick, my only hope is that it doesn't affect her too much and doesn't require any hospitalization. I know that 1 in 3 preemies require re-hospitalization. I can't stand to be apart from Olivia. . .even going to the grocery store about breaks my heart. She loves it at home with her animals, in her crib and especially in her chair. Please pray that she remains healthy. . .as of today she is still smiling as much as ever. We did call Olivia's pediatrician's office yesterday just to make sure Ryan and I were doing everything we could. (Her EEG was done at a separate neurology clinic.) We have started adding some breast milk into her bottles (half breast milk/half formula) to boost her immunities. Breast milk has the amazing ability to custom make antibodies specific to illnesses in your environment. You should have seen us yesterday. . .Ryan and I were a smooth-running, germ fighting, parenting machine. We're always on the same page regarding Olivia's health. We've been through everything together and we both know how crucial it is to keep her healthy.

Monday, February 8, 2008 - Update

You know how you worry yourself sick about something and then it's not as bad as you imagined it to be? Well, sometimes it's 10 times worse. That was the case today. First, I got up at 5 am and somehow managed to keep Olivia awake until her appt at 9:30 am. I think I need some kind of award for that. She would just look at me as if to say, "Mommy, why don't you let me sleep?" Once we put her in her car seat, we thought all was lost, but Ryan and I kept spontaneously shouting "Hooray!" to keep her awake. It worked. We got to the appt. only to find out (once we'd been there for a little while) that everyone in the office was sick. They only have two techs who perform the EEGs. One of them was home with a sick daughter, the other who was there was hacking and coughing and believed she had a severe cold or bronchitis. We talked about rescheduling, but decided against it for many reasons. One, Olivia had already been exposed. Two, that would mean she would have to remain on the phenobarb for that much longer and we can't have her throwing up every few days. The longer we postponed it, the longer Olivia would have to suffer through with the medication. Three, how can you guarantee everyone would be healthy then? Four, we would have to go through the sleep deprivation all over again and that wasn't easy on any of us. Plus, Ryan would have to take another day off work. So, we put our faith in God, we made the tech Purell her hands about 1000 different times, we made her wear a mask, wipe her equipment down with Lysol and prayed some more. I usually bite my tongue when I write the updates because I don't want to offend anyone, but why in the world didn't they call us to reschedule????? How ignorant do you have to be to let a 23 weeker come in for an EEG and expose her to an environment like that? Especially when your office deals with premature babies? Then, we had to keep reminding them to wipe things down and Purell their hands again. They were all snickering at us and referring to us as neurotic parents and you know what? I couldn't care less. Have they lost a child? Have they come close to losing another one? Have they watched their child be on a ventilator for two months? I love my daughter and I will do everything in my power to keep her safe and healthy. Unfortunately, I think I failed today. After all we have done over the past 5 1/2 months and all we have sacrificed to keep her healthy. We have kept her away from her grandparents. I cancelled my shower that I was looking so forward to. I haven't seen my friends or my family. I haven't even met my newest nephew, Kaleb. Everything that we've done. . .all seemingly down the drain. I have never been so angry, so upset, or so scared in a long time.

The only positive thing is that her EEG was normal which means that we get to start weaning the phenobarb and in 20 days she will be done with it. But, at what cost. . .I don't know. We came home and I took a shower, Ryan took a shower, Olivia took a bath, we washed the diaper bag, blankets, car seat cushions and Lysoled everything down. Now, we just pray that all three of us remain healthy.

Sunday, February 10, 2008 - Update

I hope that you all enjoyed the pictures. Weren't they just about the cutest pictures you've ever seen? I may write the captions, but Ryan is the one that captures her personality so beautifully. Olivia just loves being in her chair with her animals. . .I think she takes after her mom. I have always felt more comfortable around children and animals than I do around other adults. . .I'm not sure what that says about me. Anytime I'm at a party or social gathering, I'm usually off playing with the kids or the family dog.

Anyway, Olivia's vomiting is becoming more and more frequent as she threw up her phenobarb bottle again last night. It's only the bottle with the phenobarb that she's thrown up which leads me to believe that it is the culprit. Please pray for her tomorrow during her EEG. I think that they will have to sedate her because when has she ever sat still for 45 minutes in her life? Plus, we are not supposed to feed her or let her sleep from 5:30 am to 9:30 am. . .yeah, right. I'm really stressed about tomorrow. I want her results to be great so that she doesn't have to take the phenobarb anymore. Actually, I don't think she will be able to take it anymore. We can get it down her, but there's not guarantee that it will stay there. Maybe that's just her way of telling us that she doesn't need it anymore (like when she pulled out her ventilator, etc.) Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow.

P.S. Ryan, I'm still really sorry about eating all of the Olive Garden mints. :-)

More Adorable Pics

That's okay, Spotty. . .my mom says that we all move at our own pace.

Nice skunky.

Bath. . .B-A-T-H. Water, soap? Ringing any bells?

So, you're saying that I have a shadow too?

Pat-A-Cake Pat-A-Cake

Olivia and Her Silly Friends

Good friends and a good story. . .could life be any better?

You are one adorable turtle!

When I get stinky, my mom and dad give me a bath. Do you get baths, Jimmy?

You're so nice and cuddly

Friday, February 8, 2008 - Update

Mom and dad finally figured out how I like my baths so now they are a little more enjoyable.

Well, I'm still pumping. . .I know. . .you are probably wondering why since she is on Similac Isomil formula. One reason is because I am somehow maintaining my supply by only pumping 3-4 times per day. Because of the infrequency of pumping, it isn't too inconvenient. I am also hoping that after we get her off of the phenobarb, we'll find that was causing her discomfort and not something in my milk. Maybe I will be able to add some breastmilk bottles back in. Also when we start her on cereal, I will be able to mix it with milk instead of water to add more calories for her. The last reason. . . .many people probably won't understand. You see, my body seems to fail me time and time again. Not only did it not know how to get pregnant, but it couldn't stay pregnant. It does, however, know how to produce milk and that is just astonishing to me. My pregnancy isn't the first time that I've realized if there is some rare disease or condition that afflicts less than 1% of the population. . .it will probably happen to me. For example, when I was 15 years old I was hospitalized for Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. Have you ever heard of that? Yeah, me neither. . .I think they just kind of made it up on my behalf. I had a really rough year that year and within a month's time, I was held at gunpoint and lost a dear friend of mine in a car accident. We later had to testify over the robbery and it was just more stress than my 15 year old self could endure. I started having a lot of stomach problems and started vomiting and literally couldn't stop. Then, as a senior in high school I was diagnosed as having a tumor on my pituitary gland. Sounds threatening, but it really isn't. I remember sitting in the waiting room of the Center for Reproductive Medicine with my mother (which is where you go for endocrine disorders) with an eerie feeling that I would be back someday. Of course, they told me it wouldn't affect my ability to get pregnant and it didn't. . .PCOS did. And, I can't forget my trip to the ER in 2006 with a ruptured ovarian cyst. That was none too pleasant. I am really very healthy in the traditional sense. . .I just have really odd things wrong with me. I guess I should have told my OB to stop checking all of the normal things during my pregnancy and instead look for the abnormal. Then, maybe they could have determined that I would give birth at 23 weeks. Wow. . .I rattled on for way too long. I just remain in awe that my body does something that it's meant to do for once (and it doesn't hurt that it's good for Olivia too.)

March of Dimes Update

Well, we have raised $360 so far for March of Dimes. I did receive some brochures and if anyone would like some, please let me know. Also, each individual walker that raises $150 receives a 2008 March of Dimes t-shirt. There is a list of other incentives in the brochure and additional information can be found at www.marchofdimes.com/Kansas.

I was happy to see that Jacob "The Fighter" is the 2008 Local Ambassador. He is a Wesley NICU grad and I've had a chance to visit briefly by email with his mother. I hope that on April 26th, I will be able to meet a lot of other micro-preemie parents. Please be sure to find us and introduce yourself. Thanks again to everyone for your support!

Thursday, February 7, 2008 - Update

Do you see something wrong with this picture? Isn't the mama supposed to be in the chair and the child playing on the floor? I sat her in the chair earlier today to spread her blanket on the floor and I looked back and found her like this:

Grinning from ear to ear. All those hours that I spent rocking with her in the chair. . .I thought she was happy to be with mama, but she was just happy to be in the chair. She didn't even want me in the chair with her.

Yes!!

The chair is mine!

Unfortunately, the chair was out of commission for a bit tonight after the poor thing vomited all over it. It's that phenobarb bottle. . .it causes her stomach to be so upset. I think it's been our number one problem all along. We go in Monday for her EEG in hopes that we can wean her off of it. Every night when it's phenobarb time, she cries and cries and cries. I just don't know what to do. They won't take her off of it, I'm sure, until her EEG comes back normal. The mother of my friend, Shawna, was kind enough to mail Olivia a Happi Tummi. We have it on her right now and it seems to be helping. That phenobarb is just some nasty stuff. . .

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 - Update

Isabelle Sailing, aka Olivia's future best friend
Isn't life great?

Don't let go, daddy!

I spoke to my mother and as of 4 pm, all I know is that my brother was out of surgery at around 1:30 pm and they were waiting on him to wake up. My understanding is that he should be home by this evening. When I know more, I will let you know. Please pray that he recovers quickly. I thought that some pictures of his beautiful daughter on the blog might help speed his recovery.

*I spoke with my brother at about 6pm. He is home (minus his gallbladder) and is doing well. . . . .really sore, but well.

Rainbows came out this morning for Olivia's evaluation. Olivia showed them her whole bag of tricks and even flashed them her award-winning smile. Of course, they fell in love with her just like the rest of us. They said she was doing everything that she is supposed to be doing. They evaluate her as a 6 week old. . .not a 5 month old. Her muscle tone is good, she is tracking objects with her eyes and has great head control. They loved her double chin and chunky legs (well, chunky for a preemie.)They are qualifying her for services which means we will have access to a physical therapist, speech pathologist, dietician, etc. Because my degree is in elementary education, I fully understand the necessity of early intervention. . .for any child. I'm glad that we will have these for Olivia. At age 3, they will refer her to the Goddard school system. Overall, it was a very good visit.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 - Update

You're a cute little otter. . .would you be my friend?

I guess if I can't be held by mom all day, this is a close second.

Well, I don't want to brag, but my mom says I'm pretty amazing!

It seems I have unintentially taught Olivia that she has to be held all of the time. She lasts about 5-10 minutes in her bouncy seat, swing, crib or boppy until she realizes that she's not being held. I am trying to learn that it's okay for her to cry a bit and not rush in her room and grab her at the slightest whimper. So, when she cries. . .I am trying to evaluate what she needs to see if she truly needs me to hold her. It's very difficult because I want her to know that I'm always here, but I also want her to gain confidence in herself.

I have also started doing some sign language with Olivia. My two best friends growing up are hearing impaired, so I had the opportunity to learn it at a young age. Of course, I have a lot of freshening up to do, but Olivia seems very intrigued by it.

Please keep my brother in your prayers as he goes in tomorrow for surgery to have his gallbladder removed. Rainbows is also coming tomorrow morning for Olivia's evaluation. Hopefully, she'll show them all that she can do.

Monday, February 4, 2008 - Update

I am finally starting to be able to look back on my ultrasound pictures. For the longest time it was too difficult to do. . .okay, it's still difficult to do, but this is what triplets look like at 6 weeks. We heard all three of their heartbeats. Olivia and Logan were A and C (although we lost track of who was who.) I get great comfort in knowing that all five of us will be together again some day.

Anyway, I think my decision to postpone the shower was the correct one as I've received a lot of emails from family and friends who said they would probably not be able to attend due to illnesses. I am looking forward to the day that we can reschedule. Beautiful, warm days like today make me yearn even more for springtime. Of course, we had to go for a walk and enjoy the 65 degree weather.

I know how it would be easy to think that we are being over-protective, but we really aren't. The older Olivia gets, the more her lungs will be healed and better able to handle an illness. Now, April is not the magical time when this will happen, but the illnesses that would be most detrimental to her health will subside with the winter season. It will not, however, be a germ-filled free-for-all come spring. She will be able to spend more time outside the protection of the home with family and friends. Ideally, she needs to be protected up until two years of age and will receive her Synagis shot each winter season. Now, before Ryan and I became parents, we always believed that you should let your child get sick to build up their immune system and for most full-term infants this is probably true. Our situation, however, is different. Olivia did not receive any of the third trimester antibodies from the placenta (which is another reason why my breast milk was so important.) I know many of you are learning about prematurity right along with us. The fact that many of you have tried to learn as much about prematurity as you can has taught me the true meaning of love and friendship.

My Shower Has Been Postponed

We have unfortunately made the decision to postpone the shower until March or April. I'm so sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. There are just too many illnesses going around right now and I don't want to risk getting sick and bringing home something to Olivia. My mother is extremely sick right now and there are only a handful of times I can even remember her being sick (of course, this is after I made her get a flu shot.) My dad felt fine Friday morning and came home at noon from work due to vomiting, etc. Luckily, he was excluded from our house because my mom was sick, so none of us were exposed. I think this was the first birthday in. . . .oh, 30 years that I wasn't able to spend with my parents. I was looking so forward to my shower, but I need to place Olivia's health first and foremost. To do that, I have to remain healthy. Again, I'm so sorry. . .I feel just awful about this. My sincere apologies to Denise and Michelle for any trouble this causes. If anyone has any questions or concerns, please email me or Denise at omlicrew@sbcglobal.net.

Sunday, February 3, 2008 - Update

Olivia and her first Cabbage Patch Doll perfectly named Callie Logan.

Olivia and her sock monkey

Sorry that my previous post was so depressing. It was late at night and I just heard on the news that the little baby at Wesley Medical Center died. From what I understand, the baby was hospitalized due to RSV and sustained injuries to his skull from his own mother. I don't understand how someone like that is blessed with a baby and my Logan was taken from me. I do have a strong faith, but that doesn't mean I don't question God sometimes. I think we must trust God's will, but at the same time. . .we are allowed to ask why.

Olivia is doing very well. We've finally figured out a bathtime routine that doesn't bring her to tears. First, the bath water has to be the perfect temperature, then I wash her while Ryan holds her head. Next, Ryan wraps her in a towel while I wash her hair. It seems to work pretty well. We have found that Olivia's phenobarb bottle and/or the bottle after that are the worst ones. We think that she has problems with the phenobarb. She goes in for another EEG on Feb 11th, so if it's normal, we can hopefully start getting her off of it. That's going to be a stressful day as her last EEG was pretty traumatic for her. We are supposed to not let her eat for 4 hours prior and they will determine whether to sedate her or feed her and let her go to sleep for the EEG. Any advice on babies and EEGs would be very appreciated.

Rainbows comes for their first formal assessment on Wed. Feb 6th. Please pray that she is doing everything developmentally as she should. Please also pray for my brother on that day. He was found to have multiple gallstones and is going to have his gallbladder removed on Feb. 6th as well.

I would also like to ask prayers for little Trinity. Trinity and Tripp are 23 week twins born at Wesley a month after Olivia and Logan. Tripp has been home for about a month, but Trinity is struggling with her bottling. She has surgery tomorrow to allow her to eat better. Also, be sure to visit Kaitlyn and Corinne's blog for some exciting news. As always, thanks for all of your prayers.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 - Update

Lately I have found myself full of such frustration and anger. It's sometimes over a news story about another child killed at the hands of their parents or somebody's opinion about the gestational age at which a child should be saved. I also read about a "breakthrough" study that suggested premature birth could be prevented by taking folic acid. Maybe it can prevent some, but I took folic acid every day for years before I ever got pregnant and I'm still taking it today. I also get frustrated wondering if I should have described my symptoms better. Are cervical lengths routinely measured during an ultrasound? If not, should they be? What I've realized is that. . .I have to let it go. Nobody predicted my premature delivery because it happens in less than 1% of the population. I can't let all of these emotions build up inside of me. All I need to do is love and take care of my daughter that God so graciously let me keep. Sometimes I still see her lying so fragile and bruised in her isolette. That was such a difficult time. You know how all of us would do anything to save those that we love? Throughout all of this, I've learned that sometimes that isn't enough. I would have done anything to save Logan and yet all I could do was stand there and watch him. It didn't matter that I wanted my son more than anything in the world or that I tried so hard for him. Not everyone who is sick gets better. That realization is so unsettling to me and one of the reasons that Ryan and I protect Olivia so much. I refuse to see her lying in a hospital bed again. I know that over time these feelings of anger and frustration will lessen, but they sure have been taking a toll on me lately.